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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29401842">Gone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackflame28/pseuds/blackflame28'>blackflame28</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:55:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>64,580</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29401842</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackflame28/pseuds/blackflame28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has secrets. Kristy tries to keep her abusive relationship a secret. Dawn returns from California with a history she isn't willing to share. Mary Anne falls in love with someone no one expects. This story deals with mature themes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My mom was sobbing in front of me. She was kneeling, her face almost touching her knees, sobbing. I knew it was my fault. For once my house, which was normally filled with people were all out. My older brothers were out, my younger brother sleeping over at his friends, my adopted sister with my grandmother and my step siblings at their mother's. My house was completely empty except for me and my mother. That was a random occasion. Perhaps that is why I felt the need to tell my mother what had happened.</p><p>Now mom had fallen to pieces in front of me and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to switch places with her. I wanted to be the one sobbing, curled up, or simply reacting. Yet my mother was the one crying. One look at me and she was in tears.</p><p>"How could this have happened? Why didn't I see this coming?" she cried, her voice cracking. I knelt down next to her and put my arm around her.</p><p>"It's not your fault," I said, "Please don't blame yourself." She looked at me, tears streaming down her cheeks.</p><p>"How can you say that? You are my little girl. I am supposed to protect you," suddenly she stood up. I knew her mother bear instinct was taking over, "We are calling the Police. He's not going to get away with it." She turned to go to the kitchen but I grabbed her arm.</p><p>"No," I said. I knew it was pointless. Nothing good would come out of it. I had already tried to get help before and nothing good came out of it. My whole world had changed because of him and I didn't want to give him any more power. Besides this was the last time. He said so. He saw what he had done to me, he saw how it affected me, he promised it was the last time. We would stay away from each other. We were bad for each other, constantly setting each other off. I couldn't describe our relationship but whatever we had I knew it was over. I promised myself as I walked into the house.</p><p>"He raped you!" my mother screamed, irrational, "You think that he should get away with it? That he shouldn't be punished?" Fire was in her eyes, she needed to get retribution for this. She needed to do something.</p><p>"It's me versus him," I replied. I wondered why I even told my mother? Maybe because this was the last time, I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe because I had lost everyone else. Maybe because I was thinking of a time when my mother and I were so close, how I used to be able to confide in her about everything.</p><p>I suddenly felt exhausted. The mere thought of doing anything except sleeping seemed impossible at that moment, "No one is going to believe me. He was my boyfriend. All he has to say is that it was consensual," I paused, "I'm going to bed." I turned my back on my mother and headed to my room. She didn't follow me. Maybe she would try again in the morning to get me to report the whole thing. Or maybe she would drop it. Maybe she would be relieved that I didn't want to press charges against him. Then she wouldn't have to hear the whole story. Then she wouldn't have to face the fact it was in front of her the entire time and she didn't see it. Then she wouldn't have to face the fact that she so willingly bought every lie I ever told her. As I shut my door, I could hear her cry again. I took off my clothing, knowing it would be the last time I ever wore those again. I stripped completely naked and paused for a second in front of my mirror. I had changed so much in the past year. I used to be happy. I used to have so many friends. I used to be so in charge of my life. Then I met him and suddenly everything seemed to slip from my fingers. Things that seemed so important to me took second or third place. He became so important to me. He made me feel good about myself. He made me look at myself different, see myself differently. I felt like I was finally breaking out of the stereotype I had been locked in for years.</p><p>I looked at my body, thinking about all the bruises I had had and all the ways I would cover them up. The bruises on my biceps from when he would grab my arms. I hardly ever wore short sleeves or shorts anymore. I was such a different person now.</p><p>I turned away from the mirror, unable to look anymore. I crawled into my bed. As I turned off the lights, I hear the front door open and my stepfather, sounding panicked, asking mom what had happened. I fell into a deep sleep, knowing that I would have to face it again in the morning.</p><p>I woke up with the sun streaming through the window. I had slept a dreamless sleep. I, moving as silently as possible, went to my backpack and checked my cell phone. An old habit I knew I would need to learn to break. I had one text message. My heart began to pound as I hit open, "I am so sorry. Call me later?" My phone silently beeped again. Another message, "I love you. We need to talk." I tossed my phone on my bed. I would have to deal with that later. I wanted a shower. After covering myself with my robe, I grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom. I liked to fill the bathroom with steam before I had my shower. My whole family knew that. My mother always told me what a waste of water it was and told me to stop. I never listened. I shouldn't have been surprised when the door burst open as soon as I turned on the water. Luckily, I hadn't taken off my robe yet. Watson turned off the water.</p><p>He looked furious. Mom had told him. I looked at him as he began to speak, my mind drifting. When I was eleven, Watson wasn't in my life. I had no idea who he was. When I was twelve, he became my mother's boyfriend. I hated him. I hated his children. I wanted nothing more than him out of my life. Not because I was afraid he'd take my dad's place in my life, my dad's place had been vacate for many years and I was over that, but there was something about him I disliked. When I was thirteen he became my stepfather and I stopped hating him. He was a millionaire. He gave me and my friends everything I want. Moreover, he became a father to me. There would be times I would call him "dad" but that was few and far between. Not because I didn't want him to know that I respected him as a father, but we weren't like that. We showed our love to each other in other ways. But now, as he ran into my bathroom, I could the fatherly figure come out of him and for the briefest of moments, I felt loved and privileged that he was in my life.</p><p>"Don't you dare shower! We are going to the police station right now!" he said. I shook my head.</p><p>"No," I said, "Besides I showered last night before I came home." After he was done and he realized what happened, he took me to the shower. I remember feeling as numb as he washed me clean. He seemed to caring, so loving with his touches but we both knew we were washing away any evidence. Besides it wasn't like we needed his DNA in me to prove that he had sex with me. It wasn't our first time. All he had to do was say that he was consensual and point out the fact we had been doing it for months.</p><p>Watson stared at me. He seemed to come down from his blustering rage when he came in. He pulled me into his arms and I heard him say, "My poor little girl." I felt numb. As much as I knew he wanted to care for me, it wasn't enough.</p><p>"Come on, we need to get you to the police station," he said. I pulled away from him.</p><p>"No," I said again. I didn't want to go to the police. I didn't want to tell someone I didn't even know everything. I didn't want to get him in trouble. I didn't want to voice that last thought. It was over. As soon as I was alone, I would delete those messages on my phone. I wasn't going to respond. I had said that when he dropped me off last night. He took my hand and pulled me in for a kiss. He agreed with me. Our relationship was too volatile. He told me that he loved me but it was probably best we remained apart. We promised each other that maybe one day in the future we would try again. We knew our love was real. It was intense. The times we were apart left us aching but those other parts, those parts that had changed him and me were too much. This was for the best. So there was no point to go to the police.</p><p>"Kristy, please," my mom was at the doorway. She looked as if she aged ten years over night. Her eyes glistered with tears. I hoped she wouldn't start crying again.</p><p>"No," I said again, "I'm not going to go," I glared at both of my parents, "Please, I just want to get on with my life. Let me shower and I'll be down for breakfast shortly." Watson looked at my mother and he lead her out of the bathroom. My parents knew how stubborn I was. I showered, feeling nothing. Normally, showering was my favourite activities of the day. I got alone time and some time to think. I didn't always enjoy my thoughts but I was allowed to think without being bothered by my family.</p><p>I dreaded going down for breakfast. Usually, breakfast is a loud ordeal. My older brothers, both who are in college, scrambling over each other, trying to get the last piece of toast or another piece of bacon. My younger brother, who was finishing up his last year in middle school, would be competing to get his beloved brothers' attention. My youngest sister would be squealing with delight at the noise and chaos. Adding my stepsiblings would just be that much louder. It wasn't to say I didn't love my family, I adored the noise. There would be times that I wanted nothing more than to jump in with my family and create a ruckus. I was a loud person myself, and there was a time where I enjoyed competing with everyone else for the centre of attention.</p><p>All that changed when I started to date him. My brothers didn't like my new boyfriend, and would always make comments about him. I stopped talking about all the great things we did together. As the abuse worsen, I found myself falling into myself. No one noticed with all the other noise going around. No one noticed how quiet I became. Maybe they thought I was finally growing out of my tomboy stage and becoming a young woman. Breakfast became was a time I could disappear. I began to love being not noticed. The huge family was a blessing and a curse.</p><p>I knew this morning would be different. I wondered if my mother told everyone. Would they all look at me different? I didn't want the attention. As I pulled my wet hair into a ponytail, I felt my stomach twist in knots. Abuse, rape. These things didn't happen to Kristen Amanda Thomas. She was strong. She was a leader. She had a good head on her shoulders. No one would believe that she would allow anyone to control her, use her like that. She wouldn't let him. She would make a new one if they even tried. I wondered if they were all thinking me as weak. I didn't mean for it to happen, I didn't want it to happen. I wondered if I was weak.</p><p>I walked downstairs, dressed as the old Kristy would- in t-shirt and blue jeans. Maybe no one would notice. Maybe no one would know. Right away, I noticed that Nannie was missing. She must have taken Emily Michelle somewhere. I also noticed that David Michael wasn't home yet. Sam was sitting at the table, chewing a piece of toast slowly. Charlie was rambling at high speed. He was in college to become a police officer. I had noticed that as soon as he began post secondary he turned into this complete know-it-all.</p><p>"She may have gotten pregnant. Did she tell you if he used a condom? I doubt he did. In assaults like this, the aggressor rarely thinks ahead. She should also be tested for STDS. She would also need to see if he caused any trauma to her-" Charlie broke off when he saw me standing at the doorway. I immediately felt ill. I didn't want Charlie to act like he knew everything about rape. He probably had just finished explaining how he "just learnt about this in school" and had told them everything I needed to do. He looked at me sympathetically, "You know, Kristy, you really should go to a doctor." I sat down at the table. It was all I could not to hit him.</p><p>"I heard," I replied, grabbing the cartoon of orange juice. It was all I feel like stomaching. How many mornings had I come down for breakfast, only to drink juice instead? How many meals had I missed because my stomach was in knots? I spent so much time worrying, wondering what he would think or react. Like the time I played that game of Round Robin with some of my classmates. I had forgotten to tell him I had played. It was with a bunch of other guys. I totally whipped their asses. I felt so proud of myself. He didn't quite think the quite the same way about the game as I had hoped. He accused me of a whole bunch of things and slammed me against the wall. Why hadn't I told him? Why didn't I invite him to play? Did I forget how much he loved to play softball too? Didn't I love him? Did I think I was too good for him now?</p><p>I put down my orange juice. It was over. I wondered how many more times he had text messaged me? Would he be upset if I didn't respond? I stood up. I didn't want to sit with my family. I couldn't deal with it right now. Watson had other plans.</p><p>"We need to talk about this, Kristy," he said, "You can't expect us to listen to what happened and not do anything. We have to take action. Your mother is looking into getting a counselor for you. Maybe someone with a professional point of view can convince you to go to the police." I felt like screaming. Why wasn't anyone listening to me? I didn't want to go to the police. I didn't want to! I didn't want to! I needed to deal with this myself.</p><p>"God!" I cried, "I don't even know why I told you!" Watson stood up and glared at me.</p><p>"We are your family and we are here to help you!" his voice boomed.</p><p>"I don't want help! I just want to move on! Why do you think reliving it will help me? Haven't I suffered enough?" I knew it was a low blow but I was desperate. I turned away but Watson grabbed my arm, preventing me from leaving. How many times had he done that in the past? I would popped by his place for a quick visit after school, with the intention to leave to do something, like homework. He would grab my arm, and pull me back. He would beg me not to leave, that we could do our work together. I didn't really want to. I knew we would just end up fooling around. He was always telling me how irresistible I was. He would start kissing me. How could I resist? I would go home hours later, with my homework undone. It wouldn't be until the next morning when I would see the bruises on my arms.</p><p>Watson immediately let go of my arm when he saw my face. I ran upstairs and slammed the door behind me. I grabbed my cell phone.</p><p>"Kristy, why are you ignoring me?"</p><p>"Kristy, I told you I was sorry. Please respond."</p><p>"Kris, stop being a bitch. Call me. Now."</p><p>"I get it. You have already gone to someone else. Slut."</p><p>"Call me."</p><p>"You left your glove here. Please call so I can give it back."</p><p>"I am sorry about before. Please don't leave me."</p><p>There were at least fourteen messages on my phone. Each felt like a blow to the stomach. He would always accuse me of being with someone else if I didn't respond to his calls right away. That was one reason why I stopped hanging out with some of my friends. He always thought the wrong thing was happening between us. He would tell me if I really loved him I would stop hanging out with them, that my friendships were unnatural, asking me how I would like it if he got that close with some of his friends of the opposite sex? My girlfriends didn't seem to understand why I would start refusing to hang out with our male friends. They said he was too jealous. Soon it became easier not to hang out with them at all. I quickly typed him a message: GO AWAY. I turned off my cell phone and threw it into my closet. I told myself to get a new phone number. I looked at my computer. I told myself to get a new email address and stop checking the old one.</p><p>I laid down on my bed. I could hear my parents arguing downstairs. I knew what they were saying. What would they do about their poor Kristy? They would soon begin to argue about whose fault it was.</p><p>I wondered about the rest of my family. Maybe only Nannie, Kristy and Charlie knew. Emily Michelle, David Michael, Karen and Andrew were too young to know. Or maybe mom would tell Karen as a way to warn her of the dangers of dating. I wonder what Sam was thinking. He was uncharacteristically quiet a brunch. I wondered if thought less of me. I wondered if he would blame this whole thing on me. Just like he did. If I hadn't come to his place looking so sexy, suggesting things then he would have never had done it. He had whispered in my ear while we showered, that this was what I had asked for anyway. I wondered if I did deserve it. I had been teasing him. I did want to make out some but I wasn't in the mood to go all the way. I hadn't been for a while. He called me a tease a lot lately and a cold blooded bitch. That seemed to be his newest nickname for me: bitch. He used to come up with the best pet names.</p><p>I was beginning to feel crazy. I wanted to get out of the house. Normally when I felt like this I would call him up. He would drive over and pick me up. We'd go back to his place. Now who would I call? I wondered if Mary Anne Spier would talk to me again. Mary Anne and I had been best friends since we were babies, we grew up together, we used to do everything. We were total opposites. Mary Anne was into books and romance while I was into sports and well, not romance. She always was the perfect friend, sensitive and caring. But she was a little too sensitive. I knew she knew what was happening in my relationship and I kept pushing her away. I wasn't ready to admit the truth and I didn't want her to know the truth. I was always lying to her. Like the typical lie about my black eye. I told her that it was from a softball accident. That always made more sense than hitting a doorknob. She didn't believe me. I don't blame her. I wouldn't have believed her if she told me.</p><p>Mary Anne, at one point, went up to him one day and accused him of beating me. I remembered feeling so horrified. How could she do that to me? How could she have mistrusted me when I said everything was fine? How could she betray me like that? More importantly, how would he react? He was furious, saying that all he did to show me that he loved me and I was gossiping about him, hanging our dirty laundry out for everyone to see. He said I was an ungrateful bitch that should be put down. I told him I never said anything and it took a lot of convincing before he believed me. After that I stopped talking to Mary Anne altogether. I figured it was best that way. Besides, if she couldn't believe me or respect my decisions, I didn't want her as a friend.</p><p>I wondered if she would see me now. Would she even talk to me? I had to leave the house. I went downstairs. I didn't see Watson anywhere. Mom was cleaning the kitchen. I grabbed my shoes.</p><p>"Where do you think you are going?" she demanded.</p><p>"Mary Anne's," I replied. Mom paused. She clearly didn't want me to go off on my own. What if I returned to him? So she called Charlie and asked him to drive me. Needless to say it was uncomfortable car ride. Charlie would try to talk to me but I wouldn't answer. I didn't want to hear about what I should be doing or what the maximum sentence for a rapist was. I didn't need to hear what I already knew. When we pulled up to Mary Anne's house, Charlie seemed to hesitate. I looked at him, not quite meeting my brother's eyes. We used to be close. My entire family used to be close. Had we fallen apart because of me?</p><p>"Kristy, please don't push this away. You need to listen to mom and Watson," I looked at my brother. I knew he had the best intentions in mind.</p><p>"You don't understand," I replied, and shut the car door behind me. I knew Charlie would stay until I stepped into the house. I rang the door bell. It was Saturday. Who knew if Mary Anne was even home? Her step-mother, Sharon answered the door.</p><p>"Kristy!" she exclaimed, "How are you dear? I haven't seen you in some time!" I felt so bad. It was my fault. It felt like everything was. I wondered how many times did Sharon look back when Mary Anne and I were thirteen and wish for those days back? Back when her daughter, Dawn, still lived in Stoneybrook and still had a good relationship with her mother. Dawn moved in with her father in California. Only her mother spoke to her anymore and that was once in a blue moon. I suddenly longed for the days of the Baby- Sitters Club, when the seven of us would hang out together and laugh. Things were so simple then.</p><p>I blinked back tears. I wasn't about to cry in front of Sharon. She didn't need to know how badly things had gotten.</p><p>"I'm okay," I said, "Would Mary Anne be around?" Sharon ushered me into their house.</p><p>"Yup, she's in her room," Sharon smiled again, "Why don't you go up and surprise her?" I thanked her and headed up to her room.</p><p>I knocked on Mary Anne's door. I missed her room. I missed all the good times we had together. Why did I feels so sentimental all of the sudden? Mary Anne opened the door. She was still in her pjs, her hair brush in her hand. She looked shocked to see me.</p><p>"Kristy? What are you doing here?" she asked. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. What was I doing here? Maybe I should just leave. Mary Anne pulled me in and shut the door behind her.</p><p>"Kristy? What happened? What did he do this time?" she asked. Anger washed over me.</p><p>"Why does everyone assume he did something wrong?" I cried, "Maybe it was me! Maybe it was all my fault! All of it! I made my mother cry! I made him do those things! If I was a different person, he wouldn't have done it! I just bring out the worse of him! I bring out the worse of everything around me! I'm a poison. A terrible poison." I was crying now. Mary Anne held me close.</p><p>"I know you don't believe that," she said. She was always so sure of herself. We stayed silent for a few minutes; the only sound was me crying.</p><p>"We broke up," I finally said, "We had to. It was just too much. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be with him because of everything. Our relationship was just too wrong. After last night, I couldn't return to his arms. Mary Anne, he keeps messaging me. I don't want him out of my life because I love him so much but he is just so bad. Mary Anne … Mary Anne, Cary raped me." Cary. The first time since I had come home last night I had said his name, thought his name. I began to cry again. I loved his name. I loved saying his name. I loved linking our names together. Now I was afraid to ever speak his name. Mary Anne didn't say anything. She held me tight. She was crying too. We were crying together.</p><p>Finally Mary Anne pulled herself together. She allowed me to continue resting on her shoulder, "Kristy," she started, "Have you told your parents?" I nodded.</p><p>"They want to go to the police. I cannot do that to him. He didn't mean to. He just gets carried away. It's just how he is," I said.</p><p>"It was still wrong. Kristy, I know you don't need anyone to preach at you. I know you are probably just a confused ball of emotion but you can't do this alone. I cannot help you in the way you need. Nor can your parents. As much as I hate to say it, your parents' are right. He may not have meant to hurt you. He probably never does but he has. He has abused you. He has raped you. Can you honestly let him get away with it?" I began to cry harder. I knew she was right. If it was Mary Anne who had come to me saying this, I would drag her to the police myself. Suddenly Mary Anne's cell phone rang. I jumped. Was it possible he had tracked me here? Why wasn't he letting up? Mary Anne ignored the ringing phone.</p><p>"Kristy, I'll take you if you want. We can go right now. I'll be with you all the way. I won't leave you alone for a moment. I'll be with you, okay?" I found myself nodding. Mary Anne hugged me and told me she was going to get dressed. She grabbed a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt. We never used to be afraid to change in front of each other. We were best friend. But then things changed. I stopped changing in front of her. I didn't want her to see the bruises. Mary Anne changed in front of me today. It was almost like nothing changed except for the fact everything had.</p><p>She took my hand and led me to her car. We didn't say a word to her stepmother. I didn't call my parents to tell them where I was going or what I'd be doing. Before I knew it, we were at the police station.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mary Anne's car was a black SUV. Her father brought it for her for her seventeenth birthday. I was surprised when Mary Anne first drove to my house in it. I would never have thought her father would have spoiled her like that or that Sharon would have allowed such an environment killer to be purchased. Mary Anne never really explained why Richard purchased it for her, or why he got a top of the line model, including the no key start button and camera in back, for easier reversing, but Mary Anne loved the fact that it pissed off Sharon. Her stepmother had a hard time dealing with the fact that Dawn had gone and would often try to replace Dawn with Mary Anne. Despite all the talks they had about it, Sharon just didn't change.</p><p>Mary Anne parked the SUV in the police parking lot.</p><p>"Want me to go in with you?" she asked. I stared at the building, thinking about all the times I had run in there to talk to Sergeant Johnson and tell him all about the latest mystery the BSC had stumbled on. I wondered what he would think of me now. Tears blurred in my eyes as my thoughts drifted to last night. It started so simple. Despite all the things I had eliminated in my life because of him, I was still heavily involved with sports. I had just come back from a tennis practice, and I was wearing that stupid white skirt and shirt, with matching white shoes. I still "glisten" with sweat, from the workout. I just wanted to pop in for a few minutes. I wanted to make plans for the weekend and then go home. The end of the term was coming up fast and I wanted to catch up on my homework. Since I had started dating him, my marks had been slipping. I used to be in the top ten of my class, now I was no where near it. I wanted to try to improve my marks at least a little.</p><p>We sat on his bed, his hand sliding under my short tennis skirt. He was trying to convince me to stay over for a while. His parents were out and we had the place to ourselves. I was trying to explain to him that I wanted to go home and study. He pushed me against the bed, gently and began to kiss my neck. I told him no, again. I told him no so many times that night. He asked me why did I care about my grades? I had missed the deadlines to apply to college and would be taking the year off. It didn't matter if I graduated with a seventy oppose to an eighty or, my usual, ninety. When I didn't reply, he must have thought it was me consenting. He continued kissing me. After a few minutes of kissing him, I told him I wasn't in the mood. I had really just wanted to go home. He called me a tease. I remember him pinning my hand above my head and straddling me. I remember how I tried to fight to move but he was stronger than me. I remember how broken I felt when he finished, how he rolled off me, how he stroked my cheek and whispered that he loved me.</p><p>I stared at the building. Could I really tell someone all that? No, I would have to explain more than last night. I would have to explain why for months I put up with his abuse? Why I allowed him to nitpick me, why I allowed him to hit me. I would have to explain why I chose to saw past what was in front of my face the entire time. I would have to explain why Kristen Amanda Thomas allowed herself to be weakened.</p><p>Moreover, it felt a betrayal going in there. How could I turn him in? After all the "I love you" and everything else, how do I report him? I looked at Mary Anne, who was looking at me expectantly. After everything last night, he dropped me off. We promised each other it was over. We would go our separate ways for now and when it was time we would reunite. He admitted he had a problem. He said that he was going to work on it. Only when he was better, would we come together. He kissed me, telling me that he loved me so much and he hated himself for hurting me so badly. We would break up then, for the best of both of us. If we weren't going to get back together, then what was the point of reporting him? It would do more harm than good.</p><p>"I can't," I whispered, "I just can't do this." She didn't understand. No one did. I opened the door and jumped out.</p><p>"Kristy? Where are you going?" Mary Anne asked.</p><p>"I need to be alone," I said, "I just can't deal with it right now." Mary Anne nodded.</p><p>"Why not come over to my place? We don't have to talk about it or anything. Just hang out." I knew what she was doing. What everyone wanted to do: watch over me. Shelter me. I could feel their mistrust of me. Suddenly I was someone different. Someone people had the urge to shelter and protect. I wasn't someone strong anymore, I was weak and they had to watch over me. The realization washed over me like a wet blanket. I felt sick. That wasn't the person I was.</p><p>I shook my head.</p><p>"Please, Mary Anne," I said, "I need to be alone. I'll come over later, okay?" Mary Anne hesitated.</p><p>"Okay, I'll be waiting for you." I shut the car door and began to walk away. I kept my steps slow enough so I'd hear her drive away. I quicken my pace. I knew where I was going and I hated myself for it. I just wanted to walk by his place. I just wanted to be near him for a moment. I was so pathetic but no one understood how I felt. After I had alienated myself from everyone, he was all I had but it was more than that. He was my best friend. He had been for a long time. In grade nine, we finally got over that stupid constantly bickering. That wasn't to say we stop altogether but our relationship progressed from more that just trying to piss each other off. We became friends. It started simple. We would play sports together, competing hard against each other. It kept us fit. Eventually he became a good friend from mine. Some nights, when I had no plans, I would debate between calling Mary Anne to see if she wanted to go out or Cary to see if he was up for something.</p><p>In grade eleven, it finally moved to something more. He made the first move. I hadn't been on a single date since I had broken up with Bart Taylor in eighth grade. I wasn't ready for a boyfriend then and when I was, boys weren't interested in me. Cary always said I was too much of a firecracker, too intense for most of the guys in our school. Maybe it was true. I'll never forget our first kiss. I had gone over with him to his house after school. He had his own apartment in the basement of his house. He had put on the last episode of wrestling on. That was one sport I just couldn't get into. I started teasing him, calling it fake and moronic. We began to play wrestle. After a few minutes, he had pinned me. I remember him looking into my eyes. I noticed there had something changed in his look. He kissed me. I was so surprised at first. He asked if it was okay. I found myself nodding, and leaning up to kiss him.</p><p>Things just exploded after that. He was one of my best friends and suddenly he was my boyfriend and shortly after that, my lover. It didn't take long for my feelings to turn into head over heels in love. My family didn't really approve. They never really liked Cary. They thought he was a bit of a shady character. I didn't care. They didn't know him like I did. Cary was the one I went to when things weren't going my way, when I had good news, or when I just wanted to talk to someone. He was like a faithful teddy bear, someone I could always count on. Maybe that's why I was able to overlook what was going on. I knew Cary. He wasn't like that. He would never hit me or belittle me on purpose. He wasn't an abuser. He wasn't a rapist. That wasn't the man I fell in love with.</p><p>"Kristy! There you are!" I heard a familiar voice call to me. I turned. There was Cary, in his red convertible, pulling to the side of the road, "I've been looking for you everywhere. We need to talk."</p><p>"No," I said. I wasn't ready to talk to him yet. I wasn't ready to tell him that I ruined our chances of fixing things on our own. My family would never accept him now.</p><p>"Please Kristy," he looked so sad, so hurt, "Please. I don't want us to finish on bad terms." I hesitated. I knew I should tell him where to go but I found myself nodding and climbing into his car. I didn't say anything when he took off and he didn't speak either. I didn't look at him. I didn't want to see his face and remember all the times I had touched him, thinking that he was the one for me. I didn't want to remember that look in his eyes when we had sex last night.</p><p>He pulled into the parking lot of the Donut Diner and turned off the car. Neither of us spoke the entire way. We liked going to the Donut Diner. He liked getting the Dibbles and I enjoyed the hot chocolate. We used to go all the time then things became complicated between us and we didn't go as often. We spent a lot time of at his place.</p><p>"Do you want to go in or shall I order and we can stay here?" he asked, his voice sounding small. I didn't really want to have this conversation in one of our favourite places. He went in to get our usual. I sat in his car, trying to bury the memories that kept trying to re-submerge. All the times we would sit in the car and talk for hours, all the times we would make out in the car, all the drive- in movies we would go to. Yet this was also the car he became so mad at me one time he smashed my head against the windshield, this was the car where he had grabbed my ponytail and held me against the seat. How many times had I curled up into a ball, crying silently in this car because of what he had done? Wasn't it less that 24 hours ago when I had sat here numb in this very seat because he had just raped me?</p><p>He climbed back into the car and passed me the cup of hot chocolate. I took of the lid and set it on the dashboard, just like I always did. I watched the steam dance in the air, like I always did. He opened the box of Dibbles and sat it between us, just like he always did. Then he would grab a handful and try to see how many he could fit in his mouth. Just like he always did. He would grin at me and I would grab a handful, trying to beat him. We would shove Dibbles in our mouths until we were about to choke. We never kept a count of how many we could fit; it didn't matter in the end.</p><p>"Kristy, I am so sorry," he began but I put up my hand.</p><p>"I don't want to hear it," I said, my voice shaking again, "I don't even know why I'm here. I just want end things with you." I knew that was a lie. Looking at his face, all I wanted was to kiss him. I wanted to feel his hands on me, reassuring me everything was okay. I wanted him. I hated myself for those thoughts. Who was I becoming?</p><p>"Kristy, I'm so sorry. I am. I've lost control of myself. I know that," he paused, "I cannot believe what I did. I don't blame you for wanting to kick me to the curb. I'm a monster. I'm going to get help. I'm going to learn to control my anger. I... I just don't want to lose you. Can't we still be friends? I mean... I don't want to lose my best friend. You are the only person in the world who believes in me," he paused and sneaked a look at me, "I understand if you never want to see me again after this."</p><p>"I told my parents," I said, "They want me to go to the Police." Cary was silent for a moment. I didn't want to look at him. I took my hot chocolate and took a sip. Would he explode in anger? I knew he hated me telling others about things that happened between us. He believed that those problems should stay in the family. He and I were practically family. We were together all the time. We had talked countless amounts of times about moving in together after high school. We talked about of times getting married. It was just a matter of time before we were actually a family.</p><p>"I don't blame you if you go," he said. I didn't say anything. I just stared at my hot chocolate. This was the Cary Retlin I fell in love with. I wasn't afraid of his anger, of his reactions. He was caring and considerate. He would wait for me if I told him to. The question would be did I want to wait for him? Did I want to wake up every morning without him? Did I want to live my life without my best friend? I didn't. I couldn't. I needed him.</p><p>"I don't want to," I said, my voice cracking, "But what about last night? What about all the times before? How can I trust you? How can I return to you without being an idiot?" He didn't say anything at first. He took my hand. He rubbed the back of my hand with this thumb. I loved it when he did that.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Kristy," he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I have turned into this horrible monster. I've turned into the very thing I vowed never to become." His father. His biological father, not the one who lived with him now. His father who beat his mother on a daily basis until he almost killed her. His father who was in jail, on another assault charge of his current girlfriend.</p><p>"You are not that man," I said. He looked at me, tears in his own eyes.</p><p>"Yes, I am," he whispered.</p><p>"No, you aren't!" I cried and pulled him close. I could feel his tears seep through my shirt. I could hear him cry. He fought with the demon that was the legacy of his father every day. He didn't want to become that man. I knew Cary could be different from him. He was different.</p><p>"Kristy," his voice was muffled against me, "How can you say those things? After everything I have done? How can you still love me?"</p><p>"Because I do," I whispered. We sat in the car, saying nothing, comforting each other. We both were crying. Last night he didn't just break a part of me but he broke a part of himself.</p><p>"We'll keep in touch," I said finally, "This won't be goodbye." He looked at me.</p><p>"I love you, Kristy," he said.</p><p>"I love you," I opened the car door, preparing for the long walk home, "Call me later."</p><p>I wasn't ready to go home yet. I was near Mary Anne's place. I debated about going over there but it still felt like I would have to face my problems. She may not talk about it but it would still float between us. I made a vow not to tell anyone about this last conversation with Cary. I would think about it on my own. I found myself on the street where I grew up on. I paused on the corner, thinking about how things had changed. I used to live on one side of Bradford Court, Mary Anne living beside me, our windows facing each other and Claudia Kishi living across the road. We were inseparable until sixth grade, when Claudia discovered boys and fashion and Mary Anne and I were still perfectly content playing with dolls. In seventh grade we reunited with the start of the BSC. Once the club disbanded, Claudia and I drifted apart again. We had little in common, after all. Claudia was still boy crazy and still fashion wild or at least that it was it appeared whenever I saw her in the halls. I hadn't talked to her since grade nine. We were in different classes, on different paths. I wondered what she was doing now.</p><p>I walked down the road, debating on knocking on her door or not when she stumbled out of her house, laughing loudly. Alan Gray and his best friend, Austin Bentley came out behind her, also laughing loudly. I stopped at the end of her driveway, wondering what was so funny, wondering what it would be like to be so carefree, so worry-free.</p><p>"Hey! Thomas!" Austin cried, at the top of his lung, when he saw me, "Get your sexy ass over here!" I felt myself blushing and walked up the drive. Claudia had fallen to the lawn, still giggling. She was wearing huge baggy jeans that looked like she tried to tie- dye and a large black tank top that showed her black bra on the sides. She was also wearing black high top shoes. I wasn't quite sure what the look she was going for was but I never was able to tell.</p><p>"Thomas, what are you doing in our neck of the woods?" Austin asked. I shrugged.</p><p>"Just walking," I replied, "Is Stacey here too?" Claudia and Stacey McGill were best friends. They were like Mary Anne and I, except those two had some common interests. They were both boy crazy and into fashion. Stacey was more into fashion trends and wearing what was hip and cool, oppose to Claudia's fashion creations.</p><p>Claudia rolled her eyes, "That lesbo? Fuck her. I haven't hung out with her in a long time. I guess you have been too busy in Cary's pants to notice, eh?" She laughed loudly. I didn't remember Claudia being so crass before. Alan put his arm around me when he saw my bewildered face.</p><p>"Stacey was totally coming onto Claudia last year at some party. Claud rejected her and they haven't spoken since," he explained. I didn't say anything, "Welcome back to the real world, Thomas. Where is Retlin anyway?"</p><p>"I don't know," I said, "We are taking a break." Claudia jumped to her feet.</p><p>"By the look on your face, I'm going to assume that it wasn't a mutual decision," she said, "But I have an idea. McGill is going to have a wicked party tonight and I say we crash it," she was grinning, "Alan, you pick Kristy up tonight, okay? I have to plan a fabulous outfit!" With that Claudia Kishi flounced into her house, setting the door behind her. I looked at Alan, who was grinning.</p><p>"That's what I love about Claudia, she's always having wild ideas. Nothing is boring around her," he said. Austin shook his head.</p><p>"I'm going to get ready for tonight," he winked at Alan, "If you know what I mean." He took off jogging down the street.</p><p>"You don't have to pick me up," I said, "I mean, I haven't gone to a party in a while. I don't know if I really want to." Especially if it meant showing up with Claudia, I thought but didn't add. It felt cruel to say that but Claudia wasn't the girl I remembered. Alan smiled at me.</p><p>"I know what you mean. Like I said, that's what I love about her. She's wild, crazy and fun. Nothing is boring when I'm with her," he paused, "Nothing is stable either."</p><p>"You and Claudia are still together?" I asked. Alan and Claudia starting dating at the end of eighth grade and I had heard they broke up a few months later. I would see them in the halls, still holding hands or exchanging a kiss. When Mary Anne and I were still close, I remember mentioning it to her once. She shrugged. Mary Anne was having her own heart troubles at that time, I remembered. Her "true love" Logan Bruno and her had broken up for the millionth time. I remember asking her why she kept going back to him. She said I wouldn't understand. I wondered if I would understand now.</p><p>"No, no," Alan said, shaking his head, "We haven't been a couple since grade nine. We still hook up and whatever but keeping that girl all to myself? Impossible." I didn't reply, wondering what that meant. I wondered how much my friends had changed over the years. After the BSC broke up, we all really went our own ways in our own pairs. The BSC was always just sets of best friends. I frowned, realizing that even before I started dating Cary that I was pretty self involved. I didn't even know who my own friends were.</p><p>"Come out with me anyway," he said, "Just you and me. Claudia usually goes party crashing on her own and Austin is going to be too drunk to remember to go. It will be fun," I hesitated, my thoughts returning to Cary. What would he say if I accepted? I wondered what our status was after I left the car. What would Cary say if I went to the party with his one time best friend? Alan misread the apprehension in my face, "Not a date, Thomas. I learnt my lesson with you a millennia ago. Just as friends. What do you say?" I didn't see any harm in that.</p><p>"As long as you aren't sticking straws up your nose or anything else stupid, sure."</p><p>"I'll pick you up at nine, okay?" He smiled at me one more time and walked away. I stood there for a moment, allowing the moment to sit with me, before I started walking. It would be a long walk home. Perhaps by the time I got home, I would be able to push all my confusion away.</p><p>I stared at the mirror, wrapped in a fuzzy yellow towel, debating what to wear. I wasn't always like that. I could remember a million different occasions where I saw Stacey and another member of the BSC exchange a look because I had shown up somewhere in jeans and a t-shirt. Through out high school, my caring for the proper attire didn't change. I had owned a few dresses but only because my mother purchased for them. I didn't see the only in wearing skirts and whatnot when it would only make me feel uncomfortable. I was happy in causal clothing, so who cared?</p><p>It was starting to date Cary that changed all that. For the first time in my life, I wanted to look good for someone. I wanted to learn how to do something with my hair other than pulling it in a ponytail. I wanted to learn how to put on makeup. It was awkward asking my mother for help, although she loved the idea of her little girl becoming more girlish. Yet it still Cary who helped me care more about fashion. It was him who I asked to go shopping with for more "girlish" outfits. We picked out some pretty nice and comfortable outfits that day. After that, he would buy different outfits because he thought I would look pretty in them. I slowly grew out of my uniform and starting wearing some nice clothing.</p><p>The question would be what to wear tonight? I knew what outfits Cary thought I looked sexy in. I wondered if he would be upset if I went to the party in anything other than my uniform. I wondered if I should even care. We were broken up. I think. I didn't know. It didn't matter. It wasn't a date. It was hanging out with a friend. Sort of. I hated how confused I felt. This wasn't how I was supposed to be. I made up my mind. I would look dressy/ casual, whatever that meant. I went to the bathroom and curled my long brown hair into soft tumbling curls, which framed my face. I would only put a little makeup, like a little mascara and lip gloss. Once my face was done up, I went to my bedroom and got dressed in dark blue jeans, that hung low on my waist, and chocolate coloured spaghetti strapped shirt. The shirt was a little clingy, annunciating all the proper parts. I remembered Cary liked me wearing the shirt but not in public. I pulled it on one time we were about to go out and he looked at me and announced me a "little trampy." I had thrown it in my closet and forgotten about it. Adding a pair of black shoes and a thick black cross on, I checked myself in the mirror. I looked pretty good. I looked at my arms, thinking about the last time I wore something sleeveless. I was no longer hiding bruising. I smiled at myself. Maybe, just maybe, tonight I would have some fun.</p><p>I ran downstairs at five to nine and was about to step outside to wait for Alan when my mother stopped me.</p><p>"Kristen Amanda Thomas," she said, crossing her arms in front of her, "Where do you think you are going?"</p><p>"To a party," I said. She raised her eyebrows, "Alan Gray- you remember him- is picking me up and we are meeting Claudia Kishi there. It's at Stacey McGill's house." She looked at me, frowning.</p><p>"Do you think you ought to go out so soon after… ?" her voice trailed off.</p><p>"I want to," I answered, seeing Alan's car coming down the street now. I didn't want to make him come to the door, "I need to. Please stop making me relive it, okay?" I knew mom wasn't happy with my answer but when I opened the door, she didn't say anything. As I hurried down the front walk, to Alan's car, I felt bad about leaving my mom behind. I wondered if she wanted to reconnect with her broken daughter. I didn't want to be seen as broken. I didn't want to deal with that cloud that hung over me.</p><p>I slid into Alan's car and smiled at him. He was dressed up in a nice shirt and, what looked like, pressed jeans. Guys had it so much easier when it came to clothes. They could put on anything and it would be okay. The conversation on the way to McGill's was forced. Every topic started quickly died. Alan wasn't into sports as he used to be in middle school, but drifted into an artsy crowd. He was more into music and he apparently played the guitar. In one moment of awkward silence, he confessed he liked writing song lyrics but wasn't brave enough to sing them in public. He didn't mind being the backup music guy for his friends. We tried to talk about our plans after high school, which was ending in a few weeks, and the conversation stilled when I told him I hadn't applied anywhere and didn't really know what was going to happen. He had said he was surprised because he never thought Kristy Thomas, former president of the BSC and a million other campaigns throughout high school, would be without a plan. My parents hadn't thought so either. Needless to say that September was still a sore topic in my home. The conversation died when Cary was mentioned. Neither of us really wanted to talk about him. I didn't want to explain why we were "on a break" and he didn't want to explain what happened between them to end their friendship.</p><p>Thankfully Stacey's house wasn't a long drive from my house and we were quickly inside the house, which was busting full of people. I looked around, not recognizing many people. I saw some people from Stoneybrook High but there were still tons I didn't know. I wondered if there were people from Stoneybrook Day and Stoneybrook Academy. I wondered if Stacey had actually invited all these people or if a lot of them were party crashers like we were. Alan took my hand and led me through out the crowd, towards the kitchen. I remembered a time when I knew this house like the back of my hand. I spent many hours here, hanging out with Stacey and my other friends. All their houses were like a second home to me. Now the McGill's house was completely foreign to me. There were pictures of Ms. Spencer and a new man. I wondered if Stacey's mom had remarried. I felt the urge to call together all the old BSC members and catch up with them. I wanted my old life back. Alan stood behind me as I stared at the pictures on the wall. I wanted that feeling of control I had when I was in eighth grade. It all began to slip away when the BSC broke up. I didn't want to believe that being thirteen was the high point in my life. I pushed that thought away. I was just feeling melodramatic. I had many good points in my life since then. I turned away from the pictures and followed Alan to the kitchen.</p><p>In Stacey's kitchen sat a couple of kegs and several boxes of various kinds of alcohol. Alan grabbed a bottle of beer from the counter. He went to grab one for me but I shook my head. I rarely drank. I had never gotten drunk. I knew that was unusual for someone my age, but it wasn't something I was interested in. Alan smiled at me and shrugged. We decided to head down to the basement. Alan figured it was probably the least rowdy place in the house, besides the bedrooms and we didn't really want to go there.</p><p>Stacey was downstairs, with her arm around Mary Anne. I was surprised to see my best friend at the party. I could tell both of them were surprised to see me. Their shock deepened when they saw Alan coming down with me. He took a seat across from them and made room for me. Stacey smiled at me.</p><p>"Hey Kristy," she said. Her words seemed rushed together. I wondered if she was drunk. I had heard a lot of rumours about Stacey being a partier but it seemed strange to see it for myself. It seemed even stranger to see Mary Anne taking a sip from a cooler.</p><p>"Hey," I replied, "I didn't know you two were on good terms again." The pair exchanged a look. Mary Anne shrugged.</p><p>"We were paired up in a project last year and since you were so busy with Cary, we started to hang out more. It turns out we had a few things in common," Mary Anne said, taking another sip. I didn't say anything. I felt lost. Everything seemed to be changing on me. I suddenly wished Cary was sitting next to me instead of Alan. I wanted to lead against his shoulders, and feel his arm around me. I wanted to feel his stableness around me and know that at least something would never change. Yet even that changed. Everything changes. I hate change.</p><p>"I hope you don't mind us crashing," Alan said, breaking the awkward silence, "We thought it might be a nice distraction for Kristy." Mary Anne and Stacey shared another look. I wondered what my friend had told her. I also wondered if I had lost my only other friend to Stacey McGill. Would I have to compete for Mary Anne's attention now? I wondered if I had a right to try to reclaim my spot in her life. I missed Cary.</p><p>"I don't mind friendly people crashing," Stacey said smiling, "I should go upstairs and make sure it's not getting out of hand," she looked at Mary Anne, "Going to stay here for a bit?" Mary Anne nodded and Stacey leaned over and kissed Mary Anne gently on the lips, "I'll meet you upstairs later, then." I watched in shock as Stacey left the basement. I glanced at Mary Anne to see her reaction. She was blushing, not quite looking at me. I glanced at Alan, waiting for someone to react.</p><p>"I heard some rumours about you two, but I figured it was just Claudia shooting off her mouth," he finally said. I looked at Mary Anne, waiting for her to deny the whole thing. She gave a small smile.</p><p>"We are keeping it quiet," she said, "But I think Stacey is a bit drunk so she's feeling more comfortable about the whole thing," she looked at me, looking apologetic, "I should have said something to you, Kristy, but we have been busy and earlier today wasn't really time. I'm sorry." I stood up. I felt my heart pounding. Why was I reacting so badly to this? It wasn't that I thought homosexuality was wrong. I didn't really care if anyone was gay or not. There had been periods before Cary where I wondered if I was gay. It wasn't that at all.</p><p>"No," I said quickly, just wanting to leave the basement, "No, really, it's okay. I totally understand," I paused for a moment, "I'm happy for you." I walked away, my heart still pounding. I heard Alan tell Mary Anne he'd see her around and he followed me upstairs. I went straight to the kitchen and grabbed a cooler from the box. I cracked it open and took a long drink. Alan came up to me and touched my arm.</p><p>"Kristy," he sounded hesitant. I took another drink, wondering how many of these I would have to drink before I finally began to relax and let everything go.</p><p>"It's not what you think," I said, gulping the frizzy drink down. It burned my throat, "I don't care about Mary Anne and Stacey. I really don't." I finished the bottle and grabbed another one. Before I opened it, Alan took it from me.</p><p>"Then what are you doing?" he asked. His brown eyes stared into mine. For a moment I was reminded of Cary's eyes. His eyes were brown too. They were so warm and invited, except when I had done something to upset him. I hated when they flickered in anger and disgust.</p><p>"Relaxing!" I cried, grabbing the bottle back, "I just want to let it all go!" Alan nodded.</p><p>"I get that," he said, "I've drunken myself stupid many times before as well. It doesn't make the problems go away, or make it any easier to deal with the next day. The bottle hardly makes problems better. They have a tendency to make it worse." I rolled my eyes and drank half the bottle, in a single drink. I could feel the effects suddenly, making everything feel slightly fuzzy and my head lighter than normal. I put the bottle on the counter.</p><p>"Just take me home," I whispered. Alan put his arm around me and we left. I didn't speak as he drove me home. I never felt so confused and unsure in my life. Everything was so messed up. I wanted… I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted to call Cary and talk to him but it felt like he was the enemy and I knew I couldn't go back to him. My friends had changed. I didn't take the time, the effort to keep in touch with them and suddenly that was completely different. My family wasn't the same either. I knew they were all looking at me differently now. My whole life had changed.</p><p>Alan pulled up in my driveway. The entire mansion was dark.</p><p>"You are going to be okay, Thomas?" he asked. I looked at him, unsure how to answer it. I leaned over and kissed him. I mean, really kissed him. He seemed frozen for a moment, but then he kissed me back. I touched his cheek, feeling the smoothness of a teenage boy who hasn't quite matured yet to the need to shave, of a teenage boy who was behind his peers in physical development but one who matured in many ways since eighth grade. He ran his hands through my hair and slide down my back. He pulled me closer and I kissed him, hungrily. I didn't know what I was thinking, what I was doing. I pulled back from him, looking into his eyes. I wondered what he was thinking.</p><p>"No, I'm not going to be okay," I answered and left the car.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I spent Sunday in my room, hiding from the world</p><p>I spent Sunday in my room, hiding from the world. Mary Anne called a couple of times but I told my mother I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. She agreed to tell people I was sleeping or some other lame excuse. I blocked everyone on my MSN except Cary. Alan called me too. I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with that one yet. I didn't really want to think about it. I felt bad about just reacting like that. It wasn't fair to Alan, to play on his feelings like that. Not that I was assuming that he was interested in me like that but still I shouldn't have kissed him. I knew I would have to deal with it soon enough.</p><p>I only spoke to one person that Sunday and it was Cary. We talked sporadically throughout the day via MSN. I told him that I had gone to Stacey's party. I didn't mention about what happened with Alan; however, I ended up confessing about Mary Anne and Stacey. He was surprised too but mostly about Mary Anne. Stacey always seemed like a free agent, dating males and flirting with females. He said he wasn't surprised in the least that Stacey would move onto girls next. Anything to get her next sexual fix but it was Mary Anne that surprised him. He never thought, especially after all the on again/ off again dating with Logan Bruno, would she flip to the other side. I agreed. I wondered how long Mary Anne had felt attractions to girls. I wondered why she never told me. I wondered if Stacey was her first.</p><p>We also talked about school the next day. He said he understood if I didn't want to hang out with him. He wanted to make it clear that he understood that I wanted some space, that we wanted space. He said he didn't want us to fall into old habits. Cary told me he was going to go to the guidance counsellor to get some information on anger management. I told him that we didn't have to spend all our time apart. I suggested that we met in the softball field during our third period spare. I felt bad for suggesting it but it felt even more wrong to go a whole day without touching base with him. He agreed.</p><p>I had a hard time going to sleep that night. I wondered if people knew that we had broken up. I wondered if people would come up to me, or Cary, and ask what happened. I wondered what would the answer would be. I wondered if anyone had found out the truth. I wondered if anyone knew before I did but just didn't say anything. Had I been looking like the fool for a long time? I wondered if everyone knew what was happening before I did. I hated not knowing what to expect. I hated not being able to lean on Cary, as I always had done. I hated feeling so alone.</p><p>The next morning I had another fashion dilemma. A part of me just wanted to hide in my old uniform and pretend that I didn't exist, yet another part didn't want to appear so weak. I ended up dressing in a short jean skirt and a t-shirt that said "Little Miss Trouble" on it. I paired it with running shoes, a thick watch and kept my hair long. I was definitely winning with the casual/ dressy look. I knew Cary liked this outfit on me. I remembered the first time I wore it he had wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. He whispered in my ear how sexy he found me and that he just wanted to take me home and have his way with me. I remember feeling so special. I didn't think I could feel so wanted by anyone.</p><p>Just as I finished getting dressed, I heard my mother call to me that my ride was here. I froze. Cary always used to pick me up and drive me to school. He didn't live very far from me and, since I never got my driver's license, he said he didn't see the point of me riding the bus forever, when he was so willing to drive me. Besides, it gave us some more time together. I remembered all the quickies we would have before class started, how he used to whisper in my ear, as I would get dressed again, that the thought of my sexy body kept him going all day. The first time he said that, I thought it was funny. We spent the whole day together. We had most of the same classes, the same lunch period and we would be together at the end of the day as well. He was always there. Always. I recalled times when I had told him that I was going to go the library to work on a project, or to study and that I wanted to be alone but he would still come. He would sneak me in lunch. I used to think it was sweet of him. Now, thinking back, I wondered if it was just another way of him controlling me. I began to regret making that date with him during my spare. I could have used that time to do the homework I neglected to do this weekend. I wondered if we were rushing things. Nothing had changed. Only a couple of nights ago, I had run home, crying because we had sex. I didn't want to fall into old patterns.</p><p>My mother called me again to come downstairs, that my ride was waiting for me. I pushed all thoughts out of my head. It couldn't be Cary picking me up anyway. If it was, my mother would have freaked out. She wouldn't be so happy sounding about me getting into the car with him again. I grabbed a jacket and went outside, wondering if maybe mom convinced Charlie to drive me to school. It was Mary Anne's SUV. I approached it, wondering if she was upset with me. I wondered if Stacey was in the car too. It was only Mary Anne.</p><p>"Hey," I said, not quite looking at her. She pulled out of the driveway.</p><p>"Is everything okay?" she asked, her eyes focused on the road.</p><p>"Yes. No. I don't know," I said, "I'm sorry about my reaction on Saturday. It's just-"</p><p>"It's okay, Kristy," she said, sneaking a glance at me, "That's why I didn't tell you earlier. I figured it would be too much information at once. You have your own problems and I didn't want to dump the fact that your best friend is dating Stacey McGill." I saw her smile. I hadn't seen Mary Anne smile like that since the first time she started to date Logan Bruno. She actually seemed happy.</p><p>"I'm happy for you," I said. I wanted to say more but the words were lost.</p><p>"I know," she said, "Stacey and I seem like the least likely couple. She is so wild, you know? She isn't afraid of anything. She has opened my eyes and showed me so much. We have really only been dating for about a month but we have been flirting with each other since that project. I'm her first. Sometimes I think that's why she dated so many guys. Maybe if she dated the right guy, all those feelings for the same sex would go away but it just doesn't. It just makes you more confused." We pulled into SHS's student parking lot. Mary Anne turned off the car and faced me.</p><p>"No one really knows, besides you and Alan. She's not ready to go public and I'm not really either," she paused then frowned, "I'm sorry, Kristy. This is why I didn't want to mention it before, I'm totally ignoring you. How are you holding up? Has he tried to contact you at all?"</p><p>"I'm dealing," I looked away from her, "I haven't spoken to Cary at all. Today is going to be hard," I opened the SUV's door, not waiting to continue lying, "But I got to keep going. I have to be strong. I'm not going to let anyone knock me down." I stepped out before Mary Anne could catch me on my bluff. We walked towards the school, silently, both lost in our own thoughts. Before we parted ways, she touched my hand and promised to meet me at lunch. I nodded and disappeared into the crowded hallways.</p><p>Sitting in my first period class was horrible. I couldn't concentrate. It didn't help that the homework that was assigned over the weekend was crucial to understanding today's lesson. I couldn't understand a damn thing. I counted the minutes until the period was over. I barely heard the teacher announce a test on the topic for the next day. I didn't care. I decided to skip next period and headed towards the softball field. The air was still cool, despite the fact it was the beginning of June. It would still be a while before the air was warm enough to go outside without a jacket. I wasn't the only one out there. Cary sat on one of the benches, his notebook open on his lap. He seemed lost in his thoughts. His blonde hair was draped across his eyes. He looked so cute, sitting there. I sat next to him, saying nothing. He seemed to notice me, but didn't say anything. He closed his notebook and grabbed my hand. We sat silently for about ten minutes, before we spoke. As his warm hand covered mine, I couldn't help think about all the times he held me, comforting me. I also could feel the miles between us. It was like after Friday night had carved a huge grand canyon between us. I didn't know what could be done to fix it. I didn't know it could be fixed.</p><p>"Kristy," Cary whispered. He turned to look at me. The wind blew my hair out of my face and out of his, "Why is we here like this?" I didn't say anything. I didn't know how to answer him, "How can I be losing you? How could I have been so stupid? I have been thinking about the past several months. I have been thinking about who I've become these past several months, thinking about every word I had said against you, thinking about every time I have raised my hand against you, every aggressive action I have done against you. I have thought about every controlling, every abusive action I have done. After every time I have done something against you, I hated myself for it. I told myself I wound never do it again. I would never hurt you like that again but then I found myself doing it again and again. I saw you coming back to me, your once fallen tears dried, wrapping your arms around me, whispering that you loved me, that you were sorry. I didn't want to admit what, who I was becoming, so I allowed myself to believe you were to blame. Kristy, Kristy, my beautiful Kristy, I am so sorry. How can I ever expect you to forgive me?"</p><p>"Because I love you," I responded. He faced me, cupping my face with his hand.</p><p>"No, Kristy, that isn't enough anymore," he said, "I love you but that didn't stop me from hurting you. You love me but that doesn't stop you from hurting. It doesn't change anything." Tears welled up in my eyes. He was right. Love didn't stop any of this from happening and love wouldn't guarantee that it would never happen again.</p><p>"So now what?" I whispered.</p><p>"I don't ever want to lose you, Kristy," he said, "I don't want to wake up in the morning hating myself. I want to start over with you. Start from the beginning, you know? Have telephone conversations, MSN conversations and dates. We'll start slowly. I'm going to enrol in some programs to improve myself. I don't ever want to become that person." Cary kissed me softly.</p><p>"You aren't going to lose me," I whispered. Cary stood up, kissing me again. I stood up, holding on to his hand tightly. I kissed him, wanting him, needing him. We stood in the field, kissing. Finally we broke apart. He walked away, without saying another word. I knew it was over, despite what he just said. Yeah, we may talk occasionally, but that last kiss seemed too much like a good bye than a renewal. Tears slipped down my cheeks, as I realised I was on my own.</p><p>For the past year, I had spent every lunch with Cary. It was weird to enter the lunchroom and not scan the room for his blonde hair. This time I was looking for blonde hair but it belonged to the most popular girl in school. I spotted Stacey McGill with her group of wannabe friends and, of course, Mary Anne Spier. Mary Anne sat at the end of the table, looking uncomfortable. I sat down beside her.</p><p>"This isn't really your scene, is it?" I asked, opening a bottle of water. Mary Anne poked at her hot meal. She raised her eyebrow at me.</p><p>"That's your meal?" she asked. I shrugged.</p><p>"Not hungry. Water is healthy for you," I replied, "But you didn't answer my question. I know it's on the DL but she's totally ignoring you."</p><p>"Kristy, shut up," she replied, "How are you holding up?"</p><p>"I wish people would stop asking me about that," I snapped. We didn't say anything for a few minutes, each trying to ignore our wounds. I heard Stacey laugh loudly. I didn't know why she didn't even acknowledge her girlfriend. They could at least pretend to be friends. I wondered if I should confront Stacey about it. It wasn't fair to Mary Anne.</p><p>"Sharon got a call from Dawn last night," Mary Anne finally said, "I don't really know what happened but dad and Sharon went into their room after and had a long talk. I have heard some things lately about Dawn. Apparently she's having a hard time in California. She's fallen into a rough crowd. She's been running with this crowd for a while."</p><p>"Sunny got her into this crowd?" I asked. Mary Anne shook her head.</p><p>"I haven't talked to Dawn in a few years, but the last time I went out there in grade nine, Sunny and I became close. We still talk regularly. Sunny and Dawn stopped being friends in grade ten. Sunny wanted to clean up her act after she got pregnant. Sunny told me that Dawn seemed to have change. She seemed to rebelling, acting out more. You remember Dawn before, she was so straight lace. She used to call me all the time, complaining about how much Sunny had changed, how wild Sunny was and how she was heading into trouble. She always used to tell me how she didn't know how she could continue to be Sunny's friend if she would continue to be like that," Mary Anne sighed, tears welling up in her eyes. A part of me wanted to reach over and give her a hug but I couldn't, "Then they just switched. Soon instead of me talking to Sunny about how she was going to get in trouble, I was talking to her about baby names and current school assignments. I was talking about Dawn about the dangers of drinking and drugs. Dawn stopped calling me after a while and she never wrote. You know Dawn only talks to her mother now and that's maybe once a month or less. I'm really worried about her," Mary Anne looked at Stacey. I knew she wanted her girlfriend's comfort instead of being ignored. I wished I knew how to comfort my best friend. I was never good at that.</p><p>"Did you hear anything when your parents talked?" I asked, trying to act supportive. Mary Anne shrugged and started to clean up her lunch.</p><p>"Nothing. I wanted to ask this morning but Sharon was acting like such a bitch. I just wanted to leave," Mary Anne looked at Stacey again and stood up, "I think I'm going to head to the library and study before my next class. I'll call you tonight, okay?" I nodded and watched my best friend leave. I felt totally useless.</p><p>I managed to avoid Alan for several days. It wasn't like me not to face my problems, but with everything going on I didn't feel like trying to justify my actions. Especially when I didn't understand why I had kissed him. Cary and I hadn't talked since Monday. Everyone was coming up to me asking where he was. He seemed to disappear into thin air after our conversation in the field. He wasn't in school anymore. He was never online and he didn't return my messages or emails. His cell phone was off too. I was worried about him. I had no idea where he was or how to get in touch with him. I debated about going over to his house but something held me back from doing that. Every day I vowed to myself I would go over and see what was going on but I never did.</p><p>By the time Friday came around I still hadn't heard from Cary and my mind and stomach were twisted with worry, I wasn't concentrating on avoiding Alan. He was waiting for me after school.</p><p>"Thomas," he said, stepping close to me so I couldn't escape the conversation. When did I become so afraid of conflict? I used to thrive on it.</p><p>"Hey," I said, deciding to focus my attention on my locker and getting the books I would need that weekend. The books, which I knew, would sit in my bag, despite the fact I had homework I needed to catch up on.</p><p>"Thomas, why are you avoiding me? Was my behaviour at the party that bad?" he asked, now leaning against the row of lockers. I didn't answer him. No, his behaviour wasn't the problem.</p><p>"It's the kiss, isn't it?" he said, "I understand. You are rebounding. The whole school's rumour mill is talking about you and Cary. Everyone was putting down money you two would be married before the year was over and suddenly he's AWOL and you are walking around like a zombie."</p><p>"I am not walking around like a zombie!" I protested, glaring at Alan. He smiled.</p><p>"Sure you are," he replied, "But I'm not judging. Anyone with two pair of eyes can see that you two were close. Anyway, my whole point is that I'm not upset or weirded out about being your temporary rebound guy and I don't want you to be either. I actually liked hanging out with you, Thomas. Despite your new zombie attitude, you are still cool."</p><p>"I think that requires a thanks," I muttered, feeling relived that things weren't going to be weird between us.</p><p>"So, unless you want to roam around the graves tonight looking for brains, how about coming over to Claudia's with me? We can pretend it's a BSC meeting," he winked at me.</p><p>"I was going to go over to Cary's to see what was going on," I admitted, "But I'll come over later, okay?" Alan studied me for a moment, maybe trying to decide if I was serious about coming over. I smiled at him and shut my locker.</p><p>"I'll be there in an hour or two," Alan nodded and we parted ways. For a moment I wished he would offer me a ride but I knew it would be a bad idea. I didn't want Cary to know about my friendship with his ex-best friend yet. Maybe, when things calm down between us, I would ask what happened.</p><p>I took the city bus across town and got off a couple of stops before Cary's. I felt reminded of all the times in grade nine and ten when I would bus it to Cary's after school to see what he was up to. For some reason, one memory stuck out in my mind. It was in grade ten. Cary was quickly becoming my best friend. At that particular time I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks and I had decided to pop over to see what was going on. I knew if I came around four o'clock, the house would be empty except for him. He had this habit of leaving the front door unlocked, so I decided that I would just sneak in and surprise him. It was me who was surprised. I found Cokie Mason, who was still my life long enemy, sitting on top of Cary, making out. Both were shirtless. I remembered how shocked I was. I never thought Cary would hook up with Cokie Mason. Never mind the fact that she was a total bitch, a huge slut and countless other things, she was my enemy. I thought that he would have respected me more than that. I left his house without saying a word. I know he saw me because, as I ran up the stairs, away from his bedroom, I heard him call my name. I should have figured it out then I was harbouring a huge crush for him. I wondered what I would find now.</p><p>I knocked on the door, glancing at the driveway. His mother's car was there, which was unusual for that time of day. I wondered if something serious had happened. Cary's mother opened the door.</p><p>"Kristy!" she sounded surprised to see me, "What are you doing here?" I hesitated before answering. I wondered if I had come at a bad time. Her eyes were red and puffy, as if she had been crying heavily.</p><p>"I was wondering if Cary was around. I hadn't seen him in school this week," I said. Her face softened and she pulled me into a hug. Cary's mother was never big into emotional displays.</p><p>"Oh, Kristy, please don't become that girl," she whispered. I pulled away from her.</p><p>"What girl?" I asked. She looked so sad.</p><p>"The girl who keeps returning to the abusive boyfriend. Kristy, dear, I've been down that road. It's heartbreaking and soul destroying. Don't let him do that to you. Don't let him destroy you."</p><p>"What are you talking about?" I asked, my heart starting to race. Did Cary actually tell his parents what had happened? I couldn't believe it if he had. Besides, wouldn't he have called me?</p><p>"Kristy, I know you think parents are foolish but your mother called us this week. She wanted us to know what was going on, so we could get some help for Cary," my face paled, "He's not living here anymore. I don't know where he went."</p><p>"You kicked him out?" I cried, not quiet sure who I was madder at: my mom or Cary's.</p><p>"Not actually. We told him we were going to enrol him in some programs and limit all contact with you. He refused, saying he was going to deal with this on his own. He said that you loved each other and as long as you had that, nothing was going to keep you apart. His stepfather decided to take the tough love approach. He told him that he was going to obey our rules or leave. He left. He packed up some point on Tuesday and hasn't returned," she paused and looked at me, "Kristy, I know you are worried about him and I know you are mad at me for allowing this to happen but he needs help. You know that, don't you? You can see that."</p><p>"I know he needs help!" I cried, "He needs someone to help him and get him through this. You are just condemning him at this point!" I turned my back and walked away. What kind of mother, was she? To reject her son when he needed support the most? I heard her call my name but I kept walking. I couldn't look at her anymore, at her fake tears and her empty words of wisdom. Abandoning Cary wasn't going to help him get better. He needed someone. The last thing he wanted was to turn out like his father and if no one was willing to support him as he tried to improve himself, he could very well lose himself.</p><p>My anger turned to my mother. I knew I couldn't call her and yell at her. I wasn't supposed to find out. I wasn't supposed to go to his place. I wondered if Cary's mom would call my mother and report my little visit. I decided I didn't care if she did. It was my life and this was how I was dealing with it. I wished everyone would just butt out and let me make my own decisions. For seventeen years, people believed I was independent, strong and responsible, why would that change now? I wasn't going to get myself in a stupid situation. Cary was different.</p><p>I grabbed the next bus to Claudia's. I tried to bury my anger on the ride across the city. There was no point being in a pissy mood there. I wondered what to expect at Claudia's. I didn't know my friend anymore. I wondered in what ways she had changed, or if the Claudia I knew was still very much a part of her. I debated about calling Mary Anne and seeing if she would come join me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to deal with Claudia on my own. I pulled out my cell and called her. Mary Anne answered on the first ring.</p><p>"Hey, Kristy, everything okay?" I rolled my eyes. She always asked that lately when I called. What was she expecting me to say?</p><p>"Everything is fine," I replied, keeping my cheek in check, "I'm heading over to Claudia's to hang out. Did you want to join me?" I heard Mary Anne hesitate.</p><p>"I would but Stacey is coming over. Richard and Sharon are having a date night and it's the only time we can be alone, you know?" she paused then rushed on quickly, "But if you want me to join you, I will. No big." I knew what that meant. I will because I know you are hurting right now and I'll be a good friend by coming with you, but what I really want is to spend time with my girlfriend. Over this past week, I realised how selfish I was but I knew I couldn't be that selfish.</p><p>"Don't worry about it," I replied, "Say hi to Stacey for me?"</p><p>"Sure," I could practically hear the relief in her voice, "Why don't you come over tomorrow? Stacey is coming over but we were just planning to watch some videos. It would be nice to have the three of us hanging out. It will be sort of like old times. Stacey can even invite Mallory over. She's back in town. It will be fun."</p><p>"Sounds great," I replied. We quickly hung up due to the fact I had just turned onto Bradford Court. I would call her the next day to finalize the plans.</p><p>Alan was sitting outside, smoking a cigarette, when I came up the driveway. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. I didn't like smokers. I often thought there was better ways to commit suicide than to gamble my life with cancer and other smoking related diseases.</p><p>"How did it go at Cary's?" he asked, stamping out the cigarette. I shrugged.</p><p>"He wasn't there," I said, not wanting to divulge any of the details. Alan didn't reply. He opened the door and led me up to Claudia's room. I noticed, as we went up the stairs, that her house seemed different. As we passed Janine's room, I realised what it was. The Kishi's always kept little things up of Mimi's up, whether it was a picture or something of hers up. Now the house was devoid of everything Mimi. I wondered where everything went.</p><p>Alan knocked twice and opened Claudia's room. Loud rock music was playing, the window was opened and there were some candles lit. The room looked exactly how I remembered it. Clothes were thrown everywhere and what space that wasn't covered with clothing, had art supplies. It was nice to see some things didn't change. Austin Bentley and Erica Blumberg sat on the bed smoking what looked like a joint. Claudia jumped to her feet when she saw me. Alan closed the door after I entered and sat down on the floor.</p><p>"Kristy!" she cried, "I cleared off your director's chair! Oh! At five thirty you totally need to call this meeting to order!" she laughed loudly.</p><p>I saw down on the director chair and smiled. Memories of the old days washed over me. Claudia was still laughing. I wondered if she was high. I pushed the thought out of my head. Claudia was wild and out there but we knew the dangers of drugs. She wouldn't be into that, even though her friends were. Besides Mr. and Mrs. Kishi would flip if she was. It wasn't a possibility.</p><p>"All hail Dictator Kristy!" she cried. I rolled my eyes.</p><p>"I wasn't that bad," I said. She snorted.</p><p>"Yeah, right. I am so glad those days are over. Everything was so one dimensional and Lord forbid if we ever toed the line! Kristy, you were in charge of everything, not allowing for anything to go out of your control. We were all like that, actually. Remember when MA got her hair cut? We were so furious at her! And for what, really?" Claudia flopped down on her bed, "We weren't real friends. We were just a bunch of people who hung out together because we liked to babysit. I don't think any of us were true friends."</p><p>"What are you talking about? Some of us are still friends! I still hang out with Mary Anne-" Claudia cut me off before I could finish.</p><p>"You dropped her like a hot potato as soon as Cary came into the picture," she snapped, "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. We just didn't mesh as well as we thought we all did," she smiled at me, "If I had bad feelings, would you be sitting in my room right now? Hell no! We just grew up and realized we had nothing in common and that's okay." I didn't respond, wondering how right Claudia was. I wondered what Mallory Pike and Jessi Ramsey were doing. I hadn't spoken to either since the club broke up. I thought about Abby Stevenson. She and I were close in grade eight but when we started high school, we drifted apart. She suddenly got into her religion really strictly and stopped hanging out with me. I missed that friendship, but not enough for me to pursue it.</p><p>Alan kicked my foot, breaking me out of my thoughts. He smiled at me.</p><p>"So, Kishi," Austin said, "What are we going to do tonight? Don't tell me we are hanging out here." Claudia smiled a wicked smile.</p><p>"Hardly," she replied, jumping to her feet. I watched her. She always seemed to be moving. I wondered if she had some attention defect disorder or something. I often wondered if my stepsister, Karen, had that.</p><p>"I heard the Shillaber twins are having a party," Erica said. Claudia shook her head, her black hair flying around her.</p><p>"Better," she said, "Stoneybrook Community Pool just opened up. We can totally go skinny dipping." Austin jumped up and cheered loudly. Erica giggled, nodding. I looked around the room. There was no way they were serious about this! Claudia smirked when she saw my face.</p><p>"Come on, Thomas, it's time to get out of your comfort zone," she said, "You'll never know what you are capable if you don't extend yourself. How many times did the teachers tell me that?" I shook my head. How many times had I pushed myself this past year? I think I was out of my comfort zone every time Cary and I fought. I think I was completely out of my zone this past week. I felt naked enough without having any contact with Cary. Skinny dipping was just too far out there.</p><p>"Sorry, I'm not into it," I said, standing up, "But don't let me rain on your parade. I'll see you around." I high-tailed it out of the room before anyone could say anything else. I ran down the stairs, wondering if I could just run home. I felt so humiliated. I couldn't say why exactly, but maybe it was because the way that Claudia, Erica and Austin had looked at me. As if I was so childish.</p><p>"Kristy! Wait up!" Alan called from behind me. He jogged to catch up. I stopped.</p><p>"What?" I snapped.</p><p>"I don't want you to walk away upset," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets, "It's just what they do."</p><p>"Won't you join them?" I asked. He smiled at me, realizing that I caught him.</p><p>"Yeah, maybe. Depends how I feel when I get out there," he shrugged, "It's no big deal to me," he paused, "Anyway, I also didn't want you to leave quite yet. If you wanted to do something else, I'm game," he smiled at me, "Or if you just wanted to go somewhere and I can be your rebound." I rolled my eyes.</p><p>"I don't want you to be my rebound!" I cried. How could he even suggest that? This night was turning into such a nightmare. I wanted nothing more than call Cary and hang out with him.</p><p>"It's okay," he shrugged, the smile not quite reaching his eyes, "I mean, I'm used to it. I'm everyone's rebound."</p><p>"It doesn't make it right," I sighed, blowing out my anger, "You deserve better than that. You deserved better than being used by any girl who just wants to hook up. You deserve a girl who loves you."</p><p>"I had a girl who loved me. We broke up," he said, his smile completely gone, "This is the best I can do. You're a pretty girl, Kristy. I would love to get closer to you but you are still hung up on Cary. I can wait." I felt speechless. There were so many messages in that sentence. He had just confessed he was still in love with Claudia, he had an interest in me and that he was almost a prostitute. I had no idea how to answer.</p><p>"I'm going home, Alan," I said, "I think you deserve better than what you have resigned yourself to." I walked away. Alan didn't follow me or say anything.</p><p>I took the bus home and went straight to my room. I called Cary's cell phone again. It was still unavailable. I wondered if his stepfather had disconnected his service. I felt so overwhelmed. I knew I was burying my emotions and feelings when it came to me and Cary. It was just easier to continue as if nothing had happened then to face up to the reality of the situation. I didn't want to deal with the hurt I was feeling.</p><p>Then there was the stuff with Stacey and Mary Anne. Maybe it shouldn't bother me but I wondered if Stacey was using Mary Anne. I didn't like the cool interaction they had at school. I wondered how warm they would be getting tonight. I hoped Mary Anne could take the heart break when Stacey found someone else. I hated thinking like that but I couldn't imagine Stacey, the Stacey I had heard about, being interested in a single person for long. There was that weird stuff with Claudia and Alan. I didn't want to think anymore. My thoughts circled in my head, like a hawk over prey. I wanted to be a girl of action again. I wanted to feel like myself again.</p><p>Saturday almost felt normal. It felt like a regular pre- dating Cary Saturday. I ended up babysitting Emily Michelle and Andrew in the morning. Karen went out with her friends to the mall to do some "serious" shopping. David Michael went out with his friends to play softball. David Michael often talks about starting Kristy's Krushers again. I think he misses playing with a team. In the afternoon, I spent several hours catching up on my homework. By late afternoon, I felt good about myself. I felt that I had a handle on my glasses and while I knew I wasn't going to pass with honours, I would at least understand the stuff. I even debated with myself about trying to start some essays to see if I could be admitted late to Stoneybrook University. I was smiling and laughing during dinner. I didn't allow myself to think about Cary all day. I made on more phone call when I first got up and then put it out of my mind.</p><p>By the time I went to Mary Anne's, I was in a great mood. I couldn't explain why, but I just was. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so positive. Mary Anne answered the door, with her cat, Tigger, in her arms. Mary Anne was dressed in pink sweatpants and white baby tee that showed her midriff. I raised my eyebrow at her.</p><p>"What does your dad say about that outfit?" I asked. Mary Anne blushed and dropped Tigger on the floor. Tigger jumped to his feet and rubbed against my legs.</p><p>"He doesn't care," she said, leading me to her room, where the TV was set up for movie viewing, "He doesn't like it but as long as I don't wear it in public, or where there will be boys." She smiled at me.</p><p>"Not going to tell him about you and Stacey?" I asked, flopping down on her bed. She rolled her eyes.</p><p>"I'd imagine Sharon would be okay with it but dad? Never," she replied, "Besides I'm not really to deal with it yet. The backlash I mean." She grabbed a couple of movies and handed them too me. All were dramatic mushy types. I guess I should have known better than to expect Batman Begins or a James Bond film.</p><p>"How was it at Claudia's last night?" Mary Anne asked. I shrugged.</p><p>"Claudia has really changed. I don't even know how to explain it," I answered, "Who is all going to be here and witness the flatness of Mary Anne belly?" She smacked me, laughing. Was it just me or did Mary Anne seem more easy going? I wondered if she was finally growing up or maybe it was the love effects of Stacey McGill?</p><p>"Stacey, of course. She's going to come over with Mallory. Apparently Jessi is back this weekend too from New York, so Mal was going to see if she wanted to come. It's like a mini- BSC party. You should have invited Shannon over." I shook my head. Shannon, who never acted like one of the major snobs on my street, had started acting like one in high school. She even told me once she didn't want to be seen hanging out with white trash who got lucky by marriage. She called my mother a gold digger. Needless to say, I was not in any hurry to talk to her again.</p><p>The doorbell rang and Mary Anne jumped to her feet. Her face lit up with excitement and she ran out of the bedroom. I laughed as she ran down the stairs to greet her girlfriend. I wondered if they would show relationship type affection around Mallory. I realized I hadn't seen Mallory for several years. She started attending a liberal arts boarding school when she was in sixth grade. She was now in tenth grade and still attending there. I wondered how much she changed.</p><p>Mary Anne remerged first, followed by Stacey, who was wearing a short white shirt that flared out when she walked and a pink spaghetti strapped shirt. Clearly the pair of them was dressed to drive each other wild. Mallory followed. It was cruel to say, but for as long as I have known her, I believed she would grow into her looks. She always was just a little too plump and looking just a little too much like the horses she loved so much. It seemed finally she grew into her looks. She wore her hair longer than shoulder length, and it seemed to weigh down her curls into a nice wave. She finally got contacts and her braces removed. She thinned out and grew tall. Her freckles sprinkled across her face, no longer in brown clumps. She accented her looks with makeup. She was actually pretty now.</p><p>"What lame movies are we watching?" she asked. Stacey grabbed a couple from her bag.</p><p>"Brokeback Mountain," she announced, "Nothing is better than male eye candy!" I stole a glance at Mary Anne, wondering how she would react. She smiled and nodded. The thought crossed my mind that they were both bisexual. I was surprised I hadn't thought of it before. Well, as long as Mary Anne was happy, I supposed. It felt so weird still, to think that lovey dovey Mary Anne was into girls.</p><p>Stacey leaned over, showing her bum towards Mary Anne and put the DVD in. I looked away, feeling uncomfortable. For the first time all day, my thoughts drifted towards Cary. I don't think we ever made it through a movie. We would start off, cuddling on his couch, his arms wrapped around me and within ten minutes we would be kissing, our hands roaming. I can't remember how many times we put in The Day After Tomorrow with the intention to watch it and not get through it. I wondered if Mary Anne and Stacey were a couple like that. I couldn't imagine Mary Anne being like that. Stacey, I could if I could believe the rumours but sweet Mary Anne? Never.</p><p>We watched the beginning of the movie in silence. I felt my mind wonder. I couldn't get into the movie. I tapped Mallory on the shoulder.</p><p>"How's Riverbend?" I asked, quietly. Before she could answer the phone rang. Mary Anne glanced at the phone.</p><p>"That's a long distance ring," Mary Anne said, "I wonder if it's about Dawn." Stacey touched Mary Anne's wrist.</p><p>"What's going on?" Mallory asked. Mary Anne frowned. I could tell she was trying not to cry.</p><p>"Dawn is having problems in California. Mr. Schafer has been calling every night. Sharon won't tell me what's going on but it's something big," Mary Anne stole a glance at Stacey, "I called Dawn last night and spoke with her. She was so cold and angry sounding. She wouldn't tell me what was going on but she did tell me that she was expelled from school," the movie was forgotten, "I'm really worried about her. I tried to get Sharon to tell me what was happening but she just wouldn't. She told me not to worry, that she'll tell me when she knows more," Tears ran down her face now, "I know Dawn doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. She has all but said it. She has actually said it to Sunny-"</p><p>"Why not call Sunny?" I interrupted, "I'm sure she knows what's going on." Mary Anne shook her head.</p><p>"I called her after I spoke with Dawn last night. Sunny has no idea. She doesn't go to the same school as Dawn anymore and she definitely doesn't have the same friends as Dawn. Dawn doesn't talk to Ducky or Maggie anymore," Mary Anne said, "I guess I'll just need to be patient." As soon as she finished her sentence, Sharon burst into the bedroom. I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, Stacey moved away from Mary Anne.</p><p>"Richard and I have to go to the airport. Jack just called," Sharon paused and looked at us, as if she just realized she had guests in the house, "Dawn took a flight to Connecticut. We need to meet her at the airport. I hate to break up your party but I think it's best if everyone went home." We nodded and said we understood. Mallory and I began to pack up our things. I noticed Stacey lingering. She seemed to want a few minutes alone with her girlfriend. I hesitated, also wanting a second alone with Mary Anne but figured that Stacey would win out. I hated the feeling of second place that I felt. I pushed it aside, knowing that is what I did to Mary Anne for months. Mallory headed downstairs.</p><p>"Call me tomorrow, Mary Anne?" I asked. She nodded. I headed downstairs, knowing that her first phone call wouldn't be to me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wasn't surprised when Mary Anne didn't call the next day. I stayed home just in case she did, not that I had anywhere else to go. I was only a little surprised when Mary Anne didn't show up to drive me to school on Monday. I would have figured she would have at least called to tell me that she wasn't coming. Watson had to race me to school, so I would have time to go to my locker before first period. I flew out of the car, hoping that I would be able to corner Stacey and ask her what was going on. I ran to her locker but she wasn't there. I glanced at my watch. I didn't have time to search the school for her. I hoped I would be able to pull her away from her friends at lunch to talk to me. Maybe Mary Anne was also running late and she would be there by lunch and I could ask her myself. Either way, I hoped whatever was going on at the Spier house, everything was okay.</p><p>I found myself worried about Dawn. Dawn and I were never very close. I would have never admitted it to anyone but I was often jealous of Dawn and, in some ways, I wanted to be like her. She was Mary Anne's best friend and she seemed to connect with Mary Anne in ways that I never could. Then she was Mary Anne's stepsister, and I knew she would have a level of closeness with my best friend that I would never have. Dawn was a good babysitter and related well with the kids. She was headstrong and stubborn, like I was, but people seemed more respective to her. I couldn't imagine anyone calling her a bitch behind her back. Plus, despite the fact her father lived across the country from her, her father was very much involved in her life. My father wanted nothing to do with me. Dawn seemed to have everything that I wanted. I wondered what happened to make Dawn Schafer change so much.</p><p>I opened my locker and found a red rose with a letter attached to it. I shook my head, immediately breaking free from my tangled thoughts of the Spier/ Schafer dilemma.</p><p>Dearest Kristy,</p><p>I am so sorry I haven't been there for you, with you during this past week. Needless to say it's been hell for me. My parents threw me out. I guess your mother called them and told them about the mishap on that fateful Friday night. Even writing those words seem to weaken what happened. I wish, with all my soul, I could take back what happened. I would do anything to make it up to you. I told my parents just that but they didn't believe me. My mother called me a monster and said she didn't want me in the house, influencing Benson and Steig. I was given a few minutes to pack up a few things and get out of their house.</p><p>It took me some time to gather my bearings and find a place to stay. Luckily an old friend is willing to let me crash on his couch. I spent the remainder of the week looking for work. I'm going to stay with my friend for a while, until I have enough money to put a first and last on an apartment.</p><p>Right now I'm without a phone and internet access is sketchy at best but I'm going to do what I can to communicate with you. I hope you don't mind if I leave you little notes in your locker. I will keep you posted with what's going on. Maybe soon we can meet up and really talk. I miss you.</p><p>During these past nights, the only thing that has kept me going is knowing that you love me. I want nothing more than to curl up on my new "bed" with my arms wrapped around you. I know it's impossible right now. Hell, like I always used to say "complications make life interesting." I know that life is going to be "interesting" for the next while but I know I can do this. For you, I can do this.</p><p>I am doubting leaving this in your locker now. I know we promised each other space. How many times do we have to admit that I have hurt you and we need to heal before I get it? We need to make peace within ourselves before I believe we can be that couple that we are meant to be. That couple, I know, we can be. I just couldn't leave you alone. I miss you so much. I know this past week I have been distracted by what's going on at home and getting a job to support myself, but I will keep my promise. I will enrol myself in some programs to become a better man, to become the man you deserve. I cannot lose you, my Kristy. I would do anything to keep you in my life. I don't expect you to return this letter or anything. I'll understand if you don't. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and miss you. I have your picture next to my bed and it gives me strength.</p><p>For however long this takes, I'll wait for you. I'll give you all the time you need. You are precious to me and I never want to hurt you again. My beautiful Kristy, I love you.</p><p>-Cary</p><p>The warning bell and the first period bell had rung. I re-read the letter. My eyes blurred with tears. He was alive. He was fine. Sort of. I wondered what old friend he was staying with. I remember him complaining about a lot of his friends when we were dating. Finally, he cut off all ties with them, saying he couldn't deal with their childish ways anymore. I didn't think he had any friends he could lean on.</p><p>"Ms. Thomas, is there any reason why you aren't in class?" I jumped. Mr. Browning, the assistant vice principal, stood behind me, frowning. I shoved the letter in my bag and slammed my locker shut.</p><p>"Sorry, sir," I mumbled, "Lost track of time," I hurried down the hall, towards my first period class. As soon as I was out of view of Mr. Browning, I pulled out the letter again and traced my finger over Cary's writing. I wondered if I should write him back. I didn't even know what to say. I was just so glad to know he was alive and safe. I wondered if he would leave me another note tomorrow. I wished I could call him, just to hear his voice. I put the letter carefully in one of my notebooks. I had to go to class but I knew I would be distracted by the letter for the rest of the day.</p><p>All week Cary would leave little notes in my locker. I never saw him around the school but in some way, I found it comforting to have those little touches every morning. One day he left me a white rose and another day was a bag of Heresy Kisses. He left me notes, letting me know how he was progressing. He told me he got a job, where he was making 13.00 per hour. He thought he would have enough money for an apartment shortly. Cary also said that he tried to get into a couple of programs for anger management but they weren't accepting any new clients, unless it was court ordered. He said he was still looking into it, that he wasn't going to give up so easily. I believed him. I never wrote him back, unsure what to say to him. I hoped he knew he was in my thoughts as much as I was in his.</p><p>It wasn't until after school on Thursday was I able to catch up with Stacey. Mary Anne hadn't shown up at school on all week. I would call her house but I didn't get an answer. I was getting really worried.</p><p>"Stace!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, as I saw her leave the school with her crowd of wannabes. She stopped and looked back, looking annoyed. I gave her a huge wave. Her crowd around her snickered, but I hoped she would know exactly what I was doing. I waited for her as she made some sort of remark to her friends and come over to me.</p><p>"What do you want?" she snapped.</p><p>"I want to know what is going on with Mary Anne," I replied, "I figured since I couldn't get a hold of you any other way; a big public scene would do the trick."</p><p>"That's just like you to act without thinking," she glared at me, "Don't you think there is a reason why I'm avoiding you? Like maybe this isn't something we should be talking about at school?" I shrugged.</p><p>"I want to know if my best friend is okay," I said, trying to stand my ground. She shook her head.</p><p>"Not here. I'll come over to your place after school," she gave me another glare for good measure and walked away. I ran for my bus, hating Stacey at that moment. How could Mary Anne put up with this? Would it be really so terrible for her to acknowledge their friendship? What would be the worse that would happen?</p><p>I waited a couple of hours for Stacey to show up. When she did, she looked like a completely different person. Her face wasn't hardened into a permanent sneer, there wasn't that air of superiority around her and she was dressed in black yoga pants and a white t-shirt, instead of an outfit designed to make guys look twice at her. She didn't look like the major snob she was at school. We went up into my room.</p><p>"So?" I asked, still annoyed at her. Stacey's tone was softer than she used at school. She seemed like a completely different person.</p><p>"Mary Anne is in total hide mode right now. Dawn came back and refused to talk to anyone. Apparently she wasn't expecting Sharon and Richard to be at the airport. I have no idea what she thought would happen. Sharon wants to enrol her in Stoneybrook High and try to get her life back to normal. Dawn was practically failing out of Vista so she's going to need to make up all her senior year classes," Stacey paused, "Mary Anne is really upset. She didn't think if Dawn came back that it would be like it used to be, but she thought at least Dawn would talk to her about what was going on. Dawn is not the person we remember her to be."</p><p>"Why isn't she coming to school?" I asked. Stacey shrugged.</p><p>"I think it's too much pressure right now. I offered to go over last night but she refused. Mary Anne doesn't want to see anyone right now and probably won't until there is some rest in her house."</p><p>"Or maybe she doesn't want to see someone who is only there for her when she's not seen with other people," I said, the words flying out of my mouth before I could stop them. Stacey arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me.</p><p>"You should really be the last one to talk about that, Kristy," she replied, "You ignore your best friend as long as Cary is around and as soon as he disappears, you act like everything is golden again. I don't think you have any idea how hurt she is by you and we both know she's not going to say anything." As much as I didn't want to admit it, I knew she was right.</p><p>"I'm not saying I'm perfect but Mary Anne could use a friend now. If you are going to continue to be her girlfriend, you really need to start acting like her friend. She sits with you at lunch every day and you act like she's invisible. She doesn't say but anyone with eyes can see she's hurting!" Stacey and I both stood up, glaring at each other.</p><p>"Kristen, you have no idea what you are talking about. You have no idea what Mary Anne and I went through to get to the point we are. Don't act as if you know what it's like to live this lie! I am in love Mary Anne and it kills me not to tell the world how I feel!" I rolled my eyes.</p><p>"Act like her friend!" I cried.</p><p>"I'm not listening to this anymore," Stacey said, "You ought to take your own advice," then Stacey McGill stormed out of my bedroom. I remained motionless for several moments afterwards, our argument replaying in my head. I knew I should chase after Stacey and apologize. She was right, in a way. I didn't understand their relationship at all. I was not there to see it grow and turn into what it was now. I was too wrapped up in my own life. I also knew I could do more than make a few phone calls to Mary Anne.</p><p>I waited until after dinner to go over. I wondered if Stacey had called Mary Anne and told her what happened. For some reason I doubted it. I wasn't going to tell Mary Anne about our fight. With everything that was going on, she really didn't need to know. I was sure that the next time that Stacey and I saw in each other, in private company, that is, we would be civil to each other. I would be at least, despite the fact I lost respect for her.</p><p>I thought about our argument on the entire bus ride. "You have no idea what Mary Anne and I went through to get to the point we are," circled through my head a million times. What did they go through to become the supposed couple they were now? Mary Anne said they were paired up in a project a year ago but only started dating last month. Was it simple flirting between the two of them or did something more happen?</p><p>"I am in love Mary Anne and it kills me not to tell the world how I feel!" was another phrase that circled my mind endlessly. Stacey McGill said she was in love and I knew she didn't mean "in luv." I wanted to ask Mary Anne more about her relationship but I knew now wasn't the time.</p><p>I pushed out all thoughts of the Mary Anne/ Stacey dilemma by the time I walked up Mary Anne's driveway. I needed to solely focus on her needs right now. I peeked to see if her SUV was there and then knocked on the door. At first I heard nothing inside, no movement, no voices, not anything. I knocked again and the door flew open.</p><p>"Kristy!" Dawn squealed and pulled me into a huge hug. I stepped back and got a good look at her. She had grown tall, about 5'7", her white blonde hair was still extremely long, down to her waist, and her blue eyes sparkled at me. She looked liked the same Dawn Schafer that left in grade eight. The only difference I could see was that she was like a stick figure. She was thin, her bones prominent, but I wondered if that was more due to the fact she only ate organic food and no meat or sweets whatsoever. She hardly looked like a girl with a seriously wild past.</p><p>"Hey," I said, smiling at her, "So you are back to stay?" Dawn stepped out on the front porch and shut the door behind her.</p><p>"Seems like," she shrugged, "I'd invite you in but Mary Anne, which by the way, it's totally time to shorten that name, what a mouthful!, is in an extremely bitchy mood. She keeps acting as if I'm invading her life and inconveniencing her! I knew I should have flown into New York," she shrugged again, "But I imagine you are here to see Mary Anne and not catch up with me."</p><p>"Honestly, yeah. She hasn't been at school all week and I'm worried but I want to hear what's going on with you. I heard some stories and I can hardly believe that you would be doing down such a path!" Dawn laughed.</p><p>"Yeah, Sunny used to say the same thing. She would be holding little Alexandra in her arms and lecturing me, telling me if I didn't clean up my act I would be an unwed teenaged mother like her," the sparkle seemed to fade from Dawn's eyes. She suddenly seemed hollow and empty, "But it's an escape, that style of life is. I am so tired of being Dawn Schafer that I wanted to try someone else on for a time. This is high school, for Pete's sake! I'm hardly going to ruin my chances if I take some time to have some fun," Dawn looked at me critically for a minute, "I think you understand. You seem to have shaken that uptight uniform that you always wore. I can tell you have changed since I last saw you. You understand what it is to want to escape, don't you?" I nodded, not completely understanding at all. What would Dawn want to escape? I always thought her life was great. She had a new family, with new siblings now, she had great friends, and she would to an amazing private school. What could be so terrible that she needed to escape?</p><p>The front door flew open again and Mary Anne stood there, looking pissed.</p><p>"Dawn, when people come to see other people, it's the polite thing to let them know," she snapped and grabbed my wrist. With un-Mary Anne like strength, she pulled me into the house.</p><p>"I'll catch you later, Kristy!" Dawn called and Mary Anne shut the door. We didn't speak until we were in her bedroom, with the door slammed shut.</p><p>"I can't believe her!" Mary Anne cried, tears springing to her eyes, "She comes in and acts like nothing has changed. The first night she flops herself down on my bed and asks if I'm still dating- and I quote- 'that moron Logan Bruno.' Then she tries to tell me that I need to loosen up, that I could be a- another direct quote- 'total man magnet' if I just wore more revealing clothing and acted a little more open. She told me I was such a stick in the mud and I'd probably never get laid! I was totally blown away, Kristy. I hadn't talked to her in years and she comes to my house, in my room and makes judgments about me!" Mary Anne was pacing around the room.</p><p>"I'm sure she gave you that same line about 'wanting to escape' that she gave dad and Sharon. What's worse, Sharon totally bought it! She was totally sympathizing about how 'hard' high school was, how 'difficult' it was to connect to a new family, and of course, the new baby, how 'hard' it was to realize that your friends are going in places that you don't want to follow. She totally bought the peer pressure line! I could tell dad wasn't buying it but he wasn't getting involved. Well, he did when he thought it would be best for Dawn and I take a week off to 'adjust' to the 'new circumstances' and then I'd be ready to show Dawn around SHS!" Mary Anne's hands kept shooting up, making air quotes, "They need to throw Dawn back on a plane to California and make her father deal with it! He's getting the easy part. 'Here, take care of my psycho daughter and I'll just resume sending you child support.' He helped create this monster; he needs to deal with her!" Mary Anne sat next to me on the bed, tears streaming down her face.</p><p>"Damn it, Kristy! It's not like life is complicated enough! This is my senior year! I can't be distracted by her right now!" I put my arms around Mary Anne and didn't say anything. What could I say to cheer her up? I just sat with her, hoping that was comforting enough.</p><p>Mary Anne told me that she wouldn't be in school on Friday but she, along with Dawn, would be there on Monday. She promised she'd pick me up Monday morning. Stacey and I avoided each other on Friday, not that it was that hard. We didn't have any classes together and it wasn't like we were friends.</p><p>I wondered why Dawn would be attending school with Mary Anne, especially since school was finished in a week. I wondered if Dawn was just coming to keep her out of the house and out of trouble. Personally, I couldn't wait until the year was over. The next week would only be a waste of time, since most of my classes had already finished the course material. Then we would have a week of exams, and our graduation ceremony. I made a mental note to start studying for exams. A part of me knew, despite my old habits, I wouldn't study very hard. I just didn't have it in me to care right then.</p><p>My life was wide open now, I realised. I didn't have to attend school anymore. I didn't have a job to go to. I still lived with my parents, so it wasn't like I had any bills. I needed to decide to do something with my life. I was still debating about trying to apply late for school, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go directly to university. The whole reason why I didn't apply because I wanted to take a year off from school. Cary and I talked about maybe travelling to Europe and backpacking across it, visiting France, Spain and a bunch of other countries. We wanted to get life experience before entering the adult world. Now I knew that wasn't going to happen. Cary only communicated by letters. I had no idea where we stood right now. I didn't know if we were ever going to stand again. I had finally admitted to myself that I was going to ever date Cary again, which, in a way, almost relieved me. I was never going to have to worry about his moods, about ticking him off, about saying or doing the wrong thing. I could relax and just be me, without worrying if that wasn't good enough. Yet, when I thought about our relationship in that way, I didn't completely agree with those emotions. I always felt extremely mixed up when thinking about Cary. He was violent and angry. He would hurt me. He made me cry. He made me want to give up on life. Yet he was caring. He was warm. He was considerate. We had fun together and often I felt like where I was was where I was suppose to be. I felt like life was perfect with him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I was happy. I wasn't happy now. I was confused.</p><p>After school on Friday, Alan approached. We had not spoken since the week before. I figured my brief friendship with him had ended.</p><p>"Hey Thomas," he said, sliding up to me at my locker.</p><p>"Hey, Gray," I answered, pretending to play it cool.</p><p>"I heard Schafer is in town again," he smiled at me, "I had such a big crush in her during the summer between grade seven and eight, when you guys ran that Camp BSC thing."</p><p>"So?" I responded.</p><p>"Anyway, Dawn called Claud out of the blue and a bunch of us are going out tonight. I wanted to know if you wanted to come with," he touched my shoulder, "I promise there will be no skinny dipping. Actually, my parents are away for the weekend, so we are all going to my place. Bentley is bringing over the drinks, Claudia is bringing over the sweets and we are just going to have some good old fashion fun. I want you to come."</p><p>"I told you last week I wasn't into that stuff," I answered. Alan bit his lip.</p><p>"There has been a reason why I have been avoiding you this week and it's not because you turned into a bitch last weekend," he said, "Cary is staying with me. He's going to be there this weekend. He keeps talking about you, he misses you and wants a chance to make things right." My stomach dropped.</p><p>"Did he tell you what happened between us?" I asked, my voice shaking. Alan shook his head.</p><p>"Cary and I have a lot to do in order to repair our friendship so we aren't quite at the stage to talk about why you two broke up. Nor are we at the stage where I tell him you kissed me the night after you broke up with him," Alan said, "But he seems sincere. Plus you aren't going to be alone with him. If it become too intense, you can always ignore him and help us pry Dawn for details why she had sent back to Stoneyhell with a 'return to sender' sticker." I hesitated for a moment. Why not? It's not like I had other plans that weekend.</p><p>"Can you pick me up in an hour or so?" I asked, "I need to get some clothes and stuff."</p><p>"Why don't I just drive you there now?" he asked, "The others already met sooner and are probably already there. Much to Cary's chagrin," he smiled wickedly, "They are just waiting for me to get out of school."</p><p>"Sounds good," I said. I hoped no one would be home when I got there. I figured I would just scribble them a note that I was staying over at Claudia's this weekend. If mom or Watson was there when Alan was there, it may be harder to convince them to let me go.</p><p>We drove to McLelland Road and, luckily, no one, not even Nanny, was home. I debated about leaving Alan in the kitchen while I packed but figured that it was safer in my bedroom. I dumped the contents of my backpack and hastily began to shove my belongings inside. I wanted to change into something nicer before going over. Alan walked around my room.</p><p>"I never pictured Kristy Thomas living like this," he said, circling around it again. I threw open the door to the closet.</p><p>"Like what?" I asked, pulling out a white tennis skirt, debating if that would be a good choice. I didn't want to look too inviting, to whore-ish but I wanted to look good for Cary. I put the skirt back. Maybe a long jean skirt would be better? I decided not. I would look too "California Casual."</p><p>"I heard your stepdad is a millionaire but for you to live in a huge house, with a huge room…" his voice trailed off, "I just remember you as the girl whose dad left, you know? I remember weeks after I found out your dad bailed I was so scared that my dad would leave too." I turned around to him and stared at him.</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"I know it was ridiculous, but a child's mind works in weird ways," he sat down on my bed, clearly not wanting to say more. I turned back to my closet, grabbing the white tennis skirt again. I grabbed a matching top and ducked into the bathroom. I quickly changed. My dad left when I was six. It's been over ten years since he disappeared and I had gotten used to the life without him. I knew my classmates heard about it. Of course they did, it was huge gossip among the parents. I never stopped and thought about how my classmates would react. At that time, I didn't know any other kids whose parents up and left, without explanation. Most kids still lived with both of their biological parents. Only Mary Anne was the other kid who was a part of a single parent family and that was only because her mother died.</p><p>I brushed my hair, deciding to keep it down and grabbed my toothbrush. I hurried back into my bedroom and threw the last of my things in my bag.</p><p>"I'm ready to go," I announced. Alan looked at my outfit and smiled.</p><p>"You look good, Thomas," he said, "I know Cary will appreciate it."</p><p>We drove in silence to his house. My stomach was twisted up in knots. I wondered what was going to happen. As Alan pulled up in the driveway, Cary was sitting outside.</p><p>"Damn it, Alan!" he cried. He jumped to his feet before Alan could even turn off the car, "You invited those nitwits over? Austin is already drunk and he 'confessed' to me that he wants to get into Dawn's pants! I don't really need to hear that!" I opened the door and stepped out. Cary had just opened his mouth to continue his rant but stopped when he saw me. He ran over and pulled me close. Alan laughed.</p><p>"See Retlin? I knew this would make it up for a weekend of my friends," he grabbed my bag, "I'll bring this into the house for you, Thomas," then he left us alone. Cary cupped his hands around my face, staring into my eyes.</p><p>"I can't believe you are here," he whispered, "I've missed you so much. Did you get those notes?" I nodded, my voice trapped in my throat.</p><p>"You look so amazing, Kristy," he pulled me close, burying his face into my neck. I held him tight. He looked the same as he always did. He needed to shave. He wore Alan's clothing, which hung a little too big on him but I couldn't nitpick. The knots in my stomach dissolved and I felt myself relax in his arms. I missed him so much.</p><p>"Cary," I whispered, "I was so worried about you." He stepped back and kissed me.</p><p>"I'm fine," he said, "Well, dealing." He took my hand. We went into the house and went directly to the basement. The basement was only half done but the part was unfinished had been converted into a bedroom. Cary sat down on the couch and pulled me into his lap.</p><p>"This is your new digs?" I asked. He shrugged.</p><p>"For now. I should have enough money soon to repay the Grays back for their help and get an apartment," he kissed me gently, "I always thought my first apartment would be for us. I imagined us looking for a nice one bedroom somewhere after graduation. I hate that things changed so much. I hate that I'm such a failure." I cupped his face. He looked so upset. He needed to stop beating himself up.</p><p>"I overreacted," I said to him. My stomach twisted as I said those words. A part of me knew I was lying to myself but I didn't care, "I should have never accused you of rape. It wasn't that at all." I turned around, still sitting on his lap, so I could face him. He placed his arms on thighs. I leaned forward and kissed him.</p><p>"Don't say that," he whispered, kissing me back, "We can't deny that I went too far. I should never have done that. I love you and I should respect your wishes." I thought about the money I had saved in my account. I had enough for first and last. I could get a job, I thought. I could still take that year off before school. Not everything could be lost.</p><p>"I miss you," I told him, "We can heal together, can't we?" His hand slid up my thighs, under my skirt. We kissed.</p><p>"Forgive me, Kristy? For everything I have done? Can we pretend it never happened and start over?" he kissed me. I nodded, my own hands travelling under his shirt, taking it off.</p><p>"I love you, Kristen Amanda Thomas," he whispered, as he tugged down my panties and tossed them carelessly on the ground. I unzipped his pants and we changed our positions on the couch.</p><p>"I love you, Cary Retlin," I whispered, as he pulled off my shirt. Soon we were both naked, kissing passionately. We were touching each other, little moans of pleasure escaping from our lips. I wanted him so badly and I could tell he wanted me. He kissed me, his body over mine.</p><p>"Can I erase our memory of the last time we did it and replace it with something positive?" he asked, "Are you okay with that?" I nodded, pulling him closer, kissing him. He entered me and within moments we were rocking to each other rhythms. I knew if Mary Anne or any one in my family knew where I was that evening, or what I was doing, they would be largely disappointed with me. They didn't understand. With each thrust and moan, I knew I was where I was supposed to be. I knew Cary was the one for me. We were soul mates. I never believed in true love or soul mates before, but every time I was with Cary, I knew this was meant to be. Despite whatever had happened previously, we would over come it and be better, stronger for it.</p><p>I had an amazing time that weekend. Cary and I stayed in the basement for the reminder of Friday night. We didn't want to share each other with others just yet. We just talked about almost everything. There seemed to be an unspoken pact not to mention that fateful Friday night. On Saturday, Alan woke up early and made us all pancakes. Claudia kept sending me "knowing" smiles. Cary seemed to be a calming force on the group. Whenever anyone would make a suggestion that was too wild, he would shot it down and they would listen to him. We spent Saturday night drinking and laughing. Cary gave me a mixed drink. Unlike when Alan offered me a drink, I didn't feel hesitate. I felt confide and secure with Cary. I even got a little tipsy that night and I didn't mind. Everything seemed perfect.</p><p>It was like a totally different experience hanging out with Claudia and Dawn than it was hanging out with Mary Anne. Mary Anne only wanted to do certain things and she had these boundaries about things she would talk about. One time I asked her how far she got with Logan. She blushed and said it was private. Dawn had no problem talking to us about how far she had gone and what was the grossest thing she had done, which was a threesome with another girl. Claudia squealed with disgust, exclaiming loudly she would never do that, no matter how drunk she got.</p><p>By the time Sunday rolled around, I was beginning to feel depressed. I didn't want the weekend to end. Alan needed all of us to leave by noon. Claudia and Dawn made plans to go to the mall to find Dawn the perfect first day of school outfit. Erica and Austin decided to go back to her place. I wanted to stay with Cary but Alan's parents didn't really want anyone to know he was staying there for some reason. I wondered how much Alan knew about the reason why Cary was kicked out, despite his claims of not knowing anything. Yet with fair well kiss I received from Cary promised me this weekend wasn't a one time deal.</p><p>The next two weeks went by extremely slowly. Cary and I snuck quick calls after school and before bed. He would always call my cell phone. It was the only way to prevent my parents from finding out. The moments between seeing him or phone calls seemed to last forever. I did want I could to keep my mind off of it. I passed all my courses with a sixty average. Graduation would be in a few days. When I wasn't in school, I hung out with Dawn. Mary Anne had found out on Sunday that I wasn't going to treat Dawn as the enemy and stopped talking to me. I tried to tell her I didn't see the point in shutting Dawn out if she needed help but she wouldn't listen to me. I felt bad about ending that friendship as soon as we repaired it yet there wasn't anything I could do. Besides, she had Stacey to lean on. Or at least she had Stacey when it was socially acceptable for them to be together.</p><p>I told my parents about my plans for after graduation, that I wanted to get a job and live on my own for a while. I didn't mention the part about possibly having Cary live with me. Mom and Watson weren't happy and told me that I was wasting my potential. I disagreed completely. I told them I needed to find myself and figure out where my path was before I spent another four years in school. I promised them that in a year I would return to school but I needed to do this. I told them that as soon as I got a job, I was going to use the savings and get an apartment. I knew they were disappointed in me but as long as I didn't expect any hand outs from them, they didn't complain. They knew that I was going to do my own thing.</p><p>Cary called me the night before graduation and said he spoke to his manager and that if I was interested there was a position where he worked. He said he would put in a good word for me and if I wanted the job, it was mine. It seemed as if everything was falling into place.</p><p>Finally graduation came and I couldn't believe how excited I was to be leaving SHS. For the most part, I enjoyed my years there. I enjoyed my classes and the friends I had made but it was time to move on. I felt it was time to enter the grown up world, no longer held by the hand of a teacher. It was time to learn what was out there for myself.</p><p>Yet as I got ready, I did feel sad. This past year seemed to have gone very wrong. Since freshmen year, Mary Anne and I had always planned to get ready for graduation together, take the big step into the world together. We had done everything together and we were supposed to be together for this. Now she wasn't even talking to me, thinking I betrayed her somehow. I debated, while I curled my hair, about calling her and setting things right but I knew it wouldn't work out. She would suggest hanging out after the ceremony and I would have to decline, saying I had plans with Dawn already. That would just make her mad all over again. There was no point.</p><p>The ceremony was long and boring. We all wore heavy black robes with the cap, which was killing my carefully done curls. When they called my name, Dawn, who was sitting with the rest of her family, screamed loudly for me. Claudia, Alan, Austin and Erica then jumped to their feet and screamed wildly. It seemed to erase all my concerns that went through my head, like worrying about Mary Anne or worrying how disappointed everyone was that I didn't graduate with honours. It didn't matter, as I smiled and accepted my diploma, I had friends.</p><p>After the ceremony, my family took pictures of me in the cap and gown. Mom cried, saying how proud she was of me. Everyone in my family approached me and told me how proud they were. As soon as pictures were over, I went to wait for the rest of my friends. Dawn came over, wearing a white sundress that showed off her dark California tan.</p><p>"This is boring," she whispered to me, "If I have to hear how proud everyone is of Mary Anne one more time, I may just throw up on her," I didn't say anything, "Aren't you suppose return that gown?" She nudged me with her elbow. I shrugged.</p><p>"I figured holding onto it for one more day wouldn't kill anyone," secretly I had plans for the gown. After the party, I had told my parents I would be sleeping over at Claudia's but in actuality, I was going home with Cary. I told him, since he didn't think it would be a good idea to come to graduation, I wanted him to see his graduate. I had planned to be naked under the robe for him. I hoped it would excite him.</p><p>Mary Anne walked over to me, completely ignoring her stepsister.</p><p>"I wanted to congratulate you, Kristy. I know it's been a hard year and you deserve this," she said, smiling at me. I wondered if this meant she wasn't furious with me anymore. Then again with Mary Anne you could never tell.</p><p>"Thank you, Mary Anne," I replied, "You must be so excited about getting in New York University. Stacey is going there too, isn't she?" Mary Anne blushed.</p><p>"Yeah, we decided to room together. We are going to the City next weekend to look for apartments," Mary Anne hesitated, "I'm sorry I got so mad at you. Did you want to come with us?" I hesitated for a moment. I had hoped to spend the next weekend looking for an apartment for myself. Old reactions also crept back. What would Cary say if I left for the weekend? Would he be upset? I wondered if he would look for a place without me. I had no idea what to look for.</p><p>"Sure," I replied, "Call me later with the details, okay?" Claudia was running over to use, with the others in tow. Claudia seemed extremely hyper for someone who watched all her classmates graduate when she didn't cross the stage. She needed to retake some courses next year before she had enough credits. Mary Anne looked hurt that I was ending the conversation so soon. Maybe she expected me to invite her. Then she smiled.</p><p>"Will do. Now I must run for my own celebrations!" then she took off. Dawn snorted.</p><p>"Yeah, like watching a movie with Sharon and Richard? Or maybe she'll go to Andi Gentile's big party and hook up with Logan again. I bet she's still pinning over him," Dawn said. I wanted to say that Mary Anne was definitely over Logan Bruno but I didn't want to explain who she probably wanted to hook up with tonight. As the bunch of us left the school, I wondered if Stacey would give her the time of day. I wondered how Stacey was going to explain to her friends why she was going to roommate with Mary Anne. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind as I climbed into Erica's van and she passed me a cooler. It was time to party.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The music was pounding when we entered Andi's house and the party was already in full swing. I shouldn't have been surprised. We swung by Erica's to change out of our fancy graduation clothing to something more party worthy. I was now wearing a black dress with black sleeves and a hem that stop several inches above my knees, with black ballet flats. Cary met us at Erica's so we could all go to the party together. We were both looking forward to having some alone time after the party. I told Cary, on the ride over to Andi's about my plans with Mary Anne for the next weekend. He didn't mind at all. I should have known everything would be okay between us. I needed to stop doubting him.</p><p>Our group quickly dispersed throughout the house. We agreed to meet on the front lawn around midnight to see if we wanted to stay longer or go home. Cary and I held hands as we walked around the house, trying to figure out the best place to be. It was nice to be a couple again. The rooms upstairs seemed to be set aside for couples and some were already full. I wanted to avoid that area. I didn't want to walk into any of those people in those rooms. The basement, just like at the party I went to with Alan, seemed to be quiet but full of people who were close to each other and didn't want any outsiders in. The kitchen was stock full of drinks. There were a couple of kegs out and the guys were surrounding it, like flies around open water.</p><p>"Chug! Chug! Chug!" the group chanted and I turned to see who the idiot was. I wasn't surprised to see that it was Austin drinking the beer like there was no tomorrow. Cary wrapped his arm around my waist and whispered in my ear, "How about when we get ready to leave, we just leave him here?" I giggled. Cary grabbed us a couple of coolers each and we continued our tour of the house. The living room was where most of the action was. The stereo seemed to keep getting louder and people were crowding in to dance. I downed one of the coolers right away and Cary matched me. He smiled at me, which sent shivers down my spine.</p><p>"Here's to our new life!" I said, opening the other bottle. I didn't take a drink yet. I knew the first one needed to settle for a few minutes. Cary took a gulp of the second bottle and kissed me, his lips tasting like the berry flavoured wine cooler. I pulled him onto the dance floor and we danced.</p><p>For the next hour or so we seemed to lose ourselves to the music. We finished our drinks quickly, which left me feeling light-headed. I knew in the past I would have minded feeling but at that moment I didn't care. I was a high school graduate. I had my whole life in front of me and what was more, I had the love of my life with me again. I felt so silly thinking like that but, as I wrapped my around him and stared into his dark eyes, I knew it was true. He loved me just as much as I loved him.</p><p>After dancing some more I was drying for a drink. I was gross, sweaty and I wanted a breather. Cary agreed and we went to the kitchen. He grabbed a couple of coolers and despite my better judgement and I drank the entire thing. I smiled at Cary, who had wisely drunken his slowly.</p><p>"I think I'm drunk," I told him. He pulled me close and studied my face. He kissed my forehead.</p><p>"Umm, yes, doctor. I do believe there is a quite a bit of alcohol in her," he said in a fake British accent, which caused me to giggle, "Come on, let's get some water in you." He kissed my forehead. I shook my head, which made the world spin a little.</p><p>"I gotta pee," I announced. I probably should have been more stubble about that, I thought afterwards. I took his hand and began to leave the kitchen.</p><p>"You want me to come with you?" I nodded.</p><p>"Can't leave a drunk girl on her own," I replied, "Besides I don't know where the bathroom is." He smiled at me and led me downstairs to the basement. There was a two piece bathroom, almost hidden in the corner. I snuck inside and did my business. As I washed my hands, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had a stupid smile on my face. My hair was everywhere, giving me this sexy wild look. I felt so care free at that moment. I felt so happy. I knew it was more than just the drinks giving me this feeling. I couldn't wait to get back to Alan's place that night.</p><p>I stepped out of the bathroom and smiled at Cary. He wasn't focused on me, however. He pointed to the couches in the basement. A girl was on top of someone, totally making out with them. Her long blonde hair covered both their faces. Whoever was underneath had his hands under the girl's skirt and was totally feeling up their ass.</p><p>"I guess you aren't the only one to drink too much tonight," he whispered in my ear. I stared at the couple, unable to shake the feeling of familiarity. That blonde hair was way too familiar and those hands, I thought, those hands are too feminine. The blonde lift her head, obviously to get some air. Her hair fell back. Stacey and Mary Anne. By this time, a crowd had gathered downstairs to see who the two lesbians were that were making out hardcore. The spell was broken between the two of them. Stacey flushed red as she jumped up. Mary Anne sat up slowly. She seemed to be in daze. Her short brown hair was messed up and there were smudges of Stacey's lipstick on her face.</p><p>"It's not what it looks like," Stacey whispered, her voice disappearing in the pounding of the loud music. A couple of guys whistled loudly. Mary Anne smiled at her girlfriend and took her hand.</p><p>"What's wrong, baby?" she asked, her words slurred. How could she not notice the crowd around her? I ran over to them. Stacey smoothed her skirt down and looked at me. She giggled loudly.</p><p>"I am so fucking wasted!" she said, "I totally thought that was Rick Chow! My bad!" She laughed loudly. Mary Anne looked confused. I touched her arm but she shook me off.</p><p>"Stacey, it's time to stop lying," Mary Anne said slowly. She didn't sound so drunk anymore. She looked at the onlookers, "I think it's time to tell everyone the truth. Or we are through." I looked at Cary. Our eyes met. I knew I should go over and join him. I knew I should try to get everyone to leave Stacey and Mary Anne alone but I didn't move. Stacey turned to Mary Anne, her eyes wide.</p><p>"Mary Anne?" she whispered. Mary Anne crossed her arms in front of her chest. She didn't seem to care that her clothes were wrinkled. She didn't seem to care about the crowd staring at them. She had a point to make.</p><p>"I'm tired of being your invisible girlfriend. I'm tired of watching you flirt with the other guys just to make sure no one knows your secret. Either to tell them the truth or we are over," she narrowed her eyes. Stacey shook her head.</p><p>"I… I can't," she whispered, "You know I can't," she turned to look at the group, who have gone quiet. She spoke up, "Mary Anne you are clearly delusional! I would almost think you planned this! Making me think you are someone else. Sorry, sweetie," she paused to flip her hair, "I don't swing that way." She walked away and went up to a random boy in the crowd, "Come on, help me wipe away all the girl germs." She kissed him and led him up the stairs. The group stared at Mary Anne to see what she would do but when she didn't say anything, they quickly left. Only Cary and I stayed behind. Mary Anne wiped her cheeks, quickly blinking away tears.</p><p>"She's just afraid, you know," Mary Anne said, "She doesn't want to get hurt. She doesn't want me to get hurt. She'll come around."</p><p>"You are already hurt!" I cried. Mary Anne looked at me and shrugged.</p><p>"I know she doesn't mean it. I know she won't go far with that boy. I know what she actually meant and how she feels," Mary Anne said, "Once we are in New York, things will be different," she smiled at me. I could see how sad she was. It nearly broke my heart, "I'll see you later, Kristy," then she ran upstairs. I watched her go, feeling helpless. Cary came over to me and wrapped his arms around me.</p><p>"It's not right," I said, "It's not fair to Mary Anne. She deserves someone who will treat her like a queen." Cary squeezed me.</p><p>"I agree. Hopefully she'll see that too one day." We stayed downstairs until it was time to leave. I wasn't in the mood to dance anymore. Cary understood and we talked about our future. We agreed that he would find the apartment and then I'd go check it out on my own. We knew my parents couldn't know he lived there just yet. I knew he was uneasy about lying about us to my parents but we both knew that they wouldn't understand. I couldn't get that vision of mom out of my mind, kneeling in front of me, sobbing. She seemed so broken. I didn't think she would ever understand that I forgave him and that I was willing to pretend it never happened. It was better right now that my family didn't know.</p><p>I called Mary Anne the next day to see if she was okay. Dawn answered the phone. We all crashed at Alan's place the night before but had to sneak out early so his parents didn't find out. Alan said his parents were okay with Austin staying over, but the girls they weren't okay with. We came home so late and left so early that his parents never found out. As we snuck out, Claudia took my hand and whispered that she couldn't wait until I had my own place. I guess since I would be the first in the group to be without parents, my place would become the official party house. I was surprised when I realized I didn't really mind that.</p><p>"Mary Anne had gone out," Dawn yawned, "She wasn't here when I came in. Richard told me she left really early for a baby-sitting job. Are you checking up with her to find out what happened with her and Stacey?"</p><p>"Yeah," I answered. Dawn snickered.</p><p>"Don't believe it for a moment, Kris," she said, "Mary Anne and Stacey? Please. Mary Anne is such the straight and narrow," I didn't say anything. It wasn't my place to spill Mary Anne's darkest secrets. Even if Mary Anne didn't want it a secret anymore. I knew I needed to get some time with her and find out the story between the two of them. I needed to know before the next weekend, "Anyway, enough about stuffy ol' Mary Anne. I'm bored. Let's go to the mall."</p><p>"Sounds good," I said, "On one condition."</p><p>"I will tell your parents, if they call tonight, you are here hanging with me and not at Alan's making the smooches with Cary," Dawn replied immediately. I laughed. I had a date with him tonight.</p><p>"Meet you at the mall in an hour," I replied, hanging up. I quickly threw on a pair of blue jeans, a t-shirt and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I was just about to head out the door when my cell rang.</p><p>"Hey sexy," I answered, my mood growing brighter. Here I thought today would be a let down after the party last night but things seemed to be taking shape.</p><p>"Hey yourself," he answered. The sound of his voice just made me melt. My thoughts flew back to last night. He was beyond pleased when I came out in the graduation robe. He took his time taking it off, kissing every bare part of me before he let it fall off my shoulders. It felt like heaven to fall asleep in his arms, listening to his heart beat next to me. It made everything before feel like a bad dream, "So what are you up today?"</p><p>"Going shopping with Dawn," I replied, "I have to catch the bus shortly, actually."</p><p>"Oh," he sounded disappointed, "I was hoping we could look for apartments today. I don't want to put off another moment being with you," he hesitated for a moment, "But it's okay. We can look tomorrow or something. I don't want you to cancel your plans." I smiled. A couple of months ago Cary would have insisted that I drop everything and be with him. He would have told me whatever we had to do was more important and I could always reschedule. It made me smile. I knew Cary wasn't really like that. I knew he could change.</p><p>"How about we meet up before dinner?" I asked, "You got that list I gave you, right? Why don't you make a couple of appointments and then we'll go to dinner. It's not like Dawn and I will go shopping all day."</p><p>"Are you sure? I don't want to cut into your time with Dawn," he sounded so concerned.</p><p>"I'm positive. Just call me with the time of the first appointment, okay?" he agreed, "I love you," then I hung up.</p><p>I met Dawn at the front of the mall. She was wearing cut off jean shorts that barely covered her ass and a halter top. She was staring into a jewellery store when I came up to her.</p><p>"Kristy Thomas lives on," she said then pointed inside, "I'm thinking of piercing my lip. What do you think?" I shook my head. Dawn had a couple of piercings already; she had a hoop in her bellybutton and a stud in her nose. Those didn't include the millions of holes she has in her ears.</p><p>"Richard would freak," I replied, pulled her away from the window, "No point in giving him a heart attack." Dawn giggled.</p><p>"You are right," she said, sighing. We walked around. At each store she pointed out something more outrageous than that last. In the drugstore she pointed to purple hair dye and asked if that should be her Saturday night task. She grinned evilly and said she would come over to my house the next day and show my parents what I did. I laughed at the idea but shook my head.</p><p>"You'd totally regret it if you were stuck with purple hair for six weeks," I took the box out of her hand. She pouted as we left the store.</p><p>"Kris, I'm bored," she said, "Sharon and Richard watch me like a hawk here. If I was in California I would be out with Jimmy or Ryan, getting totally wasted. It was great. I mean, the only reason why I'm here today is because you're Mary Anne's friend. They have no idea what little Miss Thomas has been up to lately. They think you are going to Stoneybrook U this fall. In their minds, you are the same Kristy Thomas that ran the BSC. Mary Anne is also the same little baby. They just can't handle that maybe I've changed too."</p><p>"But why have you changed?" I asked, "I mean, the Dawn I remember would never have had a threesome, or had sex with a guy she just met, like you did after graduation. You respected your body and yourself. The Dawn I remember would never get so drunk she blacked out or do drugs." Dawn shrugged.</p><p>"I know no one believes the whole escape thing but it's true. Also having sex makes me feel good, makes me feel attractive. Before Sunny became pregnant, she was always calling me an ugly bitch. She called me uptight, a loser, a wet blanket and some other choice phrases. She was sort of right. I was a bitch and uptight. I was so afraid to leave my box, to try new things, to relax about life. So I agreed to start going to parties with her. Suddenly I didn't feel so confined, you know? I imagine you understand now. Drinking relaxes you. Drugs frees you and sex," she smiled at me, "Sex empowers you. I don't think there is anything wrong with what I'm doing," I noticed she didn't seem quite sincere as she spoke.</p><p>"When was your first time?" I asked. We stepped outside. Neither one of us were interested in shopping anymore. She sat down on the sidewalk.</p><p>"It was the end of grade nine," she said, "It wasn't a big deal. I barely remember it." The way her voice cracked, I knew she was lying. I decided not to press it. Not yet.</p><p>"My first time was with Cary," I said, "We had been dating for a couple of months and it was just natural. We were alone in his house and we were kissing. Next thing I know we are both naked and on his bed. We never talked about if we were ready for the next step or not but at that moment, I just knew," I shrugged, trying to appear casual; "I thought I would wait until marriage but I don't regret it for a moment."</p><p>"Why did you two break up?"</p><p>"It was just a silly fight." We remained silent in our lies for a few minutes. I wondered what Dawn was thinking. I looked at her. Her head was tilted up, looking into the sun. The sunlight bounced off her white blond hair. I knew guys were checking out this bronze goddess next to me. She knew it too.</p><p>"I can't say that I really regret my decisions either," she finally spoke, "Besides is there a point? What done is done and I can't change history. I can only control my future," she stood up, "You are bailing on me to meet Cary, right?" I nodded, "Good, then you don't mind if I go hit on that guy over there. He's been checking me out every time we walk by. I want to make his dreams come true and get my mind off all this seriousness. Later, Kris," then Dawn disappeared back into the mall. I shook my head and began to jog towards the bus stop.</p><p>I was worried about Spier/ Schafer sisters. I knew Dawn was lying to me about her first time. I wondered if it was with some guy she had fallen head over heals for and she was terribly hurt by it. Or maybe she had gotten wasted and didn't really intend to go all the way. Or maybe, somewhere deep inside, she really wished that she had waited and didn't trivialize sex as she did. Maybe she really wished that she remained the innocent girl she once was. I thought about Sunny. Mary Anne always defended Sunny, saying that she learnt her lesson. Sunny was apparently a good mother and that she would never fall into old habits. I knew Sunny wasn't entirely blameless in Dawn's drastic change. I wondered who Dawn would be today if she stayed in Stoneybrook all those years ago.</p><p>Cary and I left the last apartment. I had walked in and turned right out as soon as I spotted the big rat in the middle of living room floor. Each place that Cary drove us to was a total dump. There was no way I was going to be living in a rat's nest.</p><p>"Okay, rats bad," he said as he drove to the Donut Diner, "But the other places aren't terrible."</p><p>"You must be blind," I grumbled. I wanted a nice apartment. I wanted a clean one with lots of light. All the ones we saw were dark and dirty.</p><p>"It's not like we are rich, Kristy," he said, "We can't afford the lifestyle that you are accustomed to. You are making minimum wage and I'm not much higher. If we want to be able to afford food, cable, internet and at least one cell phone, these are the best we can do." I knew he was right. I had done the math before. It was a costly advantage but I still believed we could find somewhere that didn't look like hell.</p><p>"I think the first place was a crime scene," I mumbled. I heard Cary sigh impatiently. I knew I was being a brat.</p><p>"We haven't looked everywhere yet, Cary," I said, "I'll call around tomorrow. We'll find somewhere. I promise."</p><p>"I just… I just hate living off the Grays like this. I hate being apart from you every night. I hate that our whole life is on hold until we find this place," he said, "I just want to be with you." I smiled at him. I understood completely. I had already begun to pack up my room. Cary and I had been out every day looking for places. I didn't say anything but I made a few calls to the apartment buildings in the nicer parts of town and everyone was asking over 950/ month. I had calculated that the most we could afford was 600/month. On my own, I could maybe do 450/ month, which lead us to the apartments we were just looking at.</p><p>"Maybe if we look on the outskirts of town?" I suggested. Cary shook his head.</p><p>"What if I have to work before you? We need to be on a bus route for you," we pulled into the parking lot at the Donut Diner. He sighed and pulled out the newspaper from the back of his car, "There is this place on Main Street. It's 650 per month, which is a little high but we could manage it, if you don't mind not getting a landline and cutting your cell phone bill some." I nodded. I knew what place he was talking about. It was a white building with only five stories. It was right downtown, which while not the best area in town it was better than some places we saw. I pulled out my cell.</p><p>"Let's give them a ring," I said and took the paper from his hands. As I took the paper, it tore some, almost ruining the ad which the phone number. I frowned, "Oops, sorry." Cary glared at me, anger flashing in his eyes. My mind remembered all the times he looked at me that before. I winced, wondering if he was going to hit me. It was just an accident.</p><p>"I'm sorry," I said again, hoping to ward off his anger. The fury faded from his eyes and he pulled me close.</p><p>"It's no big, Kristy," he whispered. His heart was pounding too. I wondered what had passed through his mind. I needed to forget about it. We were both frustrated. Who knew looking for a place would be so hard? It always seemed easy on TV and in books. Cary kissed my forehead and took my cell phone out of my hand. I rested my head on his shoulder as he called the landlord. We could see the place right away. At least that seemed like a good sign.</p><p>We drove downtown and parked on the street. Mr. Ohdner was waiting outside for us. I used to babysit for the Ohdner girls in eighth grade. They were sweet kids but shy. I never really got too close to them, as I did with some of the other clients we had.</p><p>"Ms. Thomas!" Mr. Ohdner cried in a big booming voice, "My, you have grown up! And is this your lovely boyfriend?" I blushed, embarrassed by the noise he was making.</p><p>"Cary Retlin, sir," Cary said, reaching over to shake Mr. Ohdner's hand. Mr. Ohdner grinned.</p><p>"Ah, yes, the Retlins. I remember meeting a Daniel Retlin. Any relation?"</p><p>"He was, I mean, is my father," Cary said, taking my hand. I squeezed it tight.</p><p>"Good man," Mr. Ohdner said, "Honest man too. Now, I'm sure we aren't here to talk about family history. Let's go and see the place." He led up to the top floor and unlocked the door, "I haven't been able to find a tenant for the past couple of months. I will, of course, have the floors washed and the walls repainted." The whole apartment had hardwood floors. I stepped inside. To my life was the kitchen and to my right, was a hallway, which I imagined led to the bathroom and bedroom. In front of me was the living room. Cary went right. I walked into the kitchen. The whole place was small. As I walked into the living room, I noticed the large windows.</p><p>"Now, this is the only apartment in the building that doesn't have a balcony, but I do intend to have that put in one day," Mr. Ohdner said. I could tell he wanted to sell us on the place. I went into the bathroom and bedroom. The bedroom also had large windows. I could just imagine my black iron bed in the middle of the room, with long white curtains blowing in the wind.</p><p>"Well?" Cary whispered in my ear. I smiled at him.</p><p>"I love it," he smiled back at me. The tension he had been holding all day seemed to disappear. He turned to Mr. Ohdner.</p><p>"How soon can we move in?"</p><p>My trip to New York had to be postponed. Mary Anne seemed upset by it but she understood. I would be moving that weekend. Watson, Charlie and Sam helped me move my things in. My mother brought me those white curtains I had envisioned and other household items I hadn't picked up yet. Karen and Andrew brought me a box of plants to give the place a warm homey feeling. After I was all settled, my mother held me close, her eyes filling with tears.</p><p>"My sweet baby girl," she whispered, "Don't be a stranger. Come over whenever you'd like. It will always be your home." I hugged my mother and Watson tight. It was weird to watch them walk away, knowing they are going home to a place that is no longer your home.</p><p>I turned around, and surveyed my apartment. There will still some boxes I needed to unpack but first I needed to make a call.</p><p>"Cary? They are gone."</p><p>The next couple of weeks were a whirlwind. After moving in to my apartment, I spent the first couple of days of arranging everything how I wanted it. I even went to Home Hardware and picked out some paint samples. I wanted it to feel warm and cozy. Cary teased me, saying I was acting really girlie for Kristy Thomas but I didn't care. It was my first place and I wanted it to be perfect. Despite his teasing, I loved that Cary was there every night. It was weird at first to fall asleep in a quiet apartment, knowing that Shannon wouldn't jump on me in the middle of the night for some reason, or just the knowledge to know that Mom and Watson wasn't somewhere in the house with me. It was weird to wake up in the morning and not hear David Michael and Karen fighting in the kitchen. I knew had I been sleeping alone I would have been up half the night, staring at the unfamiliar shadows on my walls, wondering why I moved at all. I didn't like change. Sometimes at night, when I would hear the noises of downtown and was missing the quiet of my upscale neighbourhood, I thought if it wasn't for Cary next to me, I wouldn't be able to do this.</p><p>Work was an adventure as well. I was working as a cashier in a grocery story. I made just over minimum wage. Cary worked long hours in the back room. We would try to get breaks at the same time but it wasn't always possible. It was especially difficult when we had conflicting shifts. He worked regular days, while I, occasionally, worked evenings. I hated the days when I only saw Cary when I came home at midnight. I was so tired and all I wanted was to rest. Cary would wait up for me; however, and I always appreciated that.</p><p>Due to my hours and being pre-occupied with my apartment, I hadn't had the chance to call Mary Anne in several weeks. I was able to see Dawn, Claudia and Alan occasionally but normally on weekends and when they just popped by. I had noticed that since I no longer lived at home, I didn't feel so much pressure. I didn't feel like I had to be on top, like I had to prove myself. I wondered, at times, if I felt that pressure because I felt the need to show my mother that I could be a wonderful person even without a father, that our family could be fine, even normal, with our dad around anymore. I knew that wasn't exactly true because I always strived to be the best, to try to catch up with my brothers, to be equal or better than Sam and Charlie. Now I didn't need to prove myself to them, or to anyone. I had no teachers grading me on my performance, I didn't have to have a plan and act like I had it all together for my family. I felt free. It was a completely different feeling than the freedom I felt on graduation. It felt much more permanent.</p><p>With this feeling of freedom, I felt more relaxed. I didn't mind going to parties with Claudia anymore. It was an adventure and I knew if I screwed up, I didn't have to account to anyone, besides Cary, who was right along beside me. My parents would never know. He would prevent me from doing anything totally stupid anyway. I drank more, even beginning to enjoy the strange sensation I got from being buzzed, or even drunk. It didn't matter if I woke up with a hangover, as long as I could do my job the next day. My job wasn't actually difficult, so the occasional time I would wake up with a hangover, it didn't really matter. I was having fun with my life. I didn't feel so wound up.</p><p>I could feel that freedom seep into my relationship with Cary too. He seemed more relaxed now that we were living together. I wondered if it was our families, our expectations that made us bad for each other. He didn't seem as controlling, as needy anymore. We hardly ever fought anymore. I will admit there are times that I noticed he would get possessive again. For example, the rare time Dawn would meet me after work and we would go out for a couple hours. Cary would wake up for me at home and he would be upset that I didn't come straight home, even through I had called and told him what I was doing. I understood where he was coming from; however, after work, he liked spending time with me. It wasn't like he was trying to limit my time with my friends, as he did before he just wanted time with me. I kept a mental note of that. He was right in other ways too. It was best when we hung out as a group. It was more fun that way, less serious and when Cary was around, he prevented truly stupid ideas from taking place. Like when Claudia wanted to break into SHS one night, just to see if anything had changed in the few weeks we were out. Cary reminded her that she would be there again on Monday, as she was in summer school, and she would know her answer then.</p><p>Yet with everything that was going on, I felt bad about not making more of an effort to keep in touch with Mary Anne. She never wanted to hang out with Dawn, so I couldn't try to combine my activities. Besides nights with the group was usually spur of the moment type things, while Mary Anne liked things planned in advance. I could appreciate that. I was like that too, just not as much anymore. One night, when Cary went out to hang out with Alan and his family, I called Mary Anne. She had not come over to see my apartment so I figured might as well invite her over. She sounded terrible when she answered the phone. I insisted she come over right away. In a monotonous voice, she mumbled she'd be there soon.</p><p>Within a half hour, she was at my front door. She looked terrible. Her eyes were red from recent tears, her brown hair hung limp and unwashed and she came dressed in grubby sweatpants and a shirt that didn't quite match. I ushered her into my living room.</p><p>"What's wrong?" I demanded. It seemed like the spark that made who she was had died completely.</p><p>"It's Stacey," she said, in that same flat tone, "I'm wondering if I made a mistake but it's too late to do anything about it now."</p><p>"What happened?" I pressed. She looked at me, her eyes filling up with tears again.</p><p>"Stacey is Stacey. I'd thought she'd change. I thought once we got the apartment in New York, we would be a real couple. I thought we would start holding hands in public, I thought she wouldn't mind the occasional peck on the cheek, I thought she would want to go on dates with me and I don't mean the kind of dates where we sneak over to each other houses when no one else is home. That party back in May, when you first saw us together? That was a total fluke. She has been so careful not to let anyone to find out about us," Mary Anne grabbed my hand, "Kristy, we are going to be roommates soon. We got the apartment. We can move in next week. We are supposed to start this new life together and it's like she doesn't get it at all. It's like we are just friends but it's worse because I thought it was supposed to be more than that."</p><p>"Stacey told me once that you two went through a lot to get where you are know," I said, hoping Mary Anne wouldn't ask more about that conversation, "She said she loves you. Maybe she has a hard time showing it or something," I paused, "May I ask what were those trials you went through to get together?" Mary Anne snorted.</p><p>"Trials? That's just Stacey being dramatic and I guess I went along with it. Or maybe I'm just feeling bitter," Mary Anne sighed, "You heard about that party where Stacey went up to Claudia and kissed her, thus forever ending their friendship and causing Claudia to be the freak show she is today?"</p><p>"I heard a one sentence recap from Alan," I said, "And Claudia is not a freak show."</p><p>"You're too loyal, Kristy," Mary Anne replied, "That was basically the story. Stacey likes to drink when she's at parties and she does so a lot, which causes her to think she can do things she can't in normal life and get away with it. In that case, she thought she would let Claudia know that she had been thinking about her for some time and kissed her. It was after that party when we were paired up in that project. Stacey was so bummed and maybe because I was always such the 'sensitive' friend in the old days, she thought she could trust me. She confessed to me that she had feelings of attraction to girls, that she would daydream about kissing a girl and she wondered what it was like. She told me that she often looked at Claudia and, I quote 'her slinky black hair and dark almond shaped eyes,' and just want to jump her. She said she felt so confused because she also had those feelings for guys. She didn't understand that it was perfectly normal to have those emotions for both. After Claudia rejected her, she felt so weird and out of place. She finally acted on her desires and she was slapped down. She wondered if she was some of freak," Mary Anne paused, biting her lip for a moment.</p><p>"Stacey would talk about her fantasies every time we got together for the project. The last day we worked together, she told me she was having daydreams about me. I never told her about me because I figured as soon as the project was over our friendship would be over but Stacey kept calling me afterwards. She wanted to meet me. She told me that she felt like I was the only one who understood her and that she cherished our friendship.</p><p>"It took a while before I felt I could open up to her. Maybe that is what she calls the trials, trying to get me to trust her. But do you blame me? I was her best friend after school, the only one who 'got her' but I was completely invisible at school. Anyway, it was last summer when I came out to her. Well, sort of. I told her that I had those feelings too and it took time to work through them. Kristy, I never told Stacey that Sunny helped a lot with working through them. I never told her that Sunny was my first girlfriend. I have always led Stacey to believe that she was the first."</p><p>"She has no idea?" I asked. Mary Anne shook her head.</p><p>"You know Stacey. It wouldn't sit right with her to be second in anything, including being my second girlfriend. By that time, I had gotten a huge crush on Stacey McGill. She was popular, she had gorgeous blonde hair and those beautiful blue eyes. I found her body so sexy," Mary Anne suddenly stopped and blushed, "I don't imagine you wanted to know that," I shook my head, "That's how I felt so I thought it was best she didn't know about my summer with Sunny. After I had told Stacey that I had those feelings too, she leaned over and kissed me. It was like magic, Kristy. I don't know how else to describe it. I had never felt like that with anyone before. Not with Sunny, even through I think I was more exploring myself and each other than having a serious attraction. I never even felt like that with Logan. His kisses were sweet and gentle, like holding a kitten but Stacey's-" I held up my hand.</p><p>"Enough!" I said, "I don't need a play by play description. I get it." I smiled at her. Mary Anne blushed.</p><p>"Sorry," she said, a small smile playing on her lips, "The next several months were like that. I began to date Logan again. I'm not sure why, maybe to make me forget about the unobtainable Stacey McGill. She continued being Stacey. Yet we would meet occasionally, not as much, and talk. She told me she still had these feelings for someone, she never mentioned who, but I had an idea, and she didn't know how to act on them. We would always end up making out. Kristy, I remember how I used to go home crying. I felt so used. Stacey would call me the next day saying how sorry she was, that she didn't mean for it to go so far and she was trying to work things out. I would tell her it wasn't a big deal and that I understood but I felt so crushed," she began to cry again, "Stacey doesn't change despite how much I want her to. When she finally decided she wanted to be my girlfriend, she promised we could be public friends too. She told me she just wasn't ready with letting people know she was bi. She begged me to give her time. So I did. I wasn't sure if I was ready with Stoneybrook knowing that I was bi, so it didn't matter. Kristy, can I have a tissue?" I nodded and went to my bathroom and grabbed the box. Once I gave it to Mary Anne, she blew her nose hard.</p><p>"Stacey is still Stacey," she continued, "When we applied to NYU, she promised things would change. She said she would be more comfortable coming out in a big city like New York. I agreed with her. We agreed we would get a nice one bedroom apartment. We would get a queen sized bed and sleep next to each other at night. We promised we would be a couple in the city limits. We promised we would discuss the possibility of coming out to our friends and family. Yet we ended up getting a two bedroom and nothing changes. She still ignores me. She still acts like I'm nothing to her. What's worse," Mary Anne's voice trembled, "What's worse," she couldn't continue. I put my arms around her and hugged my best friend. My heart broke for her. I felt like a terrible friend. I should have been there for her, answering her calls, and acted like her friend, instead of drinking with Dawn and Claudia. I made a vow to be a better friend.</p><p>"Last weekend Andi threw another party. It was only for the popular kids so I wasn't invited. Stacey made some lame excuse about how I wouldn't enjoy it anyway. I didn't feel like arguing with her. We had just made up over the whole apartment ordeal. Then she comes to me the next day and tells me she slept with Trevor Sandborne," I gasped, "She told me it didn't mean anything. She said she had too much to drink and he kept coming onto her. She took my hand, Kristy, and swore to me it didn't mean anything to her, that I was the one in her heart. How can I believe her, Kristy? How could she have slept with him? I have closed my eyes so much to her behaviour. I never said anything when she makes out with other guys. I don't say anything when she ignores me during the day, only to come over at night. I feel so used and betrayed, Kristy. How can I forgive her?"</p><p>"Why do you have to?" I asked.</p><p>"What am I going to do? Get out of the lease before it even started? I already signed my name to it. Besides, it's too late to try to get into residence and I can't afford an apartment on my own in New York. I have to stay where I am but it will be so hard to see her every day, acting like everything is fine. Nothing can go back to how it was, Kristy. I can't just be her friend and act like there was nothing between us and I don't think she can either."</p><p>"I'm sure if you wanted to, if you tried hard enough, you could find your own place in New York," I responded, "I know it's a challenge but your other option is to clear the air with Stacey and make it work." I shrugged, thinking that Mary Anne was just making excuses. Stacey clearly didn't respect her and I knew my best friend deserved better. She deserved much better. Besides, it wasn't like she was married to Stacey, what obligation did she have to make it work?</p><p>"I don't know what to do, Kristy," Mary Anne cried, "I really don't. She's coming over tomorrow so I have to have something to tell her," Mary Anne stood up quickly, rubbing her eyes, "I can't just sit here. I'm sorry I've been such a downer but I really just want to go home. I feel like such a fool, crying over her, especially since she has no reason for her behaviours," She hugged me tight, "Thanks for listening."</p><p>"No problem," I replied, "Call if you ever need to talk. I'm here for you," I paused, "Drop by again. Maybe then I'll give you the whole tour, okay?" I smiled. Mary Anne gave me a weak smile back.</p><p>"Sure." The apartment door opened and Cary walked in. My heart almost stopped. I thought he would have been out longer.</p><p>"Hey, Kris, I'm home," he paused when he saw Mary Anne. She looked at me and then Cary then back at me.</p><p>"I guess I'm not the only fool here who can't see past her own emotions," Mary Anne's voice chilled, "I can't believe you." She grabbed her purse.</p><p>"Mary Anne," I said, "Don't go. Let me explain." She whirled around.</p><p>"Don't bother. Clearly, everyone thinks I'm sort of joke but I'm not going to be the blind fool anymore," and she stormed out of my apartment. I felt helpless as I watched her go but I knew there wasn't anything more I could do. For a moment I worried if she would call my mom and tell her. Cary wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Kristy," he said, "I had no idea you were having company. Did you mention it before?" I shook my head.</p><p>"Spur of the moment," I whispered, "I hadn't talked in Mary Anne since we moved in. I thought it would be a good chance."</p><p>"I wish you told me," he said, "I wouldn't have come in like that," he kissed my head again, "But maybe it's better this way. It's not like you two were that close anymore anyway. Maybe it's best that the friendship just frizzled out." I nodded, not believing it in my heart. Mary Anne and I had known each other since we were babies. That friendship couldn't just end like that, especially when Mary Anne needed a friend so badly. Cary hugged me tight.</p><p>"Don't worry about it," he said, "It will work out in the end."</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke up with a pit in my stomach. I couldn't remember right away why I feel so gloomy. It felt like something terrible had happened then I remembered. That look on Mary Anne's face when she saw Cary come into the apartment, the look as if she couldn't believe he was even there and that I was okay with it. I remembered the look of utter betrayal she had on her face all night and how Cary walked in seemed to be the next knife in her back. She walked out on me before I could even explain.</p><p>I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore now. I sat up, running my fingers through my hair. Cary stirred next to me and his eyes fluttered open. He smiled at me.</p><p>"I don't know if I'll ever get used to the pleasure of waking up to you," he said, his voice sleepy, "Hey, what's wrong?" He sat up, putting his arm around me. A tear slid down my cheek. I couldn't just let this thing with Mary Anne go. I needed to call her. I needed to tell her how he had changed, how everything was better. I needed to know she wasn't mad at me. I reached over and grabbed my phone.</p><p>"Mary Anne," I replied as I flipped it open, "I have to talk to her about what happened last night." Cary put his hand on my arm. I stopped dialling for a moment.</p><p>"Kristy, what are you going to tell her? She already has her mind closed about us. She always has," Cary said, "She didn't like our relationship before and nothing changed. Why hold onto a friendship where she dictates the rules?" A part of me wanted to agree. I never liked being told what to do. I was the leader, not one of the followers. Yet this was Mary Anne we were talking about. She had been my friend for as long as I could remember. We were always there for each other. If it was Dawn, or even Claudia, who was doing this, I would agree with Cary but Mary Anne was a different category altogether. I couldn't just let her walk out of my life.</p><p>"It's not like that," was my only response to him. He looked at me sharply.</p><p>"I don't like seeing you so hurt. You have been hurt enough this year," he looked away from a moment, "Please don't let someone else control you. Take charge of your life again. Please, Kristy." I hesitated then let the phone slid from my hand and land on the bed. Mary Anne was probably over reacting, especially with everything that was going on with Stacey, I decided. Once she had some time to cool off and think about things she'd probably call me and ask why I was back with Cary. We would deal with things then. I smiled at Cary.</p><p>"You're right," I said, gently kicking my phone off the bed and curling up with him. He rubbed my cheek.</p><p>"Of course I am," he smiled at me, "I want the best for you. I never really liked Mary Anne. She always acted so sweet, so innocent but was a real bitch underneath. I don't want you to lose your best friend but I just want your best friend to be someone who cares for you, who understands you and won't stand in your way," he kissed my forehead. The pit in my stomach started to dissolve.</p><p>"You are my best friend," I said, "Mary Anne will just need to get over it." A part of me didn't quite believe that. That same part still whispered to me to pick up that phone and call her. Yet then I would have to defend my decision to be with Cary and I didn't want to. She didn't understand that we were in love. She didn't understand that. No, I will deal with her when she wasn't going to be in such a mood. Cary was right.</p><p>Mary Anne didn't call that day or the next. Whenever I called the Spier/ Schafer house she would never pick up the phone. Dawn told me she seemed incredibly upset at me. Apparently Mary Anne had told her that I was seriously screwed up and that I was on my own this time. She wasn't going to witness me fall to pieces when I knew what an asshole Cary was. Dawn tried to defend me but Mary Anne wasn't going to hear about it. Our friendship was officially over.</p><p>I didn't really believe it until Dawn told me that Mary Anne had moved with Stacey to New York and she never called to say good bye. It hurt that my one time best friend didn't even bother to mend things before starting her new life. It hurt that Mary Anne was so willing to forgive Stacey, despite the fact that the girl clearly did not care for Mary Anne's feelings at all, but couldn't even call me to talk it out. Cary listened to me rant about Mary Anne and didn't complain. He pointed it that this was for the best. Look at my other friends, like Dawn or Erica, they didn't seem to think there was a problem with Cary and me and they supported our relationship. Dawn would often ask if she could be the godmother when we had our first child. Cary told me it was our true friends who would support us. I knew he was right and I knew it was time to close the door on Mary Anne Spier.</p><p>We were sitting around Austin's pool at the end of August. His parents were out and he brought out a case of beer. Dawn was in the pool, mumbling under her breath that this weather was no where near as wonderful as it was in California and as soon as she could she would return to the land of sun. Once in a while she would climb out of the pool and complain she was losing her tan. Claudia was sitting on the edge, with her feet in the water. Austin and Erica, who seemed to be a continual on again/ off again couple, were sharing a lawn chair, bickering about something or another. Alan wasn't there and Cary and I were also sharing a lawn chair, wrapped in each other's arms, just enjoying the care free summer days.</p><p>"I'm bored," Claudia announced suddenly.</p><p>"What else is new?" I replied. Claudia glared at me.</p><p>"My sister has been in touch with Ellen Cooke, that realtor from Sea City?" Claudia continued, "Janine was going to rent a house down there if she could get enough of her friends together but this really exciting class came up and Janine can't go. As it turns out all her friends are all going to attend this class and now there is no one to enjoy the house. It's too late to get her money back if she drops out now so she wants to know if we want the house." Dawn climbed out of the pool, flipping her wet hair out of her face.</p><p>"Are you telling me we can spend our last two weeks of summer in Sea City, completely free of parents?" Dawn asked, her eyes glittering. Claudia nodded.</p><p>"That is if we all want to. Janine even said she'd pay for it; we just need to arrange our own way there and pay for food, etc. She figured it can be a late birthday gift for me," Claudia said, "What could be better than Sea City? Bonus is this time we don't have to baby sit the Pike brats." We all laughed at that. The last time we had been to Sea City was when the BSC was still functioning. We all went but we all had to baby sit the Pike kids.</p><p>"When do we go?" I asked.</p><p>"Monday," Claudia replied then dived into the pool. I jumped to my feet.</p><p>"What? It's Saturday today!" I cried, "We need to plan! Whose cars are we taking? We need to pack!" Dawn began to laugh.</p><p>"Kristy, relax," Cary said, joining in the laughter. He wrapped his hands around my wrist and pulled me back to his lap, "Think of it as an adventure. Complications, Kristy, complications." I sat down and frowned. I was still getting used to the easy going life style that Claudia had. She would probably leave this evening if it gave her enough time to pack her clothing.</p><p>"Fine," I grumbled. I insisted that we, at least, figure out when we were leaving and who would be getting the keys. We agreed we would take Erica's van and meet early Monday morning, so we wouldn't lose a minute of fun and excitement. Claudia swore up and down she had the keys already. Cary held me close, promising me he would take care of all the planning on our end. He wanted me to relax. I smiled and kissed him. As much as I wanted to jump in and take control of the situation, it was nice to know that it was out of my control.</p><p>Cary took care of everything, including calling work to ensure we could get the next two weeks off. He went grocery shopping, he purchased sun tan lotion and he even packed my suitcase for me. He made sure we had games to play and activities for the rainy days. When I woke up on Monday morning, there was nothing for me to worry about. We took a cab to Erica's and threw our suitcases in the van. Within an hour of arriving, we were on the road to Sea City. I rested my head on his shoulder, knowing it would be great two weeks.</p><p>The house was right on the beach and it wasn't far from the house that the Pike's normally rented. It was Victorian style, just like the Pike's, with three floors. Erica and Austin took a room on the second floor, as did Claudia, Dawn and Alan. Cary and I took a room on the third floor. There were enough rooms in the house for everyone to have a separate room but, of course, the couples wanted to bunk together. I loved having the entire floor to me and Cary. Our bedroom was white, with blue trim, and faced the ocean. I could see the blue water stretch out into the horizon and white sand framing the sparkling blue water. I couldn't wait to get out there and have some fun.</p><p>We spent the afternoon unpacking and preparing the house for habitation. Claudia wanted to go out to the beach right away but Dawn and I convinced her otherwise. Once we were done, Erica and Austin drove out to the mainland to pick up some alcoholic drinks. Alan and Cary were going to BBQ for dinner. Dawn, Claudia and I sat on the front porch and the others begin to work.</p><p>"I wish time would stop right now," Dawn said, staring out at the beach. The sun lit up her hair, giving her an angelic look. Claudia nodded.</p><p>"I always pictured that this would be the summer I'd move to that island we always used to vacation to. It was my slice of heaven," Claudia said, "I didn't think I'd be returning to Stoneybrook High once again. I thought I'd be over this nightmare," she sat down on the stairs and leaned against the railing, "No one seemed to have understood how hard school was for me. I know I could do well if I applied myself but I don't want to. I really don't. It's so boring and meaningless. Why is high school chemistry or even the history of the United States going to affect me, besides in ways it does by simply being? Everyone thinks I'm so stupid but I see the world in ways normal people don't. I look at things and picture the colours that are being used, the angles, the shadowing. I look in the classroom and see these things. I don't see stupid lesson plans. I see art in the making." Dawn squeezed Claudia's shoulder.</p><p>"I know what you mean," Dawn said, "High school is so limiting. I know I could just drop out but I want that high school diploma, at least," Dawn sighed and leaned against the railing. Her blonde hair fell across her face, "It's so hard when you are competing with a sibling. Claud, you have your genius sister. I have Mary Anne. Everyone comparing you to her, thinking you ought to be perfect like she is and everyone thinking you should be like her. Everyone thinks you should be incapable of making mistakes, or thinking different than her. No one appreciates that you have had different experiences."</p><p>"Maybe instead of them thinking you have the same experiences, they are judging you on the choices you make," I said, without thinking. Dawn rolled her eyes.</p><p>"Everyone assumes we grew up the same," Dawn said, "They think Mary Anne and I lived the same lives because we are sisters. That couldn't be further from the truth, even if we were blood sisters. Mary Anne and I aren't the same and we don't have the same history," Dawn sighed. She looked back at the house to see what Alan and Cary was doing, "I've never told anyone this before," her voice cracked, "I was raped in grade nine," Dawn hesitated, her eyes staring at the house. Neither Claudia nor I spoke, "It was at a party that Sunny dragged me too. I had too much to drink. This guy kept getting me more and more drinks. I blacked out and when I woke up, he was finishing. He kissed my cheek and told me I was real good. I waited until he left before I began to cry."</p><p>"Why didn't you go to the police?" Once again, the words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself.</p><p>"And say what? I was drinking underage? Or get questioned as if it was my entire fault? So this guy, who I don't even remember his name, can say I asked for it? To be humiliated? No, it was easier to pretend it didn't happen," Dawn replied.</p><p>"But it did," Claudia said softly, "That's why you act why you do. You sleep around, trying to get that control back. You are destroying yourself because you are a victim."</p><p>"Thank you for making my life sound like an after school special," Dawn snapped.</p><p>"You can still go to the police," I said, "I mean, it's a crime. He raped you. You probably aren't the only one. How can you let him get away with it?" I could just hear Mary Anne scream hypocrite in my ear. This was different, however. Cary was my boyfriend. He didn't drug me, or get me drunk. It wasn't rape. It didn't matter. Cary wasn't that person anymore.</p><p>"This is all beside the point. Mary Anne is everyone's golden girl. She is perfect and the worst thing to happen to her is her mom died, and she doesn't remember that. I'm not telling you two because I want a lecture or pity. I'm just tired of everyone assuming Mary Anne and I are the same. I'm tired of everything thinking everything is the same." Dawn then went back inside. I looked at Claudia, unsure of what to say. Claudia looked at me and shrugged. I watched her go back into the house. I stared back at the ocean. Dawn should have gone to the police. Then maybe she wouldn't have changed so much. She could be happier. Yet who was I to judge? Maybe she wouldn't be happier that way. Maybe all she wanted was to move on with her life. Was that so different from what I wanted? I just wanted my family to forget about that night and accept Cary again. I didn't like how I all but cut all communication with them just so I could hide the fact that Cary was living with me.</p><p>Cary came out of the house and wrapped his arms around me. He nuzzled my neck. I relaxed in his arms. Cary was a different man. He wasn't a rapist. That night was just a mistake and I needed to stop dwelling on it, thinking about it. If I was that torn up about it, why would I let him back into my life? I was a stronger person than that. I needed to forget that night altogether.</p><p>"You look so serious," he murmured into my neck. His warm breathe sent shivers down my spine, "Is everything okay?"</p><p>I nodded, "Yeah. How's dinner going?"</p><p>"Waiting for Erica and Austin to come back," he replied, "Knowing them they probably made a pit stop for quick sex," he paused, "You sure everything is okay? I mean, when the girls came in they looked so serious. Did something happen?" I hesitated. It wasn't my place to tell Dawn's secret.</p><p>"Dawn told us something disturbing that I think she'd want us to keep private," I finally said.</p><p>"Like what?" I didn't respond right away and Cary continued, "It's not like I'm your blog or something. Since when was I public domain? I thought we were going to be honest with each other." The muscles in my stomach tightened. I didn't really want to tell Cary. That was Dawn's story to share, or more likely, not to share. I turned to face Cary. The look on his face was unreadable.</p><p>"It's not my story to share," I said, "I really shouldn't say anything." Cary stepped back from me.</p><p>"I thought we wanted to make this work," he said, "We can't if you start keeping secrets." I frowned. Why didn't he understand this was different? It wasn't something that I would want to keep secret but it wasn't my secret. It wasn't my story. A look of anger flashed across his face and he folded his arms against his chest.</p><p>"I'm not the only one who has to change here, Kristy," he said, "I really thought we had moved passed all this. I don't know how we can work if you keep lying to me."</p><p>"I'm not lying to you!" I cried, feeling frustrated, "I'm trying to be a good friend."</p><p>"And I'm your boyfriend!" he replied. I sighed.</p><p>"She was raped, okay?" I finally said, feeling defeated. I didn't want to fight with him. Cary frowned, looking concerned.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I don't want to get into here, alright? Tonight when we go to bed, I'll tell you more," I pushed passed him and headed inside, telling myself I wanted to check on dinner. I knew in reality I felt sick to my stomach. Why didn't Cary just drop it when I asked him to? Maybe it was just the stress of the trip was the reason he was acting like that. It has to be.</p><p>I heard Erica and Austin burst in through the front door. Austin was yelling that he had enough drinks to get us seriously wasted tonight. The way I felt right then I thought maybe I would join them. Cary came up to me in the kitchen, kissed my cheek and whispered that he loved me. I whispered the words back. Time to stop dwelling. It was time for dinner.</p><p>I crawled into bed, wearing one of Cary's t-shirts. He was already in bed, dressed simply in his boxers. I kissed him on the nose. I was a little drunk; however, not totally wasted like Dawn, Erica and Austin. When I came upstairs, they were giggling and whispering about something. I was curious but not enough to find out. I wrapped my arms around Cary's waist and snuggled close. He began to stroke my hair.</p><p>"I've been thinking about our conversation on the porch," he said, his voice low.</p><p>"Yeah?" I looked up at him.</p><p>"I feel bad about pushing you so hard to tell me. I feel bad because I was so worried what it could be. I hated the feeling that you were keeping something from me," he pauses, "I'm sorry, Kristy. I'm trying. I really am. Sometimes I'm so afraid I'm falling into old habits and when I look at you, it kills me. I don't want to lose you."</p><p>"You won't," I promised him, "I'm yours." I rested my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. Neither of us spoke and soon we fell asleep, holding each other.</p><p>I woke up the next morning, feeling energized. It was a nice feeling to wake up and know that I didn't have to go to work and had time to myself. I looked at the clock. Six a.m. in red glowing numbers flashed at me. Cary stirred slightly as I got up. I quickly grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and went downstairs for a shower. Once finished, I threw my wet hair into a ponytail, grabbed a pair of running shoes and stepped out on the porch. The morning air was warm, with a touch of night time coolness. It was perfect running weather.</p><p>"Hey," Alan came up from behind me.</p><p>"Hey," I replied, leaning over to tighten my shoelaces.</p><p>"Going for a run? Want some company?" he asked. He was dressed in baggy burnt orange shorts and a white wife beater. His tan from working in the farms was obvious against the white.</p><p>"Sure," then I jogged down the stairs, "Think you can keep pace with me?" I picked up my speed when I hit the beach. The sand kicked up behind me. Neither of us spoke, as we jogged down the long stretch of the beach, listening to the waves crash against the shore. In a few hours, this beach would be full of children playing and teenagers bathing in the sun. The waves would be inaudible against the chatter and laughter of the beach goers. Right now; however, this was perfection. As I ran, I pushed out all my thoughts and focused on the environment around me. For a while, I forgot that Alan was with me.</p><p>I hadn't been able to keep up with my sports this summer. I was so busy with moving, then working and hanging out with Cary and my new friends, one of my favourite past times was set aside. It was almost as if I had forgotten how much I loved the feel of sweat on me, the pounding of my heart, the stretch of my muscles as I worked out. This felt so relaxing.</p><p>"Hey, Thomas?" Alan called out from behind me, "Can we pause?" He fell to the sand, dramatically, causing the sand to fly up around him. I laughed and continued to jog in place. It could be harmful to not cool down the muscles properly after a good long run.</p><p>"Alan, get up," I said, laughing. He groaned. His face was red and his white shirt clung to sweat covered body.</p><p>"I'm dying, Thomas," he said, "Give my love to everyone," he grabbed his chest, obviously planning an equally dramatic death, "Just kick me to the ocean when I've passed away. I want to be eaten by the fishes." I burst out laughing and grabbed his hand, yanking him to his feet. He almost stood up but then lost his balance, pulling me down with him. We burst out laughing.</p><p>"What time is it?" I asked, sitting up. I knew I was covered in sand. I would need another shower when I came back to the house. Alan would too but he could wait. Alan looked at his watch.</p><p>"A little past eight," he replied, "There is no way we have been out here for almost an hour and a half." I shrugged.</p><p>"Whatever, we are a five minute walk to the house. Let's go back, drink water like it's going out of fashion and then I go to shower," I jumped to my feet. Alan slowly sat up and began to walk behind me, as I started to jog back to the house. Needless to say that I was the first one back.</p><p>Cary and Claudia were in the kitchen when I came in. Both looked at me in surprised to see how covered in sand I was. Cary looked at me strangely as Alan followed, even more so covered in sand. Claudia began to giggle.</p><p>"What the hell were you two doing?" she cried. I kicked off my shoes. Argh, I had sand in my socks.</p><p>"I went jogging," I said, "This clown tried to follow. Now it's shower time," I left the kitchen and headed towards the bathroom. I heard a scrap of a chair moving. I shut the bathroom door and took off my shirt. I could feel the sand fall to the floor. This was going to be a mess to clean up. It would be even worse when Alan was finished in here. I turned on the shower, waiting for the room to steam up. I began to unbutton my shorts when Cary stepped inside the bathroom.</p><p>"Hey you," I smiled at him, "Want to join me for a shower?" He stepped close to me.</p><p>"How could you do that to me?" he hissed.</p><p>"Do what?" I asked.</p><p>"Fool around with Alan right in front of me then throw it in my face. Now you have the nerve to invite me to shower with you?" I was totally shocked. My heart began to race.</p><p>"What? No," I stammered, "You have it all wrong. I went for a jog. Alan followed."</p><p>"And the sand?" he flicked at my hair, "I know what this looks like. I just never imagined you to be such a slut." Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to blink them away. This had to be a terrible nightmare. Cary wasn't like this. He wouldn't do this to me again. He wouldn't.</p><p>"We tripped," I said, "We jogged on the beach. Cary, you have to believe me." He glared at me, his dark brown eyes cold, "Please, Cary." I stepped back from him. Why was he still looking at me like that?</p><p>"I trusted you, Kristy," he whispered then slapped me hard. My body recoiled with the slap and I tripped, falling to the ground. I touched my red cheek, not quite believing what was happening.</p><p>"Oh my god, Kristy," his voice had changed. He sounded so concerned, so upset. Cary knelt in front of me, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. Please Kristy, you have to believe me. I am so sorry." I pushed myself to my feet. Cary reached to touch my face but I pulled away from him. He flinched.</p><p>"Kristy," he started to say but I put my hand up, silencing him.</p><p>"Just get out," I said, my voice shaking, "I can't deal with this right now. I just want to shower." Cary stood up and nodded. He quietly left the bathroom. I stripped my clothes and stepped into the hot shower. I closed my eyes as the water pounded against my face. I shut my mind to the events that just past.</p><p>I avoided Cary for the rest of the day and he knew it. He kept trying to get a moment alone with me, but I stuck to Dawn or Claudia like glue. I wasn't ready to talk to Cary yet. I wasn't ready to face what happened in the bathroom yet. I knew that by sunset I would have to talk to him and deal with it. All day I struggled to stop thinking about it. He changed. He promised things would change. Things were supposed to be different. How could I forgive him? How could I think that he had changed after that? I knew my friends thought something was up. Maybe they thought something happened between me and Alan. They kept asking me all day if something was wrong. I kept denying, laughing it off. I said the jog made me tired. A part of me hoped someone could see through my lies, but I knew, even if they did, it wouldn't mean anything.</p><p>I stayed up as late as I could, pretending to laugh with Erica and Claudia, but it felt so hollow. Over and over again the bathroom scene played in my head. A lot of the scenes where Cary had hit me, punched me or pushed me played in my head. Over and over again, I could see the anger in his eyes. Nothing changed. Everything changed. What were those last few months? The laughter we shared, the talks, the cuddling. Was it all a lie? No. I couldn't believe that. Cary was the same man. He was a different man. I felt confused.</p><p>Finally, I went to bed, not being able to avoid it anymore. Cary was reading in bed, dressed in only his boxers. I didn't say anything as I entered the room. I just went to my suitcase and pulled out a pair of pj pants and a t-shirt. I changed in front of him. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see him sneaking peeks at me. I wondered how long he would go without saying anything. I refused to go to him first. I climbed into my side of the bed and kept as far to the edge as I could, without falling off. I felt him move closer to me, wrapping his arm around my stomach.</p><p>"Kristy," he said, his voice low, "I'm sorry. I relapsed. I just got so jealous. I know Alan is into you. He always has been," he paused, "That's why our friendship collapsed so long ago. He didn't want to deal with the fact that I had the girl of his dreams. He couldn't deal that he was stuck with Claudia, when all he wanted was the warrior woman. When you came in, he was smirking at me, as if he had won. The sand all over you two, I don't know. I lost it. I'm sorry, Kristy. I'm trying so hard," he paused again, "I'm weak but I'm trying. For you. For us. I love you so much." When he first pulled me close to him, so we were spooning, I felt so stiff and rigid. Now I felt myself relax.</p><p>"I wish you trusted me," I whispered, "I'm not into Alan. I never will be. I love you."</p><p>"I know, Kristy, I know. I've been kicking myself all day. How could I have lost it like that? I thought I was over that. I don't want to be become that man again. I can't," he replied, pulling me closer. He moved his hand under the waist band of my pj pants. I often slept without wearing any underwear and he knew it, "I don't want to lose you. Please, Kristy, forgive me?"</p><p>"I forgive you," I said, sighing. What else could I do? I didn't want to lose him and he was probably right. It was a simple relapse. It didn't mean anything. It wouldn't change who he was now. He slid his hand lower and began to finger me. He knew it would relax and energize me at the same time.</p><p>"Can we make up?" he whispered into my ear, kissing it, "I don't want to go to bed with you mad at me," He began to massage down there, making me moan a little. He always had magic fingers, "I want to make love to you. I want to show you how much you mean to me." I nodded, my eyes half closed in pleasure. He kissed my neck and my jaw line, his fingers still working their magic. He wanted me to organism. I could feel him hard against me. Neither of us cared if anyone else heard, at that moment. Hell, Erica and Austin didn't care if we heard them.</p><p>As Cary continued to touch and stimulate me, all my worries and fears disappeared. This was Cary Retlin here. This was the man I loved more than anything. The man I wanted to be with, give myself to in everyway. I turned my head to kiss him. He pushed himself against me, as I tingled with pleasure. No one else would make me feel like this. No one else could make me feel like this. If he was that horrible abusive man he used to be, he wouldn't be able to make me feel like this.</p><p>As he pulled off my pants, I whispered to him that I loved him. It was okay. Everything was fine between us.</p><p>If I had any worries about Cary, they were quickly forgotten. The next week was amazing. The freedom from the stress of life was exactly what I needed. It was nice to spend an afternoon lying on the beach, or get up in the morning for a sunrise jog, which Cary started joining me. He liked jogging as much as I did. He and I had little dates through out the week too, even if it was just to get away from the drunken antics of our friends.</p><p>In truth, I was worried about Dawn. She seemed to try to distract herself from me and Claudia. It was as if now that she told us, it reminded her every time she looked at us. Maybe it did. I noticed Claudia was acting differently towards her. Once upon a time, Claudia would laugh and egg Dawn on for her sexual adventures, now Claudia was trying to convince her to lay off on the guys. Dawn would score a date with a different guy every night. During the day, Dawn wasn't hanging with us. She befriended the college guys down the road from our beach house and spent a lot of time there. It wasn't until Sunday when she told us that "the guys" wanted to meet her "fabulous friends." As we walked down the beach, Dawn nudged me and told me that Cameron was hers. She whispered in my ear that he was great in bed. I wondered why she would tell me that but figured it was because Claudia suddenly didn't want to hear it.</p><p>Their house was exactly like ours. There were four guys, all who were juniors at New York University. There was Michael, who was into sports and was always on the beach. He had a dark tan and sun-bleached hair. When we approached the house, he had a softball glove on and was playing catch. Next was Rick, who was African American. He was sitting on the porch, reading a thick textbook. Dawn ran up to him and gave him a huge kiss. When Dawn introduced us, she said he was the resident nerd. He was taking pre-med and was constantly studying. As she was introducing us, the dark haired Daniel and the ever sexual Cameron came out of the house. Cameron came over and picked Dawn up. She giggled like a kid. The bunch of us sat around the porch. Daniel went back into the house and gave us each one his famous cocktails. Dawn, who was in a giggling flirting mood, which I had never witnessed with her before, claimed it was the best drink ever.</p><p>We sat out on the porch, drinking and chatting. Claudia, surprisingly, hit it off with Rick. Dawn and Cameron disappeared in the house. Erica and Austin hit it off with Daniel, and as the sun began to set, the three of them disappeared inland to go drinking. It left us with Michael, Cary, Alan and myself. Of course we started talking about baseball. Michael played at his school and was trying to get recruited into the professionals. He said it wasn't really his dream to play, but it was something he was good at and it was fun. He said he wouldn't mind studying law but it scared him to get into something that he didn't know that he would enjoy for certain. I completely agreed.</p><p>"Like I know I enjoy running a business, like I did when I was younger, but I'm afraid if it gets to the professional level, it's going to be all about the competition and it won't be so enjoyable," I said.</p><p>"Plus you'll turn back into that extreme dictator you were before," Alan added. I glared at him, which caused the entire group to laugh. Cary put his arm around me.</p><p>"You were bit nuts before," he said, "Remember the BSC mystery war in grade eight?" I laughed, remembering that stupid war with Cary. I remembered how he slipped my watch off my wrist without me knowing. He never did tell me how he did that.</p><p>"Yeah, well, it's what made me such a good president," I replied, flipping my hair off my shoulder, "If I recall, I totally won that war." I stuck my tongue out at him. Alan stood up.</p><p>"I'm out of my drink," he shook his glass, "Care, come with me and help me find something in the house. I'm sure we can interrupt Claud and Rick." Cary kissed me on the cheek and followed Alan into the house.</p><p>"You and Cary are pretty serious, aren't you?" Michael asked, moving to sit next me on the steps. I nodded.</p><p>"Yeah," I answered, "We have been together for a while." He didn't say anything for a moment.</p><p>"He's a pretty lucky guy," Michael said, his voice low. He looked at me. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was hitting on me. That was absolutely ridiculous. He wouldn't do that, not with Cary in the house, coming out any moment.</p><p>"Hmmm," I replied, uncertain what to say. I turned to glance at the house, to see if Cary was coming, but Michael leaned forward and kissed me. My eyes flew open. What the hell he was doing? I pulled back and jumped to my feet.</p><p>"What the hell are you doing?" I hissed. The front door opened and Cary and Alan stepped out. Michael shrugged but didn't reply. I turned to Cary, who didn't look at me. I wondered how much he saw. I prayed he didn't see anything. Alan passed me a drink but I shook my head.</p><p>"I'm getting tired," it was a lame excuse. It was still relatively early, "I'm going to go home." I passed Michael as I walked down the stairs. I could feel his eyes on me. I heard Cary say good bye and followed me. I quickened my step.</p><p>"What's that about?" Cary asked, as he caught up with me.</p><p>"Michael kissed me when you were inside," I said, "Totally out of the blue. We were just talking about how you and I were serious then he kissed me!" I glanced at Cary, "I shoved him off right away but still. I didn't want to stay." I looked at Cary again. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it.</p><p>"I believe you," he said, "We just won't go back there. Those people are a little weird anyway." I stopped walking and looked at Cary. He believed me. I figured he would get mad and accuse me of hitting on Michael first. I immediately felt bad. I was expecting the worse out of Cary. He had changed. He did. I hugged him tight.</p><p>The next day the college guys came over to our house. I couldn't avoid Michael, who kept making goo-goo eyes at me. Dawn came out, dressing super skanky. She wore a short white skirt that barely covered her ass and a bikini top. Dawn declared she was going to make everyone lunch and that we were to wait on the porch for her. Then she practically pranced into the kitchen. Claudia grabbed my arm and pulled me outside, away from everyone else.</p><p>"We have to do something about Dawn," Claudia declared.</p><p>"Like what?" I asked.</p><p>"You are the one of the great ideas!" Claudia exploded, "You think of something! Dawn is completely out of control and this week has proven it. She's totally whoring herself to all those guys. Rick told me about it. They are actually paying her to do sexual favours. Dawn is destroying herself and we can't sit around letting her do it!" I looked back at the house.</p><p>"If she doesn't want to admit it, what can we do?" I asked. Claudia laughed bitterly.</p><p>"'If she doesn't want to admit it,'" Claudia mimicked me, "Don't be so stupid. Why not give her the gun with that attitude? I know you think I'm a little wild. I like to play hard. I don't see anything with getting wasted or high. I don't see anything wrong with a little fun but what Dawn is doing is more than fun. She's trying to numb herself to the pain. Damnit, Kristy, she was raped! Doesn't that mean anything to you? Don't you get it?" I glared at her. Didn't I get it? Did I not know that raw empty feeling of when someone forces himself on you? That feeling of panic and fear as he holds your hands above your hand and pushes himself into you? That feeling of utter despair as tears slid down your cheeks as he has sex with an empty shell of you? No. I had no idea. None. I took a deep breath. Not that Claudia knew any of it. Not that I would open up and tell her but she was the last one to act all high and mighty.</p><p>"I get it," I snapped, "I'll talk to her right now but if she doesn't want to admit it, we can't do anything but be there for her when she needs us." I pushed past Claudia, going through the front down. I heard one of the guys protest that I wasn't allowed in but I didn't really care.</p><p>Dawn was in the kitchen, chopping up vegetables. She was humming. She seemed happy.</p><p>"Need help?" I asked as I sat down on one of the wooden kitchen chairs. She jumped, completely in her own world.</p><p>"I thought I asked everyone to stay out," she said, smiling at me. I shrugged.</p><p>"Just wanted to talk," I said. Dawn's smile faded. She put the knife down and looked at me.</p><p>"Kristy, not you too. Claudia wouldn't shut up last night. I suppose she told you about my arrangement with the guys," I nodded, "Whatever. It's not a big deal. It's not like they are taking advantage of me. It was actually Cameron's idea. They were whining about how hard it was in a relationship and how much they wanted the perk benefits. They didn't want to be tied up with a girl right now. I was whining how I wanted money so that the second I was finished SHS I could just disappear. I could travel the world. So Cameron proposed that I do them some favours in exchange for cash. I didn't care, I mean, have you seen them? They are hot, hot, hot!" Dawn smiled, "So it's not the way I imagined getting a job. It's not the way I ever thought I'd end up but it's fun. It's enjoyable. Plus it's over as soon as I say I'm done. As I told Claud, I lost my power when I was raped. That bastard took it away from me but now it's time for me to get it back. If I choose when and where and with who, I'm in control. Kristy, I'm calling the shots. I'm getting my power back."</p><p>"Do you think you would be doing this if you weren't raped?" I asked. She smirked at me.</p><p>"Who knows?" she said. She turned back to her vegetables and began chopping again, "Maybe I'd be like Mary Anne still, this pristine little virgin. Or maybe I'd be like Stacey, the school slut. Or maybe I'd be like you, with the perfect boyfriend at my side. Who knows? Maybe I would have fallen down this path even without that party. I just don't see the point playing the what if game. This is my life. I'm regaining my power and I don't care what anyone else thinks," Dawn looked at me, "Seriously. I know Claudia is all bent out of shape about this but I'm okay with it. The second I think I'm out of my league, I'm stopping," Dawn flashed me another smile, "You know Michael thinks you are pretty hot. He keeps asking me to get you to play too. Tonight we are doing some big sex party. I'm going to get to have my fun with each of them. I know Michael would pay a pretty penny to have you there." I stood up.</p><p>"That's too far, Dawn," I snapped, "I came in here because I care about you. I don't want you to get hurt. If you think you are fine, then I'm not going to butt in but don't try to get me involved. I'm with Cary." I started to walk out of the kitchen.</p><p>"And how's that going for you? Don't think no one has noticed there is trouble in paradise. I'm sure you think whatever caused you to break up in the first place is all better now, but men don't change. He's going to hurt you again and again," I turned and faced my friend. Her eyes were cold, "That is if he hasn't started already. You know where to find me if you need help." She turned her back on me and I stood there for a moment, shocked. The only sound in the kitchen was the steady chop of her knife. Finally, I turned and left; my heart pounding.</p><p>After Dawn's introduction of the college guys, they spent a lot of time with our group. We were always at each other's houses. Well, I didn't go over there. Whenever they were here, I avoided them. I also avoided Dawn. I knew I probably shouldn't but her last comments really got to me. I had told Cary about her comments about Michael and he was pretty upset with her too. He wanted to talk to her and get everything out in the open but I asked him not to, after all he wasn't supposed to know about the rape. Not only that, I didn't want him to fight my battles for me. I was going to deal with Dawn. I didn't want to lose another friendship but I wanted to wait until we were away from Sea City. I wanted to believe she wasn't doing the same in Stoneybrook and on that premise that once she was home, she would realise her mistake. Yet a part of me knew that this wasn't the first time she was selling herself. A part of me wondered if that was the real reason why she left California. Maybe her pimp there got too possessive of her. Maybe she thought she could get away from that like in wholesome Stoneybrook. Either way, I was going to talk to her back at home. I hoped the change of scenery would make things easier.</p><p>At least Dawn would have Claudia to lean on, that was if she didn't push Claudia away. On Monday night, I had gone downstairs and heard the two of the arguing. Dawn had said she was sick and tired of listening to Claudia preach at her. Claudia was pleading with her to just stop and think about her actions. I wished I had Mary Anne to talk to. She would know more about handling her sister. Yet I doubted Mary Anne knew half of Dawn's problems. I wondered how involved Mary Anne was with her new life to stop and take notice of her hurting sister. I knew when Mary Anne left for New York the sisters were still on bad terms. Mary Anne didn't seem to want to forgive Dawn. I wondered if there was more to the story in California than Mary Anne let on.</p><p>It was early Tuesday morning, out of my morning jog I decided to call Sunny Winslow. It was a crazy idea and Cary was trying to talk me out of it but I knew if anyone knew what trouble Dawn was in, Sunny would be able to tell me. I knew Mary Anne told me that Sunny didn't run in the same circles as Dawn did but I had to try. Before returning to the house, I purchased a calling card from the store and the second I was finished in the shower, I grabbed my cell phone and dialled Sunny's number. I had hoped it was the same number as it was back in grade eight, when I had written it down in my address book.</p><p>"Winslow residence," a male voice answered the phone.</p><p>"Hi, my name is Kristy Thomas, would Sunny be available?" I asked, trying to sound professional. The man on the other line hesitated.</p><p>"Hold a moment, Kristy," then I heard him put the phone down. I held my breath, holding Sunny would hold the answer to all my questions. It was silly, I know.</p><p>"Hey," I recognized Sunny's voice right away.</p><p>"Sunny, it's Kristy Thomas calling," before I could get another word in, Sunny interrupted.</p><p>"Hey! Kristy!" she exclaimed; her voice loud and chipper, "How are you doing?"</p><p>"I'm doing alright," I replied, "I wanted to call about Dawn." I heard Sunny sigh.</p><p>"Who isn't?" she said, "Mary Anne used to call about Dawn. Maggie, Ducky and Amalia used to call all the time. She doesn't talk to me. She hasn't since I had Alexandra. I just couldn't be a part of her world when I had my baby girl. I couldn't expose it to her."</p><p>"I understand but Dawn is in some pretty serious trouble. I want to be able to help her but I need to know how long she has been involved with this. Did she," I paused, trying to think of way to put it, "I mean, was she," again I pushed. Sunny interrupted.</p><p>"I think I know what you are asking and the answer is I think so. Like I said, Dawn and I were in different crowds. It was her choice. She wanted to go down that path and there was nothing any of us could do to stop her. You can't save her, Dawn," Sunny paused for a moment, "From what I hear, you need to focus on saving yourself." It was my turn to sound annoyed.</p><p>"Thanks for your advice, Sunny," I replied, "I just wanted to know more. I wanted to know how deep she was in. You helped a lot." I said good- bye and hung up the phone before Sunny could reply.</p><p>I knew there was nothing more I could do. Sunny hadn't really answered any of my questions and I knew, even if she did, I couldn't do anything for her. I would talk to her in Stoneybrook, I promised myself. We would deal with everything then.</p><p>By Wednesday, I could tell everyone was getting restless. The beach had lost its appeal. The town was now common place. The restaurants were tiresome. As a result of the boredom, we became restless with each other. Erica and Austin were constantly bickering. At once point Erica told me that she was going to break up with Austin for good. She didn't feel like anything positive came out of their relationship. Claudia and Alan seemed to be fighting too. They seemed to be really close at the beginning of the week. So much so I wondered if they had mended their relationship but now Claudia seemed to be avoiding him. Dawn was rarely at the house and we didn't ask where she went. I didn't really want to know.</p><p>Wednesday afternoon we were sitting on the beach. Claudia had just tossed aside her sketch book and announced that she was bored. Michael, Rick and Daniel had joined us. Alan suggested we go for a swim. Claudia ignored him and whined that there was nothing to do.</p><p>"Let's play a game of Frisbee," Cary suggested, "I thought I saw one in the house. I haven't played with one of those in a lifetime." Claudia jumped to her feet, eager to do something. Cary ran back to the house and quickly found it. While he was gone, we divided ourselves into teams. Cary, Claudia, Austin and I were on one team. Erica, Michael, Alan, Daniel were on the other. Rick decided he would simply watch.</p><p>The rules were basic enough. We made goal lines and we had to toss it in. It quickly became a contact sport. At one point, Alan had caught the green flying disc and was about to launch it towards the goal when Daniel tackled him. It was fair game again. Cary and I were a great team on our own. We would watch each other and cover for each other as we tossed it to other members. The game got really intense as we keep tying with each other. As soon as one team would score a point, the other would get one too.</p><p>We played for a good hour. One team would score, than the other. Finally, we were tired and sweaty. Yet none of wanted to admit defeat. We decided to play sudden death. Whoever scored first would win the game. For the first few minutes, whoever got the disc was immediately tackled. Finally, I got a clear shot and was able to grab the disc. I tucked it under my arm and began to run. Cary was picking himself off the sand from a random tackle from Daniel. I noticed that Alan was covering Claudia, so I couldn't toss to her and that Erica was distracting Austin. Michael was racing after me. I knew that had to be planned. I ran with all everything I had. I needed to get just a bit closer before I could launch the disc at the goal and win. Suddenly, I crashed to the ground, the disc slipping from my fingers. Michael was on top of me. I twisted around, trying to push him off. He smiled at me as I glared at him. Daniel raced past me and grabbed the disc. Michael kept me pinned down. Daniel threw the disc across the beach and it flew into the goal. He had won. Michael looked down at me.</p><p>"Good game," he said and dropped a kiss on my sweaty forehead. I shoved him off.</p><p>"Get a clue," I snapped and headed for the house. I knew everyone would think I was being a sore loser but it was more than that. I didn't like how Michael kept me pinned down, how I wasn't able to get out of his gasp. I always thought I was strong and it bothered me that I felt weak underneath him. I hated that he didn't get the hint that I wasn't interested in him and that he thought it was okay to kiss me. I know what Erica or Alan would say. It was just an innocent kiss. Maybe so but I didn't appreciate his attention.</p><p>I quickly showered, waiting to wash away the grime of the game and his kiss. When I came out, I saw Cary in the bedroom, packing.</p><p>"What's up?" I asked; my wet hair sticking to my shirt making it wet. I knew I should have towel dried it longer.</p><p>"I figured I ought to leave," Cary said, "Leave you alone with your boyfriend."</p><p>"What?" Cary threw something in the suitcase.</p><p>"You heard me. First it was that romp in the sand with Alan and now Michael. You didn't try to hide it. You can't deny it this time. I saw the kiss." I sighed and sat on the bed.</p><p>"Come on, Cary, be reasonable. You know how Michael has been acting." Cary whirled on me.</p><p>"Be reasonable? Is it so unreasonable to assume that my girlfriend wouldn't cheat on me? Or did I miss the memo that on vacation that we can take vacations from our relationships too?" his tone was bitter. I reached out and touched his arm. I needed to calm him down. He flinched at my touch and grabbed my wrist. Within moments, my attempt of a loving touch turned on me. He yanked me to my feet.</p><p>"Do you like to feel cheap, is that it Kristy? What is it about everyone else do you so much enjoy?" he snarled in my face.</p><p>"Cary!" I cried, "Listen to me! I thought we were over this! I thought you trusted me!"</p><p>"Give me one good reason to trust you!" he said, his face mere inches from mine. I felt speechless. I didn't know how to answer him. I remembered the scene in the bathroom. I wondered if Cary would actually leave. I doubt he would take Erica's car.</p><p>My silence seemed to only enrage him more. With a flick of his wrist, he threw me to the ground. I landed with the thud. For the first time, I prayed that someone from the beach would come inside and see this. I prayed that someone would stop Cary.</p><p>"I love you," I whispered, "Cary, please. You have to know it's not true." He laughed bitterly.</p><p>"I know you kissed Alan the moment we broke up. I know you sat in his car in front of your house and made out with him. On the same day we broke up," how did he found that out? "I saw you kiss Michael on that porch. I wasn't going to say anything. I wanted to pretend we were different but now I see you are up to same old tricks. You can't be faithful to me, Kristy. You never could. You could never promise me that I'd be your one and only. I alone was never enough for you. You always had to have something more." Silent tears streamed down my face. Each word felt like a slap to the face.</p><p>"It's not true," I whispered. My words felt empty. How could I get him to listen? Why wouldn't he listen? "I mean, yes. I kissed Alan that night we broke up. I was confused and messed up. It didn't mean anything. I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Cary looked at me. He stared at the crying pathetic mess on the floor, which was me. He knelt down next to me and pulled me into a hug.</p><p>"Let's both leave," he said, "Get out of here. We'll go home and talk. We have been distracted by so much lately. By moving, work and our friends, we don't have any time for us. For you and me. It's destroying us. We are falling into bad habits. Just because our physical relationship is healed doesn't mean the rest of us is. What do you say?" I nodded. We were falling into old habits. If we didn't want to fall down the same road, we needed time to ourselves.</p><p>"You clean up," Cary suggested, kissing me lightly, "I'll finish up in here and tell the others." I nodded again and walked like a zombie to the bathroom. I wiped my face with a piece of toilet paper. I didn't look in the mirror. I knew if I did, I would hate the person looking back at me.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As much as I didn't want to leave Sea City, I was glad to return home. I enjoyed the long carefree days, the beach, the ocean and the sun but a part of me just wanted to back into the swing of things. One of the first things I decided to do after we unpacked was to call work to find out when my next shift was. I figured that as luck would have it I would have to work at opening on my first official day back. I called when Cary left to get groceries.</p><p>"Hey, it's Kristy Thomas," I said when I got through to my supervisor, Diane.</p><p>"Hey girlie," she answered, "How was your trip?"</p><p>"It was fun. I have a nice tan now," I laughed, "Anyway, just calling to see when my next shift was." There was a silence on the other end.</p><p>"Um, Kristy, when Cary came in to book off his two weeks, he told us you were resigning," Diane said.</p><p>"What?" I must have heard her wrong.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Kristy. I know Cary is your boyfriend, so I figured it was legit," Diane said, "But if wires were crossed, well, I don't think we have any openings but I'll see what I can do."</p><p>"No, no," I said quickly, "That's fine. I'm the one who is sorry. I hate to think you'd think I would leave on those terms."</p><p>"Cary said you'd come in yourself but you were busy with the trip. Are you sure you don't want me to see if I can you back in? It wouldn't be like before but until there is something?"</p><p>"No thanks, Diane. I'll talk to you later," I hung up the phone, stunned. How could Cary do that to me? What more, he didn't even tell me! I paced around the apartment until he came home. It seemed to take forever. I couldn't believe he would do that. There must be some horrible misunderstanding. Maybe he said I was requesting the time off and they thought I was quitting. He wouldn't have done something like that. I just couldn't believe it. Finally he came home.</p><p>"I called work," I said, as I grabbed a couple of bags from his hands, "Diane got the message that I quit," I began to take the food out and put it on the counter. He didn't reply, "Apparently, you told them that I didn't want to return after my holidays. I have a real hard time believing that."</p><p>"Do you?" Cary asked, grabbing the bread and putting in it in the fridge, "The way you are talking, it sounds like you believe I would do something like that."</p><p>"I doubt you would," I replied, grabbing the jar of peanut butter and putting it away, "It's just weird they got that impression, that's all. Either way, there is no work for me now." Cary stood in front of me, preventing me from grabbing something else to put away.</p><p>"Kristy, seriously, do you think I would quit for you?" he asked, "This is what I was talking about in Sea City. You keep expecting the worse from me. I can see it in how you talk, how you try to dance around certain issues. You keep thinking I'm going to turn back into that monster. Now you think I would try and control your life like that?" Immediately I felt bad. Diane was a bit of an air head. She often got her messages confused. I remember one day I didn't get a break because she thought I had gone already. It wasn't unusual for me to check over my hours to make sure I got paid enough. Diane was nice enough; just she made a lot of errors. I hugged Cary.</p><p>"I'm a doofus," I said, "I know you wouldn't do anything like that. Thinking anything else would be foolish." Cary squeezed me, resting his chin on top of my head.</p><p>"Guess this means you'll be out looking for work now," he said, "Bringing home the bread is up to me now." He kissed the top of my head and we returned to putting away the food.</p><p>"Cary," I started, grabbing a couple of the apples to put in the crisper, "I don't always expect the worse from you. I do believe in you and trust you," I hesitated, trying to find the right words. For a moment I thought how proud Charlie would be of me. He was always telling me I needed to think before I spoke. I knew saying what I was thinking wouldn't go over well. I doubted saying, "It's actually you who thinks the worse of me and it's not like you haven't reverted back to the man you once were." No, I had to say it tactfully. He touched my arm after I put away the fruit.</p><p>"It's like what I was talking about in Sea City," he said, "We haven't quite moved past what happened. We keep saying we want to start fresh but I can see it in your face that you haven't let go. I struggle too," he pulled me close into his arms. I rested my head against his chest, "We'll work on it. Just you and me."</p><p>We decided that the next couple of days we would focus on us. We turned off the cell phone and spent the first day at home. We talked about our future and what we wanted from life. Cary confessed he was trying to save money to buy an engagement ring. We talked about having children. We talked about moving away from Stoneybrook and starting fresh somewhere else. It was nice to know we still wanted the same things. It was reassuring to know we both wanted each other in our lives, despite our past.</p><p>We talked about our friends, both present and past. I confessed that I missed Mary Anne's friendship and that I wondered how she was doing in New York. I hoped the city of her dreams was everything she wanted it to be. I wondered how Stacey was treating her. We talked about Dawn and her path. Cary wondered if it would be wise to cut ties to her. He thought she was dangerous and she may even try to get me involved in her new lifestyle. I laughed it off, saying it would be a cold day in hell before that happened. I wondered how long it would take for Sharon and Richard to catch on to what their daughter was doing. We talked about Alan and his friendship with Cary. He admitted it was still rocky between them. Despite how they acted like best buds, Cary knew Alan was still into me. I asked if it matter, since I wasn't into Alan at all. It mattered to Cary, however. He wanted a friend he could trust and he wouldn't put it past Alan to put the moves on me.</p><p>Later that evening, we talked about our past. I told him about the kiss with Alan and how confused I was. I told him it hasn't meant anything, I was probably drunk. Cary forgave me. We talked about what happened in Sea City and we renewed our promises to start fresh with each other. We made love that night and with each breath we whispered how much we loved each other.</p><p>After that, Cary fell asleep. He snored quietly beside me. I couldn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling, thinking. I love him. I love him. I love him. How many times did I whisper that in his ear? How many times did he whisper it back? How many times that day did I feel like that exactly where I was supposed to be? So why did I feel so uneasy? I looked over at Cary. The sheets were gathered at his hips, showing his chest. I loved him. I love him. I rolled over and grabbed my cell phone. It told me it was three in the morning. I grabbed a shirt and walked out to the living room. I needed to talk to someone. I needed a friend. I flipped open the cell, my fingers debating between Dawn and Mary Anne. Would Mary Anne even talk to me? I pushed the green talk button, hoping that she didn't change her phone number. She wouldn't be happy to be woken up at this hour but I needed to talk to her. I had to talk to someone.</p><p>"Hello?" Mary Anne answered, sounding perfectly awake.</p><p>"Hey," I said, quietly. I looked down the hall, hoping I wouldn't wake Cary up. I probably wouldn't. He was usually a sound sleeper.</p><p>"Kristy?" Mary Anne sounded surprised, "What's wrong?"</p><p>"Nothing," I said, "I missed you. We never got to talk things out."</p><p>"It's three in the morning."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"What's wrong? Is it Cary? Did he hurt you again?"</p><p>"It's not like that, Mary Anne," I said, sighing, "I love him. He loves me. He's changed."</p><p>"Then why didn't you tell me you moved in together? Why keep it from me? Why call me so late at night if nothing is wrong?" Mary Anne asked, "Kristy, I know you. I know you wouldn't be calling unless something was wrong. I also know you aren't the same Kristy you used to be. You used to be strong and now you let him control you. You would have never let me go to New York without talking to me. You would have called the next day and asked how things were with me and Stacey. You wouldn't be avoiding the topic, like you are now. Tell me, what has he been doing?"</p><p>"It's nothing," I insisted, "Things are better than before. He's such a great man, Mary Anne, he really is. We get along so great."</p><p>"But?"</p><p>"But he still doesn't trust me," I whispered, "He hit me again. I don't want him to be that man. I know he can be so different."</p><p>"Kristy, you have to face the fact that he is that man. He won't change over night. He can't. He may love you. He probably does but there is also something very wrong with him. If he loved you, like you ought to be loved then you wouldn't be up at three in the morning calling me. You wouldn't feel so confused. It would feel right."</p><p>"It does," I said.</p><p>"But not all the time, does it?" I didn't say anything for a moment. Tears steamed down my face silently. I hated that she was right. I hated that she was confirming my fears.</p><p>"I don't want to lose him, Mary Anne. I can't. I love him. I have never felt like this before."</p><p>"I know," she paused, "Stacey and I aren't together anymore. We are still roomies and we are actually public friends. We regularly go out for coffee but that's it. When I moved in here, I had a choice. I loved Stacey. I really did. I loved how I felt when I was with her and I loved how she made me feel. When she was the girlfriend I wanted her to be, she was the woman of my dreams. Stacey wasn't that girl all the time. As much as I wanted her to change, she would always be Stacey. I had a decision to make. Either I could allow myself to be used like that or I could end it. If it was meant to be, she'd respect that. She wouldn't try to force her way back into my life. She would work on being the girl she knew I deserved. Stacey isn't ready for that level of commitment yet. It's better for both of us. Maybe in the future, when she is ready, we'll try again but in the meantime, we make good friends.</p><p>"What I'm trying to say is, maybe that's what it needs to be with you and Cary right now. Maybe you can't be in that relationship, not yet. If it was meant to be, you'll get back together. He will be that man you know that is in there. If it's not, well, Kristy you have to get away from him before he destroys you. You know what he is capable of. This is your decision, Kristy," Mary Anne paused, "I'm going to be stick by you with this one. No matter what you decide, I will be there for you."</p><p>"Thank you," I whispered, "I don't know what I'll do. I love him so much but-" Suddenly the phone was taken from my hand. Cary grabbed it and threw it across the room. The light died as it hit the wall. Cary glared at me.</p><p>"Cary," I said, "I was just-" He cut me off again.</p><p>"I heard. 'He hit me again,'" he mimicked me. His voice was so cold, "The second I leave you alone, you run and call for help? Was tonight all a joke for you?" He stood right in my face, "Maybe you liked it when I forced myself on you, since this means nothing." He grabbed my arm and tossed me on the couch. He pulled my shirt up and climbed on top of me.</p><p>"Cary!" I cried, "No! It wasn't like that at all! I love you!" He slapped me across the face.</p><p>"That means nothing when you go calling whoever and telling them our secrets!" he snarled, "Tell me, Kristy, when I woke up, were you going to kick me out? Tell me it was over? That it was fun but you just didn't feel it anymore?"</p><p>"No!" I sobbed, "But it's moments like this that scares me! Cary! Please!" He hit again. I knew it would leave a mark.</p><p>"There wouldn't be moments like this if it weren't for you!" he said, "I love you, Kristen Amanda Thomas. I love you so much! I don't ever want to lose you," he pulled me into an awkward embrace, "You do things like this and I think I'm going to lose you. I need you." I didn't say anything. I was trying to calm down and stop crying. If he was so afraid, why did he keep doing these things? Why did he keep hitting me? He stood up and walked over to the phone. He picked it up. I pulled my knees close to me and tried to make myself as small as I could. My face throbbed from where he hit me. He knelt next to me.</p><p>"Your phone seems fine," he said, "The battery just fell out," he paused and touched my arm, "Kristy, talk to me?"</p><p>"How can I still love you when you act like this?" I whispered, "How can I still want to be with you when you hurt me so much?" He looked so sad and he wrapped his arm around me. His anger had disappeared and was replaced with regret.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I am so sorry."</p><p>"I've heard that before," I responded, pulling myself into a tighter ball.</p><p>My left cheek was discoloured in the morning. I could see the bruise underneath. My eyes were red from crying and my hair hung limp around my face, as if it had just barely survived the battle too. I stared at myself in the mirror. Neither of us had fixed the battery on my phone. I knew Mary Anne would be trying to call back. She would probably be imagining the worse. She would probably be right. I wondered if she would call and talk to Dawn, just to make sure I was okay. I sighed. Dawn and everyone were coming back from Sea City today. I knew they would want to come over and tell us about the rest of the trip but I wasn't in the mood to talk to people. I definitely wasn't in the mood to play with the cover-ups to hide the bruise.</p><p>Cary came into the bathroom and touched my cheek. He winced.</p><p>"Kristy," I held up my hand, silencing him. I'm so sorry.</p><p>"I know," I said, not wanting to hear it. It didn't change anything. The bruise was still on my face. He still hit me last night. He totally lost it. I looked into his brown eyes. I didn't know what to say to him. What could I say to him? I left the bathroom. He followed me.</p><p>"Kristy, we have to talk about this," he said. No, we really didn't. I could continue to avoid it. I went back to the living room. I had finally cried myself to sleep on the couch last night.</p><p>"It can't happen again," I said, trying to make my voice sound strong, "It simply can't. I won't be your punching bag anymore. I love you but we can't keep doing this." Cary sat down next to me and took my head. He rubbed a spot on my hand with this thumb.</p><p>"I know," he said, "Things will change," he squeezed my hand, "I'd die without you in my life," he looked at me and smiled, "We'll both work on this."</p><p>Cary made breakfast. I tried to push everything behind me. I told myself it was the last time. If it ever got close to anything like that again, I was gone. I would heal from a broken heart. Even if I didn't and I spent the rest of my life alone, it would be fine. I knew I couldn't allow Cary to continue hurting me like that. I couldn't allow myself to continue to be a battered woman. I wasn't going to allow myself to be weak. Mary Anne's words of how I changed haunted me. It bothered me that I was being seen as weak. I wasn't going to be weak anymore. I was making a decision and I was going to stick with it.</p><p>By the time breakfast was over, I found myself relaxing some. The tension between us was fading. We fixed my cell phone. I had a couple of text messages from Mary Anne, begging me to call her back. Cary didn't say anything. I quickly responded that my phone battery died and I needed to recharge it. I promised to call her later. I knew I wouldn't. I didn't want to lie to Mary Anne about what happened and I knew, despite her promise to stick by me, she would be disappointed by my decision to stay with Cary.</p><p>The next few weeks were weird. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I think Cary felt the same. We were trying to put the past couple of weeks behind us. We tried to act as if nothing happened. It took a while for me to relax in Cary's arms and I know he flinched every time he saw my face. As the bruises faded, we began to interact normally again. I could almost pretend everything was normal between us.</p><p>It was weird for him to go to work while I stayed at home. I had made my resume to send out but I needed copies of it. Cary took my USB key with him so he could make copies. Every day so far he had forgotten. The days were long and boring. Claudia and Dawn were back in school, and Erica was attending Stoneybrook University. I didn't feel close enough to call up Austin to hang out and hanging out with Alan seemed out of the question. It wasn't that I couldn't hang out with him, but at the present moment hanging out with just the two of us seemed to inviting trouble. So I became the perfect housewife and a part of me hated me because of it.</p><p>I hated not going to school or work. I hated not doing anything with myself. Cary would wrap his arms around me and promise me that the next day he would make the copies for me. When I offered to do it myself, he would kiss my forehead and said that he was near the copier store and that he would do it.</p><p>One day I was bored to tears. It wasn't like me to sit there and do nothing. I knew the television would provide me no entertainment so I decided to leave the apartment early and try to convince Dawn or Claudia to skip a day. I knew it wouldn't be hard to do that. I took the bus to Stoneybrook High and waited for them by the front doors, knowing they would sneak in the last second. I was right.</p><p>"Kris!" Dawn screamed and ran up to me, wrapped herself around me in a hug. I felt bad. I hadn't called or hang out with them since they came back from Sea City, almost three weeks ago.</p><p>"I almost thought Cary had eaten you alive," Claudia said, smiling, "You two have been wrapped in each other, eh?" I shrugged.</p><p>"Just focusing on us," I said, "We realised we have been distracted by a lot of other things lately." Dawn smiled at me.</p><p>"Whatever! You are here now," she put her arm around my shoulder and led me away from the school, "Where shall we go?" Claudia followed us.</p><p>"Anywhere!" she cried, "Not here!" We left the school property, laughing. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, just by seeing my friends. We began walking, without a plan in mind.</p><p>"Mary Anne called me last night," Dawn announced, "She invited me up this weekend to see her new apartment. She also wants me- get this- meet her girlfriend!" Claudia tripped on her feet.</p><p>"Mary Anne is a fucking lesbian?" she cried. The three of us were so loud.</p><p>"Apparently, so," Dawn said, flipping her blonde hair off her shoulder, "Sharon and Richard darlings don't know so she asked me to keep it a secret," Dawn looked at me, "Aren't you shocked? I mean, Mary Anne likes the girlies! Oh! She's sickening happy with this one too! Apparently they met in some intro to psych class and just clicked. Something about being out of Serendipity, they apparently were grabbing the same book and whatever. I spaced during the details but her name is Ashley and Mary Anne wants me to meet her."</p><p>"You going to go?" I asked, wonderin why I didn't get any notice of Mary Anne's new girlfriend. We had made up. I pushed the logical answer out of my head. I never did call her back.</p><p>"Totally," Dawn said, "I get a free weekend in New York! Just imagine the clubs!"</p><p>"Yeah," Claudia grumbled, obviously still upset about Mary Anne, "Just imagine all the money you can make." Dawn sighed, her smile disappearing.</p><p>"Whatever, Claud," she said, "I'm not going to let you ruin this for me."</p><p>"What?" I asked, looking between the two of them, "Did I miss something?"</p><p>"Lots," Dawn said, then took off running to the park on Locust Avenue. She ran to the swings and began to swing, pumping herself high into the air. Claudia and I walked over. Claudia sat down on the swing, still pouting. I wondered what her deal was.</p><p>"Erica and Austin are offically over," Dawn said, as she swung past me, "Erica decided that she actually wants to do well in University and didn't need Austin's drunkiness and cravings for sex to distract her. Austin called her stuck up. So don't expect Erica to hang around with us for the next while," Dawn suddenly jumped off the swing and landed on the grass. As she stood up, I noticed grass stains on her jeans. She didn't seem to care, "Claud and Alan have hooked up. Again. That happened in Sea City but didn't share until last week. Our dear artist is in a funk because Alan actually wants a relationship and Claudia doesn't know if she can give that to him."</p><p>"Oh shut up, Dawn," Claudia said, "It's not that at all. Alan is just Alan, you know? I have an amazing time with him. He's like one of my best friends. I can tell him anything but when it comes down to it, I just don't see myself with him forever. I don't see him being the One. How can I commit myself to a relationship when I knew it's going to end?"</p><p>"Then don't," I replied. I laid down on the grass, shading my eyes with the sun, "Don't limit yourself and don't string him along."</p><p>"If it was always that easy, Kristy," Claudia said, "I don't want to hurt him. Plus it's not like I don't have feelings for him. I have all these unresolved feelings for him and I feel wonderful whenever we hook up but it's the long term I have trouble seeing."</p><p>"You'll both get over the heartbreak," I said, "You may be blocking someone amazing from coming into your life by tying yourself up with Alan." Claudia nodded, looking glum.</p><p>"Next topic please!" Dawn proclaimed, "Kristy, what have you been doing? I went by the store and was told you aren't working there anymore." I told her about the store's misunderstanding and how I was looking for work. The topic of my life quickly died. I had nothing to report. I barely left the apartment for the past three weeks.</p><p>Suddenly my cell phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my pocket.</p><p>"Where are you?" It was a text from Cary.</p><p>"With D &amp; C," I responded and put the phone back in my pocket. Dawn, clearly bored, began to tell a story about something that happened at school the other day.</p><p>"What? I didn't know you were going out," Cary sent another message. Half listening to Dawn's story, I typed my reply back.</p><p>"Last minute plans. Got bored in the apartment. Be home by the time you are."</p><p>"I got out of work early. I wanted to do something special for you."</p><p>"Aww. Cary, you are so sweet. I'll be home in a few hours, okay?"</p><p>"I guess. I just really want to see you." Dawn tapped my shoulder.</p><p>"Hey, spacey, when you are going to pay attention to my story?" she snapped.</p><p>"I was listening," I said. She rolled her eyes.</p><p>"Argh, Kris. You are so wrapped up with your lover boy," she grabbed my cell from my hand and quickly typed out a message to Cary. She kept twisting, preventing me from getting it from her. I finally grabbed it as she hit sent. "Making out with hot boy. Come back later," it read.</p><p>"Dawn!" I cried, "How could you do that?" I jumped to my feet. How long would it take to get home, I wondered.</p><p>"Relax, Kris. He'll get it's a joke," Dawn said.</p><p>"I got to go," I said, and began to jog off the field.</p><p>"Kristy!" I heard my friends call. I ignored them. I had no way to contact Cary. He was probably texting from the cellular company's webpage. When I responded back, I knew the messages were going to his email inbox.</p><p>As I ran, I punched in "That was Dawn. I'm on my way home." I kept checking my cell every few seconds for a response but Cary didn't answer. I pushed myself faster. I wasn't looking forward to going home but I knew I had to clean this up before it blew out of control.</p><p>As I ran, I wasn't sure what was worse. The fact that I was so worried about how Cary was going to react or how I had to worry how he was going to react and how I ran from my friends. I also know you aren't the same Kristy you used to be. You used to be strong and now you let him control you. Mary Anne's words echoed in my head. I thought about who I used to be. I could barely remember a time without Cary in my life. Were things always like this? I remember there would be time in grade ten when I was cancel plans with Mary Anne to hang out with Cary or I would skip the occasional practice to be with him. Did it start back then? Or did I simply want to be with him? Were things so different between us? We always used to get physical with each other. We used to wrestle all the time. Was that just a different form of what was going on now?</p><p>Or was it completely different because I was terrified of what I was going walk into once I got home? Would he hit me? Would he listen to me? Or did he have it in his mind that I was cheating on him? Would he call me a slut? Would he try to reclaim his dominance over me? I hated thinking like this. This was Cary, for Pete's sake! I could trust him. I loved him. He was my best friend. He was the only one who understood me, who would listen to me. Why was I so afraid now? Was I really as weak as Mary Anne said?</p><p>I came home, my heart pounding. Cary had turned off the computer and was sitting in the living room when I burst through the door.</p><p>"Cary!" I cried, "Please!" He looked at me.</p><p>"I bet it was Dawn, wasn't it?" he asked, "It seems like her stupid style of fun." I guessed he didn't get my last message. I walked over to him and sat next to him on the couch.</p><p>"It was Dawn," I said, hesitantly. He took my hand and smiled at me.</p><p>"This is me working on trusting you more," he said, "I believed you when you said you were with the girls. I believe that you won't cheat on me. Can I have you trust me that I'm not going to lose it?" I lowered my eyes, feeling ashamed. Nothing would change in my mind if I didn't believe him. I thought about my decision to myself, if he ever hit me again. That's was the problem. I kept thinking he would. I kept expecting the worse from him. It was just like before, how I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I rested my head on his shoulder. How could I ever hope we moved past the dark days in our relationship if I kept walking around with an umbrella over my head? I felt bad, so I leaned over and kissed him. He put his arm around me. He trusted me. I didn't need to panic. I curled up with him, breathing deeply, telling myself that I was just being silly.</p><p>Cary seemed like two different men. Some days he was the king of romance. He would take me to dinner, buy me tickets to a local baseball game, and just generally romance me. He was kind, considerate and loving. He would hold me, comfort me and we would have fun. One autumn day we took a walk in the park. The next thing I knew we were wrestling each other, throwing leaves at each other. We were laughing to hard that we were crying. I remember looking at him, thinking it was like the other part of him didn't exist at all. It was moments like that were the reasons I stuck around.</p><p>Cary had a darker side that he was constantly struggling with. He was trying to make amends with his family, but they would have nothing to do with him. I heard his mother on the phone one night telling him that he would never change. He would always be like his father. She told him that he was destined to be like his father, an abuser who would end up in jail. She would never let him around her children again. Cary cried that night. He seemed so broken. I couldn't imagine how it would feel to be so utterly rejected from my mother. I held him close, telling he was nothing like his father. Cary stroked my cheek, remembering past bruises and whispered that he was just like his father. He pulled me close, saying he never wanted to hurt me, he loved me and he didn't want to lose me.</p><p>Yet he struggled with his dark side. I knew things were happening around me that were warning signs but I also saw how hard he fought it. Things like he told me that he liked the idea of me not working, then he knew I was safe. He continued to say that he didn't like it when I worked so late, sometimes practically on my own. He knew that there could be some shady characters come in and he didn't like me exposed to them. It felt to me at first it was more of so he knew where I was but I also understood what he meant. There had been the occasional time I had worked until midnight, or later, and buses weren't running then. I would have to walk home. I knew I could take care of myself and that Stoneybrook was relatively safe, but the worry was still there.</p><p>Another was when he started taking my cell phone with him to work. It started off innocently enough, saying he needed to make a few phone calls. After that he started taking it with him every day. I never said anything but it felt controlling in some ways. He had limited my way to contact others.</p><p>Or another was the fact that we started hanging out with Dawn and the others less and less. I wasn't sure whose fault that was. Dawn was getting caught up in her world. She was skipping school and had started failing her courses. I knew, from the rare time I talked with Claudia, that her parents were extremely worried. She would come home at all hours of the night and she often talked with Claudia about getting her own apartment. Finishing high school didn't seem like a priority to her anymore. She was losing control. I didn't know how to help her. None of us did.</p><p>I noticed all these little things Cary would do, as if he was trying to keep his eye on me, waiting for me to mess up. He would make snarky comments. He always needed to be with me. The only time I had alone was when he was at work. Yet he would present these comments in a strange package. Like the need to be with me, he would present it that he missed me and just wanted to be with me. It confused me. I wanted to believe what he was saying but I couldn't deny what I was feeling.</p><p>I hardly slept at night. There were times I wondered if I was losing my mind and wonder why didn't I just leave if I felt like this? Cary would understand, if it was meant to be. This apartment was driving me insane. I was driving myself insane. It was worse than last time. Before that fateful night, I was in complete denial. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I believed he was having just an off day. Day after day, event after event was just a bad day. He wasn't really like that. Now, I wasn't so sure. I didn't feel so strong in my convictions that Cary wasn't really a bad man, that he wasn't really crushing my spirit. I hated thinking like that but sometimes, after an argument with him, I didn't know what else to think. I knew I had to make a decision but I never knew the right answer. There was something nagging me, asking me what if I was wrong? What if I was being over sensitive? What if I was giving up the man of my dreams over something we could work through together? How could I be so cold to abandon him?</p><p>It was two weeks before Thanksgiving and I was feeling stir crazy. I hadn't left the apartment in over a week. I hated being stuck in the apartment. I didn't have my cell so I couldn't call anyone to see if they wanted to go out for a few hours. We were low on cash, due to the fact I wasn't working, so we stopped our internet service. I waited, impatiently, for Cary to come home. By the time he got home, I was feeling snappish.</p><p>"Let's go out tonight," I said, as soon as he walked through the door.</p><p>"I have to work early in the morning," he said, taking off his shoes. I heaved a big sigh.</p><p>"Cary, I'm in the apartment all day. I'm bored!" I exclaimed. I was in a whiny mood.</p><p>"I worked all day," he replied, "I'm tired. I was looking forward to coming home and cuddling with you. I was looking forward to spend some time with my girl. I missed you so much today." He pulled me close for a kiss. I moved out of his hold, not wanting to stand still. I was bored. I was restless.</p><p>"Please?" I asked, "Just for a couple of hours. Or you stay here and I'll call Dawn or Claud or someone. I just need to get out of here. I'm losing my mind." I was practically jumping from foot to foot, acting like how Karen would. Cary frowned for a moment then pulled me into a warm embrace. He kissed me sweetly.</p><p>"Let's stay home," he whispered in my ear, his hands travelling under my shirt. I pulled away.</p><p>"Let's go out," I repeated. A look of annoyance past through his face.</p><p>"We aren't going out tonight," he said, sitting on the couch, "I want to rest. We'll go out this weekend." He grabbed the TV remote and began to flip through the channels. I wasn't content and grabbed my cell phone from his coat pocket. I began to dial Dawn's number. She was always up for something. Next thing I knew Cary grabbed the phone from my hand and whipped it across the room.</p><p>"Kristy, are you hard of hearing?" he snarled. I glared at him.</p><p>"No. You want to stay home. That's fine. I'm going out," I tried to pass him but he grabbed my arm. I pulled back, trying to get free but failed. With a quick moment, he had me pinned against the wall.</p><p>"We are staying home," he said, staring into my eyes. I took a deep breath, telling myself to calm down. He needed to calm down too.</p><p>"Stay home," I said, "but it's unfair to expect me to stay home 24/7. I'll be back in a few hours."</p><p>"So it's unfair to expect my girlfriend to want to spend time with me? It's unfair to expect my girlfriend to stay home and be happy when I come home? It's unfair to expect her to not want to escape the moment the damn door is opened!" he cried.</p><p>"You have it all wrong!" I protested. He grabbed me by the hair and threw me to the ground. I landed on my stomach. I started to get up and he kicked me back down. I tried to roll to get out of his way but he placed his foot on my back. I was pinned again. He pushed down, making it impossible for me to get out from under him.</p><p>"Cary!" I screamed, "Let me go!" He knelt down, his foot still on my back.</p><p>"So you can run away?" he hissed. He grabbed my hair and yanked, forcing me to look at him.</p><p>"I do so much for you, Kristy and this is how you repay me." He flipped me over on my back.</p><p>"Cary!" I cried again, "Don't do this!" He laughed bitterly.</p><p>"Bitch," he spat then punched me in the face. I was shocked as my face exploded in pain but he wasn't done yet. Twice, three times he hit me. I saw black stars dancing in front of my eyes. I blinked fast, trying to clear my head. He stopped and walked back to the couch.</p><p>"Fucking bitch," he said again. I pulled my knees up to my chest, my side aching where he had kicked me. I didn't want to move yet, I still felt so dizzy. I wondered if I had a slight concussion. I felt so exhausted at that moment. I pulled myself into a tighter ball, as my eyes dropped shut. Maybe I'd wake up and find out this was a horrible dream.</p><p>It wasn't. I woke up, still on the floor. The living room was dark, only the dim moonlight was coming through the windows. I saw up slowing. My whole body ached. My side hurt from his kick. I rolled up my shirt, gently, and saw a faint bruise. My face hurt the most. I gingerly touched it, feeling dried blood. My lip, I knew, had spilt open. I looked around for Cary. I didn't see him. Carefully I stood up and walked to the bathroom. The light hurt my eyes but I needed to see what he had done. I looked at my side first, afraid to see my face. A black bruise greeted me. I touched it lightly and winced. I had gotten injuries in the past from playing sports, but nothing hurt quite like that one. Finally I looked in the mirror. Both eyes were blackened from the punches. My lip looked terrible. I looked pale and sickly. I looked like someone who was beaten. I was someone who was beaten.</p><p>Memories flashed back from that fateful night. I told him I just wanted to go home and do some homework. He smiled and told me how hot I looked in that little skirt. He pushed me on the bed, kissing me. I smiled but told him I couldn't. I needed to try to catch up. He told me I was such a tease, coming to his home looking like that. Didn't I understand he had needs? He kissed me again, I struggled from him, telling him no. He grabbed my wrists, holding them above my head with his one hand, while the other pulled down my underwear. I wanted to scream but instead I begged him not to do this. He kissed me again, still holding my hands up, saying that I wanted this. Why else would I have come to his place? He whispered in my ear that I was his little slut. He undid his pants. He was already hard. I couldn't believe that he was turned on by this. I was crying, still begging him to stop. He didn't.</p><p>I remembered how he looked tonight. Anger flashed in his eyes. He was like someone I didn't recognize. Again he held me down and did whatever he wanted. I stared at myself in the mirror. I didn't look like Kristy Thomas. I looked like some pathetic girl who was lost. I also know you aren't the same Kristy you used to be. You used to be strong and now you let him control you. Cary had destroyed me. I had to get out of here.</p><p>The bathroom door opened and Cary stepped in.</p><p>"I didn't want to move you," he whispered, "I was so afraid. Are you okay?"</p><p>"Leave me alone," I said. I tried to push past him but he touched my arm. I flinched. Apparently I had another bruise there, "I just want to go to bed." Cary looked hurt but nodded. I went into the bedroom and crawled into bed, leaving my clothes on. I couldn't leave yet. I didn't want to try. I had to wait and plan it out.</p><p>Cary followed me into the bedroom and crawled into bed. He inched closer to me slowly until he was right behind me and wrapped his arm around me. I tried to pretend I was asleep. We both knew I wasn't.</p><p>"Kristy," he whispered, his voice barely audible, "I'm so sorry. The words don't even mean enough anymore. I'm just losing myself. I need you. I can't keep going without you. Please don't leave me. Please." I didn't answer. I found myself getting drowsy again. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the pain, trying to ignore the fact that Cary was behind me, trying to forget everything.</p><p>I didn't wake up until morning, when Cary got out of bed. I stayed still until he was about ready to leave for work. He kissed me gently on the head. I still didn't move.</p><p>"Kristy," he said, with a sigh, "I'm so sorry. We'll talk tonight, okay?" I laid in the bed until I heard the door shut behind him. I still didn't move. I still ached. My eyes were sensitive to the light. I didn't want to move but I knew I had to. I had to leave before Cary came back. I forced myself to get up and shower. The hot water only soothed my sore body a bit. I dressed in a pair of blue jeans which were too big for me and a large t-shirt. I grabbed my coat and threw my still wet hair in a ponytail, covering it with a hat. I grabbed my keys and wallet and left the apartment. As I walked down the hall, I wondered where I would go. I had no money. I couldn't go to Claudia or Dawn, without explaining the whole story. I couldn't go home. I couldn't face my parents like this. My head still felt woozy.</p><p>Mary Anne. The thought entered my head. I could call Mary Anne. I pulled out my wallet and checked my change. I had just enough for a quick call. I found a payphone and quickly dropped the change in, praying Mary Anne would be there.</p><p>"Hey, Ash, you called early," Mary Anne purred into the phone.</p><p>"Mary Anne," my voice cracked as I tried to choke back a sob.</p><p>"Kristy?" Mary Anne asked, immediately sounding alarmed, "Are you okay?"</p><p>"No," I whispered, barely getting the words out.</p><p>"What happened?" I didn't answer right away, "Where are you?"</p><p>"By the mall," I said, "Mary Anne…" I couldn't finish my sentence as I began to cry. The tears burned down my face.</p><p>"Stay where you are," Mary Anne commanded, "Ashley and I will be down as soon as we can."</p><p>"Thank you," I whispered.</p><p>"Actually, go into the mall," Mary Anne commanded. I could hear her running, "Sit at the food court. We'll be there as soon as possible." I hang up the phone and walked like a zombie into the mall. I pulled my hood over my head, trying to hide my screwed up face. Tears streamed down my face and as hard as I tried to control my tears, they wouldn't stop.</p><p>The two hours dragged by. I felt so paranoid. Why if Cary came here? What if he left early and saw that I had left? What would he do? I kept walking around the mall, trying to prevent myself from crying. I never felt so low in my life. A part of me wanted to die. Finally, I saw Mary Anne and an unfamiliar girl. I started to walk over then stopped. Maybe I could avoid them. They didn't have to see how bad things had gotten. They didn't need to know. I could just disappear.</p><p>"Kristy!" Mary Anne cried, running towards me. I lowered my head, wanting to hide. She ran over to me and wrapped me in a tight hug. I winced, my bruises protesting. I looked at her. She seemed horrified at first then hugged me again. I could hear her cry.</p><p>"Oh, Kristy, I'm so sorry," she whispered. The other girl, who I assumed was Ashley, touched Mary Anne's arm.</p><p>"This probably isn't the best place to do this," she said, "Let's go back to the car?" I followed them to a black VW Beetle. I crawled into the backseat, pulling my knees up as close to me as possible. Ashley sat in the driver's seat, while Mary Anne twisted around to talk to me from the passenger's side.</p><p>"Kristy, what happened?" she asked. Tears welled up in my eyes again.</p><p>"Cary," I whispered, "I just wanted to go out. I hadn't been out of the apartment in weeks and he lost it. He started hitting me and hitting me," I started to sob again.</p><p>"What are you going to do?" she asked. I took a deep breath, trying to regain control. What did it matter? I had lost control of everything else.</p><p>"What can I do?" I asked, "I can't stay in the apartment with him but I have no where to go. I have no money. I've alienated myself entirely." I closed my eyes, wishing for sudden death. How could he have done this? How could this have happened? Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't things just have been normal? Why couldn't I have a normal relationship with Cary? Why couldn't he just love me as I loved him?</p><p>"Come back to New York with us," Ashley said. Her voice was soft. I looked up at her. She had short brown hair that framed her face in a bob, much like how Mary Anne used to have. She was very feminine, wearing a little make up that brought out her bright blue eyes. She was short and petite, like Mary Anne was. She seemed like my best friend's matching pair.</p><p>"That's an excellent idea," Mary Anne said, "Come to New York for a bit. He won't get you there. Once you have healed a bit, then we can decide what to do. Right now you need to get away from him." I nodded, agreeing to anything. Ashley and Mary Anne decided they would go back to the apartment and get my things. I would stay in the car.</p><p>Within the hour, I was in the back of the Beetle, with a couple of bags of my stuff next to me, driving down the highway to New York City. I knew within an hour or two, Cary would come home and see that I had left him. I wondered what he would do. I wondered if he would try to come after me. Did I even want him to? I didn't know what I wanted. I rested my face against the cool window and listened to Ashley and Mary Anne talk softly to each other. I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. Within minutes I was fast asleep.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Luckily, Stacey wasn't home when we arrived at the apartment. Tigger was clawing at the sofa and ran away when he saw us come in. Ashley said that she was going to make some tea for us. Mary Anne and I sat down on the couch. I curled myself into a ball again, trying to hide from the world. I hated myself for being so weak for so long and for being in this position at all. Mary Anne wrapped an arm around me. I could barely look at her. What did she think when she saw me? Was she as disgusted with me as I was with myself? How could she be as supportive as she was?</p><p>"We need to deal with your apartment," Mary Anne said, "Cary can't stay there. I think we should call your brothers and ask them to deal with it." I shook my head. I couldn't deal with my family. I couldn't deal with their I-told-you-so's just yet.</p><p>"He can't keep staying in there," she said, her voice gentle, "I know you don't want to go home yet and I can understand that but you can't surrender your home to him," Mary Anne paused, thinking for a moment, "Why not call Sam? I'm sure he'd be willing to listen to you," I looked at her, doubtful, "I've talked to him a couple of times since I've moved out here. He's worried about you. It goes without saying that your whole family is, but he calls once every couple of weeks to see if I have heard from you. I'm sure he'd be willing to ask Cary to leave and notify the landlord to change the locks." I nodded, not wanting to have this conversation anymore. I just wanted to pretend none of this happened. Ashley came out of the kitchen, balancing three cups of tea in her hands. She placed them on the coffee table. Mary Anne squeezed my hand.</p><p>"Why don't you go to my room and rest? I'll call Sam," I muttered thanks and retreated to her bedroom. I laid down on her bed, no longer feeling tired. I knew Cary must be home by now. What was he thinking? What would he do? I wondered if he'd go to Dawn or Alan and tell them his version of events. Would he accuse me having someone on the side? I didn't know how to feel. There were too many thoughts running through my head. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep.</p><p>An hour later, Mary Anne popped her head in. I was still lying on the bed, staring at her white ceiling.</p><p>"Hey, Kristy," she said, stepped in and shutting the door behind her, "I called Sam. He promised he's take care of everything. I told him that you'll be staying here for a while and that you'll contact your family when you are ready. Is that okay?" I nodded, "Dawn is on the phone. I know you two are friends. Do you want to talk to her?" I sat up. Dawn was a link to Cary. My Cary. I nodded again.</p><p>"I'll bring the phone to you," Mary Anne offered and left the room. A moment later she returned with her white cordless phone. She smiled at me as she passed it to me.</p><p>"Dawn?" I asked. Mary Anne hesitated for a moment, as if she was wondering if she should stay or give me privacy. She left the room.</p><p>"Kristy!" Dawn cried, "I knew you would be there! Cary called me an hour ago in a panic. He said that your brother had come to the apartment, forcing Cary out, saying that he had beaten you or something! I knew it couldn't be true. No one knows where you were. Cary is driving around the city, looking for you. Kristy, was it going on?" I heard Claudia and Alan in the background. I wondered if Cary was really looking for me or sitting there, next to Dawn, silently, waiting to hear what I said.</p><p>"It's true," I said, "It's not the first time either," Dawn gasped, "Please don't tell him where I am. I'll be back to Stoneybrook in a bit but I just need some time away. Please, Dawn, just don't tell him." I could hear Dawn hesitating. A part of me felt like exploding in anger. How could she hesitate about this? How could she doubt me? Why would I lie about something like this?</p><p>"Okay, Kristy," she finally said, "But what should I tell him? He is beside himself with worry."</p><p>"Dawn!" I cried, "Are you listening to me? He beat me nearly unconscious last night! I don't care how he is feeling!" Dawn didn't say anything. I sighed. How could she side with him? Why wasn't she horrified and upset?</p><p>"Dawn, I'm not making this up," I said, quietly. The voices in the background were silent, "Please, Dawn."</p><p>"Kristy, calm down," she said, "Look, Alan and I will be up later tonight. I'm sure this can be worked out." I wasn't so sure about it. I doubted it very much but I agreed anyway, feeling too tired to fight her. She said they would be there as soon as possible. I hung up the phone, feeling exhausted again. I knew Mary Anne would want me to go out there and tell her what happened with Dawn but I feel too tired. The moment I closed my eyes, I fell into a dreamless sleep.</p><p>It was close to ten when Dawn and Alan came to Mary Anne's apartment. I had changed into pj pants and a long sleeved shirt, covering the bruises on my arms. The only thing I couldn't hide was the bruising on my face. I brushed my hair long so it would hang in my face. I wanted to hide behind it. I wanted to hide. I wasn't sleepy anymore, just feeling numb and empty inside. I feel hollowed out. Ashley had gone home, allowing us to have some time alone for when Dawn came.</p><p>Dawn, Alan and Mary Anne stood in the lobby, talking in hushed tones. I stayed on the couch in the living room, not feeling the urge to greet my friends. My stomach was in knots, worrying about Dawn's reaction on the phone. Would she think differently once she saw me? Or would she continue to act the same? How would Alan react? Would both think less of me? The strong-willed, loud-mouthed, stubborn Kristen Amanda Thomas was abused. In truth, she was weak, pitiful and pathetic. She was disgusting.</p><p>Alan entered the living room first. When he saw me, the joke on his lips died. He looked horrified. Dawn followed, looking annoyed at whatever Mary Anne had just said. Her face softened immediately.</p><p>"Oh Kristy!" she whispered, as she rushed to my side. I felt annoyed. It wasn't like I was dying. They were treating me so fragile, I hated it, "There is no way Cary did this!"</p><p>"He did," I said. Alan frowned.</p><p>"I just can't believe it. He was so worried when you were missing. He thought something terrible happened. Kristy, he loves you so much, how could he do this?" Dawn continued on. Alan sat on the ground, saying nothing. His silence bothered me more than Dawn's ramblings. Mary Anne sat down in the arm chair.</p><p>"Whether you believe it or not, it's true," Mary Anne said, "The signs have been there for a while," she frowned, "I'm not going to get into this with Kristy here but Cary did this." Dawn glared at her step- sister.</p><p>"I think I know Cary more than you do. You weren't there this afternoon when he was crying because he was so worried about Kristy. You didn't see him drive aimlessly for hours, looking for her. You didn't see how crushed he was when Sam told him to get out of the apartment. You didn't see him check Kristy's cell phone every few seconds, hoping that she would call. That man is death-til-we-part in love with her," Dawn turned to me, "I don't know why you are telling people Cary did this but only you know the truth. Only you can fix this. I won't tell Cary what you said, if you come home with us tonight."</p><p>"Dawn, shut up," Alan finally spoke, "I believe Kristy," he looked at me, "Cary told me one night what happened between you two before. He told me why you broke up and he said that he wanted to be a better man. I saw what happened in Sea City and what was happening during these past couple months. I knew what was happening and I didn't do anything. I should have pulled Cary aside and said something," he paused, looking away from me, "Dawn is right. He does love you. He doesn't want to hurt you but he just... I don't know," Alan stood up, "Dawn, let's go." Dawn interrupted him.</p><p>"Why did you two break up before?" she asked, looking at both of us. I stood up, not wanting to deal with, not wanting everyone staring at me.</p><p>"I can't deal with this right now," I said, "I'm going to return soon. I just need time to myself." Then I retreated back to Mary Anne's bedroom.</p><p>I stayed in the bedroom until Dawn and Alan left. I didn't want to see them anymore. I didn't really want to deal with anyone anymore. As I sat on the bed, trying to decided what I ought to do next. I couldn't return to the apartment just yet. I didn't know if I could ever return there. I would deal with that later. I had no money and I felt too ashamed to call my mother. I knew I had to call her soon, however. I would have to deal with my family soon.</p><p>What I really needed to do was to call the police, I decided. After Dawn and Alan left, I went back into the living room. Mary Anne was sitting on the couch, in tears. I sat next to her, putting my arm around her.</p><p>"Mary Anne, I'm sorry," I whispered. She looked at me, her brown eyes shining with tears.</p><p>"Oh, Kristy, this isn't your fault. None of this is," she whispered, "I don't want you to blame yourself at all. I just wish this never happened to you." She rested her head on my shoulder. I didn't respond right away. I wished it never happened either. I wished that things had happened differently.</p><p>"I want to go to the police," I said after a few moments of silence, "Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Stoneybrook and report everything. Then I'm going back to my parents for a while. I'll decide the rest later."</p><p>"I'll drive you," Mary Anne said, turning to hug me, "I won't leave you alone unless you want me to, okay?" I nodded. I thought a part of me would feel better, knowing I had my best friend back, knowing that I was making decisions yet on the other hand I still felt unsettled. I wasn't one hundred per cent sure in my decisions. I didn't know if going to the police would make things better or worse. I just knew I had to.</p><p>In the morning I logged into my email and found several emails waiting for me. One was from Dawn apologizing for her behaviour last night. She said that she would do whatever she could to help me during this time. Then she said that she thought when I returned to Stoneybrook that I ought to talk to Cary. She said she had never seen him so upset. She said she thought we were the One True Pair and that we would be able to work through this. She said she figured it was an accident. She said that she wanted to talk to me as soon as possible. I deleted that email. Dawn was becoming the queen of denial and I didn't have the energy to deal with it right now.</p><p>I received an email from Sam just letting me know that he took the key from Cary and that he was going to stay in the apartment while I was gone. He would attend to changing the locks today and he would send me key in New York if I planned to stay there. I replied to him, saying I was coming home and I would talk to him soon.</p><p>I received an email from Cary. My heart raced as I clicked on his name, "Cary Retlin." Did I even want to open it? I knew I had to.</p><p>"Dear Kristy,</p><p>I don't even know what to write. Everything seems to be spinning out of control. You have no idea how I felt when I saw you yesterday morning, your face so bruised and beaten. I couldn't believe that I had done that. How could I have done that to the woman I love more than life itself? All day I was so scared about coming home. I was so afraid I was going to lose you and I knew I couldn't live with myself if you had gone. Your brother was waiting for me and I knew my life was over. I need you, Kristy. I need you.</p><p>Dawn told me you had gone to New York with Mary Anne. She said that you just need time to get through this. She believes we can work through this. I hope we can. We have worked through worse before and I know we can again. I promise it will never happen again. I will rather kill myself than raise a hand to you ever again. I've seen what I've done. I'm breaking you. That fiery spirit that means so much to me seems to be buried lately and I know I'm responsible for it.</p><p>Please, we need to talk. I need a chance to show you how sorry I am and what I'm willing to do to make things better. Please. You are my life. You are my everything. Without you, I couldn't survive. Without you, I will die. I swear, Kristy, I will die without you.</p><p>Please call me.</p><p>I love you,</p><p>Cary"</p><p>A pop up flashed on the screen. I received another email message. I refreshed my inbox. It was another message from Cary. I opened it.</p><p>"Kristy,</p><p>Where are you? I'm so worried about you. Are you checking your email at all? I emailed you last night. Did you even read it? Or did you just delete it? Are you planning to continue telling these lies about us? You know what happened the other night. It's not like how you told Mary Anne or Dawn. You are blowing it out of proportion. You know it was self defence. I would never hurt you like that. I love you. I'll forgive you. Please, just call me as soon as you get this.</p><p>Cary"</p><p>I signed out immediately, feeling sick to my stomach. Would he try and twist this that I make him hit me? Was it my fault? I couldn't even remember right then why we started to fight? I could remember how he pinned me against the wall, holding his arm against my throat so I could barely breathe. I could remember how he threw me to the ground and punch me over and over again. I remember losing consciousness. I remember the hate in his eyes.</p><p>I turned away from the computer, tears in my eyes. How could he have done this to me? How could he have been so cruel? I blinked rapidly, trying to make the tears go away. Did I deserve his blows? Maybe I did. Why else would it have happened? Why else would he have hurt me so much? Maybe I deserved everything I was getting.</p><p>Mary Anne, who had slept on the couch the night before, popped her head into her bedroom.</p><p>"Kristy?" she asked, her voice softening as she saw me trying to fight back tears. I rubbed my eyes, trying to hide the evidence. She already knew. She wrapped her arms around me.</p><p>"It's okay, Kristy," she whispered, "Everything will be okay. None of this is your fault." It was like she could read my mind, as if she knew what my thoughts were. It was like she knew I was blaming myself. I just knew she was wrong. This was my fault. Why would Cary, who claimed to love me, do this? How could he hate me so badly?</p><p>"He loves you," Mary Anne said, her eyes glistening with tears. Had I said those things out loud? "But not like he ought to. He wants to own you, control you. He doesn't love you in the healthy normal way. I don't know how to describe it but he loves you. It's just a poisonous love." I nodded, crying now. Tears fell down my face and landed on my lap. It wasn't the love that I ought to have. What if it was the best I could get? Mary Anne hugged me tightly.</p><p>"Come on," she whispered, "Stacey is making pancakes in the kitchen. Can I convince you to get dressed and have some?" I nodded. She left the bedroom, giving me some privacy. I dug through my duffle bag, trying to find something to match my mood. I finally decided on the same outfit as yesterday: blue jeans, a long sleeved shirt and a black hoodie. Clothes worthy to hide in.</p><p>I felt nervous going out to the kitchen. I wondered how much Stacey knew. I wondered if she was still mad at me. I wasn't mad at her. I didn't care anymore. Stacey was in the kitchen, her cell phone sitting on the counter, blaming some song by Ashlee Simpson. It was way too perky for this morning. Mary Anne smiled at me. She was setting the table. I found a spot on the couch and pulled my knees up close to me. I wasn't hungry, I realised. Stacey bounced out of the kitchen. She paused for moment when she saw me then acted as if nothing was wrong.</p><p>"I've made chocolate chip pancakes just for you," she said with a huge smile. Stacey still looked the same as she did before she left Stoneybrook. She didn't seem to change at all. Still wearing the latest fashions, her hair still perfect and make up put on with more care than anything else. I felt so out of place next to her. She smiled at me again.</p><p>"How many do you want? I made enough to feed an army," she chirped. I didn't think I ought to say I didn't want any. I stood up.</p><p>"A couple sounds great," I said, putting on a fake smile of my own. Maybe we could just act like nothing happened, like the bruises weren't there. She bounced back into the kitchen. I followed and grabbed a glass from the cabinet. Crossing to the fridge, I filled it with orange juice and took a big gulp. It hit my stomach and flipped. I thought I was going to be sick. I put the glass down and took a big breath, trying to calm down. Stacey seemed to hesitate next to me, unsure how to react. Mary Anne rushed to my side.</p><p>"Too heavy, eh?" she asked, "That's okay. We'll grab something in Stoneybrook. We better get going anyway," she turned to Stacey, "Thanks anyway." I mumbled thanks and followed Mary Anne to the bedroom to finish getting ready.</p><p>"Kristy," Mary Anne said once we were in her room, "I want you to call me if you need anything. I'm coming back to New York tonight unless you want me to stay but I want you to call me, for anything, promise?" I nodded, not saying anything. I focused on throwing my pjs into my duffle bag. At that moment I felt like a shell of my former self.</p><p>The ride to Stoneybrook was quiet. Mary Anne tried to make some conversation but after a couple monosyllabic answers she gave up. I felt bad for not answering her properly. I knew she was just trying to keep my mind off of everything but I couldn't focus. As we neared Stoneybrook, I thought I was going to be sick. What if we saw him? What if he was waiting for us at the police station? Or at home? What if I could never break free from him? I knew I could talk about these things to Mary Anne but I didn't.</p><p>When we pulled up to the police station, I didn't feel any better getting out of the car, despite the fact he wasn't standing there, waiting for me. Mary Anne took my hand and squeezed. A part of me wanted her to tell me that I didn't have to do this, that I could just go back home with her and pretend none of this happened. A part of me wanted to find anything to make the pain go away. Yet she didn't. I knew she believed I had to do this.</p><p>We walked into the police station. It was nothing like on TV. I couldn't see dozens of desks, with officers talking or doing up their reports. There weren't dozens of phones ringing. I didn't see anyone being dragged through in handcuffs. It was just a small waiting room, with a glassed in room to the side and a locked door in front of me. I had to go to the receptionist.</p><p>The receptionist hung up the phone. If she saw the bruising on my face, it didn't faze her in the least. I imagined that she must have seen worse.</p><p>"May I help you?" she asked in a clipped voice.</p><p>"I need…" my voice trailed off. I looked at Mary Anne. Could I do this to him? To my Cary? "I need to report a crime. I… my boyfriend…" again I trailed off, unsure how much or what to say. The receptionist's hard look softened.</p><p>"Did your boyfriend do that to you?" she asked. I nodded.</p><p>"Okay," she said, picking up the phone, "Take a seat. A police officer will be with in a minute."</p><p>Mary Anne led me to the harden chairs. She put her arm around me, as I struggled not to burst into tears.</p><p>"What are you going to tell them?" she whispered. I blinked quickly, stopping the flow of tears.</p><p>"Everything," I answered, "Including the rape."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I decided it was best to move back home. My parents took me back with open arms and little questions. I knew my mother wanted to ask what happened and ask why I would even return to him after what he had back in May but she didn't. She let me keep my silence.</p><p>After I had gone to the police and answered their one hundred million questions, including why I didn't report the rape right away, why did I continue to stay with him and other humiliating questions, they told me they were going to talk to him. I had no idea what that meant. Wasn't the assault enough evidence to charge him? In one way I had hoped so but in another I didn't want him arrested. It would ruin his life. I still loved him. Even after everything, I still loved him. I hated myself for loving him still. How could I be so stupid?</p><p>That evening Alan came over. We went outside. The air was cool and I was shivering, even under my thick black sweatshirt. Alan gave me his coat. We sat on the hammock that Watson had put up when I was in ninth grade. For the first while, neither of us spoke, just laid there looking at the stars.</p><p>"Cary was arrested," Alan finally spoke, "He was staying at my place again and the cops came. They are charging him with assault." I didn't say anything. A part of me was happy to hear that he wouldn't be able to come after me tonight. He would be locked in jail until probably the morning where he would get his arraignment. Then I knew he would probably be let out on bail. Then who knew what he would do? Would he come after me?</p><p>"Kristy, this feels like my fault," Alan whispered, "I should have stopped him. I knew what he was doing. I could see how you were changing, how he was changing. I just thought he wouldn't sink so low. He was my best friend. He loved you. I thought that was enough. I thought he would be able to change."</p><p>"So did I," I said, my voice barely audible, "I thought if I changed, or if our situation changed or if I loved him more, he wouldn't fall into bad habits. I thought when he said never again, he would change. I never thought it would come to this." Alan wrapped his arms around me.</p><p>"I'm sorry I didn't protect you," he said, looking at me.</p><p>"You couldn't have," I answered, "I wouldn't have listened. Mary Anne tried to warn me. That's why we stopped being friends. I wouldn't listen to her. That's why I shut out my family. I didn't want to hear them warn me about what I could see right in front of my face," I looked at Alan, "He was so worried about us, you know. He thought we would hook up behind his back. That day in Sea City, he thought we were having sex on the beach." Alan looked away.</p><p>"I would have never done that to him," he said, "He was so insecure. He was so afraid of losing you. He used to say that his life wasn't worth living until you came. I thought he wasn't serious but I guess, in a way, he was." I touched Alan's face, turning it slightly to look at me. He had always been so good to me. I wondered how things would have change if I hadn't pushed him away after that party? Would we have hooked up? Would none of this have happened?</p><p>Alan's dark eyes stared into mine. I leaned closer to him, not sure exactly what I was doing and in a moment we were kissing. A part of me didn't want to be doing this. It felt wrong yet another part longed for it. It longed to touched and held with care, with love. Alan touched my cheek and rubbed his thumb against it as he kissed me. His tongue darted into my mouth. I inched closer to him, pressing my body against him. Did he want me, I wondered. Was he turned on by me? How far would he go with me? How far would I let him?</p><p>Suddenly he pressed away and jumped off the hammock.</p><p>"What are you doing, Kristy?" he demanded. He didn't sound angry. I looked away, my face flushed. What had I been doing?</p><p>"Don't do this," he said, "Don't start looking for love in anyone who is willing to touch you," he sat down next to me and took my hand, "Don't become like Dawn. Don't try to heal yourself like that. Please, Kristy, promise me you won't become like Dawn." My eyes filled with eyes, embarrassed at what happened.</p><p>"I promise," he pulled me into a hug.</p><p>"I'll be your Mary Anne," he said, smiling a little, "I'll be the one you can turn to while she's in New York. Come to me for anything, okay?" I nodded. I thought he was going to leave then but he leaned back in the hammock and held me close. I curled up into his arms, feeling grateful for the friend I had.</p><p>It took a couple of days before the police got back to me. They had arrested him and charged him for assault. He was released on bail, with conditions not to contact me directly or indirectly. It didn't seem to ease my worries at all. I knew that I would hear from him again. I knew that this wasn't over yet and that he would let his displeasure known about what happened, about the fact that I left him. I put my hope in that the restraining order would deter him long enough to cool him down and leave me alone.</p><p>Despite the restraining order, I still felt afraid. I wanted to hide in my room and stay there until I knew it was safe again. Yet that wasn't the person I was. I didn't want to hide. I wanted to jump back into my life. I wanted to call up Mary Anne and hang out. I wanted to hang out with my friends. They had always been there for me when I needed them and I needed them now. For the first time, my friends weren't there. Mary Anne had started a new life and while we would talk on the phone every night, I knew, in a way, she had moved on from Stoneybrook and from me. I knew that I had ended the friendship over a year ago and that we were only hanging on for memories' sake. A part of me knew it was time let go.</p><p>Stacey and I were never really close, especially after our last fight. It simply wasn't going to happen. Besides, like Mary Anne, she was in New York. Claudia had told me she felt conflicted between Cary and me. She said after Sea City she hung out with Cary more than me and she never really thought her and I would be close friends again. She promised she would be there for me when I needed her but I knew the truth of the matter. This whole situation was too serious for her. She couldn't deal with it. It broke her out of her happy little world and made her face reality. It killed any party mind set that she wanted to live in. It would make for depressing art. It didn't matter how she put it, she just couldn't deal with real life.</p><p>Then there was Dawn, who clearly took Cary's side. Dawn, who I had grown close to since she moved back. Dawn, who I thought would listen but I guess I should have known better. She couldn't deal with her own issues, why would she face mine? It hurt that she chose Cary over me. It hurt to know that they were hanging out, having fun, while I was dealing with my issues, trying to put it past me, even though I had no idea how.</p><p>Alan was really the only one there for me, strange enough. He had told me that he wasn't interested in the constant parties that Claudia and Dawn were throwing. He would come over every night. We would sit outside on the hammock and talk. He was currently working at the Washington Mall. He told me he felt empty just working away at the mall, without a goal. He wanted to be more than that and sometimes he felt like he was going no where with his life. He felt that staying with Claudia and the others and giving into their whims just caused him to stay where he was.</p><p>It was around eight thirty when Alan came over. He pulled into the drive way, looking more dressed up than usual. He had dressy jeans on and a black dress shirt. I was sitting on the hammock, in ripped blue jeans and a thick hoodie. Hallowe'en was only a week away and there was a definite chill in the air. Winter was coming early this year.</p><p>"Hey," Alan said as he sat on the hammock. I shifted as it swayed, trying to adjust to the new weight. I moved and rested my head on Alan's shoulder. He had even put after shave was up.</p><p>"Going on a date?" I asked. For a second, I felt hurt, which confused me. It wasn't like Alan and I were anything more besides friends, so why would I feel hurt? I hated how everything seemed confusing in my life.</p><p>"Sort of," he replied, wrapped his arm around my side, "I was thinking of taking you out. When was the last time you actually left the house?" I paused. I had played softball with David Michael a couple of days earlier. I had also taken a few baby-sitting jobs in the neighbourhood. My parents had set them up for me, thinking it would be a good idea to get back into the old swing of things. Other than that, I haven't really left the neighbourhood. I didn't want to.</p><p>Alan took my pause as my answer and smiled at me.</p><p>"Exactly my point," he gave me a little squeeze, "You can't keep letting him control you. You can't keep hiding here. You need to go out and live a little."</p><p>"Where?" I asked.</p><p>"It's a secret," he replied. He jumped quickly off the hammock, causing me to tumble out, "Now get changed."</p><p>"If I don't know where I'm going, how do I know what to wear?" I replied. Alan took my hand and lead me towards the house.</p><p>"Dress up," he replied, "You are not in grade eight anymore. Stop wearing the uniform." He walked to the fridge and pulled out a can of coke. I rolled my eyes and headed up to my bedroom. I stripped off all my clothes and opened my closet. Most of my more dressy clothes were still in boxes. I had been living in blue jeans, t-shirts and hoodies since I moved back home. Anything else seemed like too much effort.</p><p>I pulled out a box that was marked "girlie clothing" and opened it. After digging around a bit, I found a long jean skirt. I pulled it out.</p><p>"Too causal," a voice declared. I jumped and throw the skirt in front of me.</p><p>"Alan!" I screamed, "I'm not even dressed!" He shrugged and pulled the box in front of me.</p><p>"Whatever," he replied, "I'm like a girlfriend. It doesn't matter." He pulled out a short blue flared skirt and a white long sleeved shirt, with a scooped neck. I continued to hug the jean skirt against me. He held it up and frowned.</p><p>"You're such the gay friend," I said. He shrugged as he tossed the blue skirt back in the box.</p><p>"Too slutty but I like the shirt," Alan placed the shirt on my bed. He continued to dig through the box, ignoring any suggestion I made. He finally settled on a light purple dress, which had capped sleeves and stopped just above my knees. He then pulled out another box labelled shoes and matched a pair of shoes with the dress.</p><p>"Perfect!" he announced. I didn't answer but grabbed the clothing and yanked the dress on as fast as I could. I pulled my hair out of the ponytail and brushed it. Alan was sitting on the bed, smiling.</p><p>"What?" I snapped, pulling at a knot.</p><p>"You are really beautiful," he said, "I wish you would stop hiding from it." I paused and turned to look at Alan, unsure of how to take his comment. When he didn't say anymore, I finished brushing my hair and put the shoes on.</p><p>Just as we were to leave the house, Alan pulled out a blindfold out of his pocket.</p><p>"It's a surprise," he said, "Trust me." I hesitated, absolutely hating the idea of not being able to see where we were going but I also trusted Alan. He wouldn't take me anywhere unsafe. I closed my eyes as he tied the black cloth around my eyes. Taking my hands, he lead me to his car.</p><p>I listened carefully for any sound that would give away where we were going. I knew Alan, being Alan, was probably driving around random neighbourhoods to give the impression we were farther than we were.</p><p>"Where are we going?" I asked.</p><p>"Patience, my dear Kristy," he said. Finally, he stopped the car and took off my blindfold.</p><p>"Renwick's?" Renwick's was a restaurant downtown, famous for their all day breakfasts. It wasn't fancy and all the children's menu was named after Peanuts characters but it was still a fun place to go. I hadn't been there in a long time.</p><p>"I work in retail," Alan said, "I can't take you out to Chez Maurice but I can make you think I can." We walked into the restaurant, hand in hand. It almost felt like a date, if I didn't know better. I knew Alan wasn't interested in me like that and I wasn't sure if I wanted to jump to the next relationship.</p><p>We both ordered the all day breakfast and coke. We were soon laughing our heads off. I was sure we were going to be kicked out soon. Alan was doing impressions of his customers. He exaggerated every story he told but I didn't mind. I told stories of Karen, who was always getting into trouble for something or another. She thought she was old enough to go on dates and kept trying to sneak out of the house to do so. Watson seemed to let her get away with murder.</p><p>"Well, look who it is!" a loud voice called to us, just as we were finishing our breakfast. Dawn walked over to me. She looked very much like a hooker. I wondered if she would ever get turned around. She wore short shorts and a halter top. Her long blonde hair looked stringy and there were dark circles under her eyes. I wondered if she had fallen into the world of drugs.</p><p>"Is this a date?" she asked loudly, "You two look so cute." She spat out the last word. Then I saw him. Cary walked up behind Dawn and touched her arm briefly.</p><p>"Come on," he said, his voice quiet, "Let's leave." Dawn whirled around and glared at him.</p><p>"Why?" she demanded, "Just because the Kristy bitch is here? Just because she decided to ruin your life? You have every right to be here! You have every right to be here with me!" then she leaned over and kissed Cary. I thought I was going to be sick. I didn't know what was worst; the fact that Cary was here or that he was dating Dawn now. I looked at Alan. He wasn't looking at me. He was watching Cary carefully. Dawn pulled away from Cary and smirked at me. Cary wiped his mouth.</p><p>"Damn it, Dawn," he hissed, "Don't do that again." He looked at Alan. He was carefully avoiding me. Dawn giggled. Every movement she made was loud.</p><p>"Oh Cary! Don't be so silly!" she giggled again.</p><p>"Dawn, stop it," he said again. Now he looked at me, "We aren't together. She's just drunk and probably on something. I brought her here hopefully to get her something to come down," he looked away, "I'm sorry, Kristy. I wish I could explain how sorry I am." I didn't look at Cary. I looked down at my plate.</p><p>"It doesn't really matter," I whispered, wondering if he could even hear me, "It doesn't change anything." He opened his mouth to speak but then took Dawn's arm and they walked away.</p><p>"Kristy?" Alan asked, his hand reaching out to touch mine. I pulled away.</p><p>"It's not fair," I whispered, "I loved him. I thought everything would work out. I thought he would never be like that. It hurts so much," I looked up at Alan, willing myself not to cry, "I would like to go home, please." He nodded and flagged the waitress for the bill.</p><p>I barely said a word on the way home. I didn't know what to say and Alan didn't seem to know what to say either. It felt like tonight proved my point. I couldn't go out without fear of running into my past.</p><p>Alan came by the next day, earlier than normal. He continued to come by every day to convince me to go out with him. He seemed determined not to allow me fall into depression. I fought him on many occasions, not wanting to go anywhere that Cary may be. I refused to hang out with Claudia and any contact with Dawn was out of the question. Some nights we would just drive around town, just so Alan would get me to leave the house. He often would tell me that I couldn't let Cary scare me anymore. Sometimes he encouraged me to seek counselling for abused women but I declined. I wanted to deal with this on my own. I knew I could but I also knew it may take a while too. I knew that a lot of the time I seemed like I wasn't dealing well, but as time passed, I noticed that I was getting better.</p><p>Alan was patient with me. I knew how frustrating I must have been. Some days would go by where we didn't mention Cary at all, while others I would just cry over the whole thing. I hated how I felt about my life. I hated the fear I felt. I hated how I felt about a lot of things. Yet Alan never left my side. He was always there to encourage me.</p><p>It was January when Cary had his next court date. Apparently he had decided to change his plea from not guilty to guilty. In a way, I was relived. Had he kept his plea, the case would have gone to trial and I would have had to testify. I wasn't sure if I was able to do that. I still hadn't told my parents everything. Even Alan didn't know everything. He only knew about the rape because Cary had told him. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't know if I would be able to survive a trial. I hated how weak that made me feel.</p><p>Cary pled guilty and since it was his first offence, he was ordered to attend the Partner Assault Response program, which was a 16 week program, allowing him to "examine his beliefs and attitudes towards domestic abuse, and to learn non-abusive ways of resolving conflict," or so I was told. It seemed like he was getting off easy.</p><p>As he left the court room, he didn't look at me or address me. Dawn was waiting for him. They left together. She put her too skinny arm around him. I was surprised to see that Dawn had stuck by him, and that he didn't mind her presence. Sometimes I wondered how close they were, if she was his Alan or if their relationship was something more. I didn't want to know.</p><p>Alan had come with me to court. He took my hand when he saw Dawn. I wondered if it was to show Dawn that I wasn't alone, despite what she said about me. We waited until the next case was called before we left. I didn't want to run into him again. Alan took me out for coffee after.</p><p>"It's pretty much over now," he said, "I hate to say it but it's been months since the incident. You don't talk to him anymore. Your wounds have healed. Yet you are still hiding, still cowering. This isn't the Kristy Thomas we all know and love." I stared down at my coffee cup, my long brown hair falling across my face.</p><p>"I don't know," I admitted, "I don't know where to go right now. A part of me wants to leave Stoneybrook and start fresh somewhere else but I'm afraid too. I hate being afraid," I looked up at Alan, "Cary has made me afraid. To go out alone, to do a lot of things that I used to be able to do. I know he hadn't contacted me since I reported him. I know I haven't seen him in months but there is always the what if?"</p><p>"What if it's over now?" Alan said, taking my hand, "What if he realizes his mistake? What if he never contacts you again? What if this whole nightmare is over?" I leaned back, feeling comforted by Alan's touch.</p><p>I had spoken to Mary Anne the night before. She had called me. She told me that Stacey had decided to move out and live with some older guy. Mary Anne was worried because he was almost thirty and she was afraid that Stacey was going to be taken advantage of. Stacey apparently had been dating this guy for a while. Mary Anne also confessed that another reason why she felt uneasy because she wasn't sure if she could afford the whole apartment to herself and that she had asked Ashley to move in. Ashley said that she needed to think about it. Mary Anne told me she felt really serious about Ashley and that she was in love with her. She worried that the fact that Ashley had to think about it meant that she wasn't as interested as Mary Anne was. She feared that she had messed up that relationship.</p><p>After that phone call I realized that we didn't mention Cary once. I didn't even tell her that the court date was the next day. It seemed like a sign that life had moved on, despite the fact that I hadn't. He had changed me. I had turned into someone I didn't like.</p><p>"I know you are right," I said, "Where do I go from here?" Alan smiled at me.</p><p>"Wherever you want," he replied, "You are strong. You are Kristy Thomas. You ran a successful business when you were thirteen. You can do whatever you want, whatever you put your mind to. It's time to put Cary behind you and run your own life," he squeezed my hand tight, "I know you can do it."</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. An Interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>An Interlude</p><p>To: Kristy</p><p>From: Cary</p><p>Sent:March 23 at 2:34 a.m.</p><p>Dear Kristy,</p><p>It's been a while since you have last heard from me. I thought it was best that we both took some time apart. I think we both needed some space from the whole situation.</p><p>As you know, I pled guilty at the court hearing. I thought that was the best course of action for the both of us. I knew by pleading guilty, I would get the help I needed in order to become a better man, to become the type of man you deserve.</p><p>I will admit my guilt. I will admit the fact that I hurt you. I know I did terrible things to you. I know I was a monster. I have admitted all those things. I am truly sorry for what I have done to you.</p><p>The counselling I was enrolled in lasted sixteen weeks. I spent each one of those weeks focusing on how important you are to me. Kristy, you are my life. You are my everything. I need you in my life.</p><p>I want to make amends. I want to show you I can be that someone you always dreamed of me being, that someone you always knew I could be. I beg you; please give me another chance to be in your life. Allow me to prove to you that we were meant to be.</p><p>I am debating between staying in Stoneybrook or moving out of town. Please reply to this email if you are interested in something. Even if you just want to be friends, anything. I wouldn't want to lose my best friend.</p><p>With my undying love,</p><p>Cary</p><p>To: Kristy</p><p>From: Cary</p><p>Sent:March 24 at 11:00 p.m.</p><p>Dear Kristy,</p><p>I am sorry for emailing you again so soon. Maybe I ought to give you more time to think this over. I know that dealing with our situation must be difficult. I can't imagine what it was like for you. I know I had a hard time dealing with it.</p><p>I saw you at the court house with Alan Gray. Dawn told me that he has really stepped up and became your friend during this time. I'm glad to hear that. I know Alan can be really goofy and irresponsible, but he is solid as a friend. I know he will never let you down or hurt you. He will be your ear when I can't be.</p><p>Dawn has been my ear lately. It's strange because I never thought I would become close friends with Dawn. I know you are worried about Dawn. She's doing okay. We had a good talk the other day about destructive behaviour. She seems to understand that her sleeping around is destructive. She promised me that she is going to try to stop it. I am urging her to get counselling, but one step at a time.</p><p>I know she misses your friendship. She says she would really like to repair her friends, especially with you and Mary Anne. She has told me that once she finishes high school, she'd like to return to California for a bit. She misses her friendship with Sunny too. I am trying to convince her to email you.</p><p>I know you are a forgiving person. I know that no matter what happens, you would never turn your back on a friend. Anyone who is in your life is lucky to be there.</p><p>I hope that I can count myself as one of those people one day. I hope to hear from you soon.</p><p>Yours forever,</p><p>Cary</p><p>To: Kristy</p><p>From: Cary</p><p>Sent:March 26 at 9:59 p.m.</p><p>Hey Kris,</p><p>Just wondering if you are getting these emails. You haven't changed your email address have you? I hope you aren't ignoring these. I would understand if you were but I would really like to make amends with you.</p><p>I know you may not believe me right away, and I don't blame you, but I'm not the same man I was before. I am currently taking some anger management courses. I know that I would never hurt you again.</p><p>I hope you respond soon. I miss you.</p><p>Missing you,</p><p>Cary</p><p>To: Kristy</p><p>From: Cary</p><p>Sent:March 27 at 1:17 a.m.</p><p>Kris,</p><p>I just wanted to let you know how much I miss you. Dawn tells me that you have gotten into university and plan to start in September. I wanted to congratulate you.</p><p>Please drop me a line. I would love to catch up.</p><p>Best Wishes,</p><p>Cary</p><p>To: Alan</p><p>From: Cary</p><p>Sent:March 27 at 1:33 a.m.</p><p>Alan,</p><p>I just wanted to thank you for taking care of Kristy during my absence. She is such a special girl and I have been worried sick about her.</p><p>I have been emailing her lately and I haven't heard a response. I want to apologize to her. Is everything okay? Or hasn't she been checking her email lately? Could you let her know that I'm waiting for a reply?</p><p>Thanks,</p><p>Cary</p><p>To: Cary</p><p>From: Alan</p><p>Sent:March 28 at 7:34 a.m.</p><p>Cary-</p><p>She got your messages. She's not interested. Stop contacting her.</p><p>A.</p><p>To: Kristy</p><p>From: Cary</p><p>Sent:March 30 at 8:03 a.m.</p><p>Kristy,</p><p>I just received a message from Alan saying you aren't interested in talking with me. I will respect your wishes, I would just like to hear it from you.</p><p>Please understand I'm not trying to invade your life again. I just want to be friends. You are the most understanding person I have ever met. I know without you my life will be hollow. Please, can we just talk?</p><p>Love,</p><p>Cary</p><p>To: Cary</p><p>From: Kristy</p><p>Sent:March 30 at 11:48 a.m.</p><p>Cary,</p><p>Do not message, email or contact me ever again. I want you out of my life for good.</p><p>Kristy</p><p>CaryRetlin signed in March 31, 12: 13 a.m.</p><p>KristyKrusher signed in March 31, 12:45 a.m.</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:45 a.m.)</p><p>Hey Kristy.</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:46 a.m.)</p><p>I got your last message. I'm sorry for messaging you right now but I'm having a hard time believing you are willing to end four plus years of friendship. I'm not asking for anything more. I just want to talk to you. Catch up on your life. I understand if you don't want to return to our old status. I don't really want to either. I don't think I'm ready for it. I want to know that I can control my</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:48 a.m.)</p><p>anger before I get serious with anyone else.</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:49 a.m.)</p><p>Kristy? Are you there?</p><p>KristyKrusher says: (March 31 at 12:50 a.m.)</p><p>I am here. Please, Cary, just leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you anymore.</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:50 a.m.)</p><p>Kristy, I am so sorry that I hurt you. I don't ever want to do it again. I just want to make things right between us.</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:51 a.m.)</p><p>Please forgive me. My heart broke when I realized what I did to you. I almost died when you left me. I know that I was a monster. I have admitted my guilt. I am in counselling. Please, Kristy, I just want to make things right between us.</p><p>KristyKrusher says: (March 31 at 12:55 a.m.)</p><p>Please do not message me again.</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:56 a.m.)</p><p>Is it Alan? Is this the reason why you won't talk to me? Are you dating him now?</p><p>KristyKrusher signed off March 31, 12:56 a.m.</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:57 a.m.)</p><p>Kristy?</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:58 a.m.)</p><p>Kristy?</p><p>CaryRetlin says: (March 31 at 12:59 a.m.)</p><p>Kristy? I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.</p><p>CaryRetlin signed off, March 31 1:16 a.m.</p><p>To: Alan</p><p>From: Kristen Brewer</p><p>Sent:April 1 at 8:00 a.m.</p><p>Make him go away.</p><p>Also this is my new email address.</p><p>Yours,</p><p>Cool new name here.</p><p>To: Kristy</p><p>From: Cary</p><p>Sent:April 1 at 2:00 p.m.</p><p>Kristy,</p><p>I'm sorry about last night. It was out of line to ask about your relationship with Alan. It doesn't really matter if he is your boyfriend or not. That doesn't change the fact that I would like to make amends with you.</p><p>Please don't ignore me.</p><p>Thinking of you,</p><p>Cary</p><p>To: Mary Anne</p><p>From: Dawn</p><p>Sent:April 1 11:49 a.m.</p><p>Hey Mary Anne,</p><p>I haven't spoken you since Christmas. How have you been? You and Ashley still together? Mom is totally cool with that whole thing now. Richard is still in shock but I think he is warming up to the idea. He has been going on and buying all these books on being a parent of a homosexual child. Or at least that's what mom told me last month.</p><p>Have you talked with the 'rents at all? I know you left Stoneybrook on bad terms with them. So maybe you haven't heard that not only have I moved out of Chez Spier, I have dropped out of SHS. Mom is so disappointed at me and I swear I've given Richard some more grey hairs! Seriously, it was pointless for me to stay. I was just wasting my time. Everything felt so hollow and pointless and, really, life is too short for wasting away in that place!</p><p>Sometimes I just have to burst out laughing, Mary Anne. At night, when I can't sleep, I think about back when we were all at SMS and were all apart of the BSC. It's so funny how we have all gone our own ways. I always thought we would always be friends, you know? I never thought I would lose touch with Jessi or Abby! I really don't think any of us would have been able to predict where we are now. Well, we would have all guessed that Claudia would be having a hard time graduating from SHS. I think we also all knew if any of us were to be voted mostly likely to start using, Claudia would have been voted in!</p><p>I don't think anyone would have guessed that you and I would have stopped being best friends, even after I moved to California. I imagine Kristy (let's call her what she is from now on, shall we? BITCH!) told you about the rape. It's funny how my life changed after that. There were things I thought were so damn important suddenly didn't matter. Like saving the Earth. Yeah, I will still use my cloth bag over plastic but hunting anyone down who uses Styrofoam is ridiculous. It just doesn't matter anymore.</p><p>That night changed my life. I know that.</p><p>Argh. Enough with the serious stuff. I can't change the past, so why dwell, right? That's a lesson for you Mary Anne! The reason I'm writing to you (and not just because I totally miss you! Why were you such a horrid bitch to me when I was forced back here?) is because I want to give you my new address! Like you know, I moved out of mom's back in November and after moving from Claudia's to Erica's to Austin's, I have finally found a place I can call home with. I'm moving in with Cary Retlin!</p><p>Cary is so amazing! I can't imagine why that bitch would give him up! I never really saw it in him before Kristy left him. Besides the fact he is so hot he is HAWT, he is so sweet. He's caring and kind and just sigh! Plus, he's totally amazing in bed! I cannot imagine why Kristy would make up those charges against him but her loss is my gain! Anyway, my new address is 79 Brooklyn Street, Vernon, CT 06066.</p><p>Please write to me! I miss you so much, sis!</p><p>-Dawn</p><p>To: Dawn</p><p>From: Mary Anne</p><p>Sent:April 2 at 7:35 a.m.</p><p>Dawn,</p><p>I received your email and I knew I needed to immediately respond; only I really don't know how. Kristy didn't tell me anything about a rape. She only told me that you had some issues that you had to work through. I can't believe it. I feel like I'm in some sort of dream. You never told me that you were raped. Does Sunny know? You know you can always talk to me, about anything, right? Dawn, there is so much I want to say, that I want to ask, but talking via e-mail seems so impersonal. Would you consider coming up to NYC for a couple of weeks? I think it would be good for us to catch up.</p><p>As for your news about Cary, Dawn, please believe me when I saw Cary is dangerous. Kristy was also raped. By Cary. They broke up briefly but she took him back. After that he became really physically abusive. Before the rape, he was incredibly controlling and possessive of her. She pulled away from all her friends because of him. I know this to be true because I saw it happen. Please leave him now before anything happens to you. I beg you, Dawn, please.</p><p>Yours sister,</p><p>Mary Anne</p><p>PS- why are you moving to Storrs?</p><p>To: Mary Anne</p><p>From: Dawn</p><p>Sent:April 4 at 4:01 a.m.</p><p>You want me to come to NYC? Do you not remember how I was like every time I came in grade eight? I was a shaking ball of nerves! I'm going to have to be seriously loaded and stoned to appear even somewhat normal there! I have this feeling you don't want me to be anything but sober while I'm there. Seriously, MA, do you drink at all? Or have fun? Or is this bi-sexual thing the only bad girl thing you are into? Too bad you are my sister, I mean, I would give you a ride, just to test out that whole scene. I hear there is some serious money in those who are willing to go both ways in the business. Not that I'm totally willing to go that far- that is to join the business. I hear there is good money in it and I know I'm hot enough, but I guess there is a part of the old Dawn Read Schafer who can't do it. Who still believes sex is sacred. That is completely ridiculous considering everything this past year! Considering that I don't treat sex as sacred because once it's been ripped from you, it seriously loses all meaning. But doing it is on film? I'm working my way up to that.</p><p>It may be a moot point because I know Cary doesn't appreciate my habit of sleeping with random people. Speaking of, girl, you need to chill! Cary and I are sort of, well, I'm not sure what I'd call us yet. We aren't dating or girlfriend/ boyfriend or anything. We are having sex, and occasionally we go on dates, but really we are just good friends. He's been having a really hard time, losing Kristy. I know that. I know that he seriously believes that he had wronged her and that he wants to make amends. He is afraid that he has lost her completely.</p><p>I don't understand why Kristy won't talk to him. I simply cannot believe her story. Cary just wouldn't do that. I guess if you say it enough, anyone will believe you. Cary believes her lies about what a horrible man he is. You have no idea how much he beats himself up about it. He practically hates himself.</p><p>Mary Anne, you have no clue how much he loves Kristy. He would give his life for her. He would chop off a limb for her. He would bow down and kiss her feet, if she asked him to and she's just blown him off. I don't know. Maybe her and Alan were having a secret love affair. I bet that started back in Sea City. I head her and Alan moved out of Stoneybrook together. I don't know where but I know it broke Cary's heart that she has moved on. He misses her so much and she won't even give him the time of day.</p><p>I don't think you know the real story. I guess none of us do, except Cary and Kristy. I guess none of will ever know. I do know that Cary is a good man. Yes, he has some faults. He needs to learn to control his temper more and stop jumping to conclusions but who doesn't have faults? If it's true love, and they seemed like it, why couldn't they work it out? What if Cary worked on his anger? Then what? Would Kristy even give him the time of day? Is it fair to him for her just to give up? He's working on being a better man. I see it every day.</p><p>Argh, I have totally wasted too much time analyzing this stupid situation. If Kristy is going to continue to be Queen Bitch, then whatever. I'm totally working on making Cary Retlin forget her. ;)</p><p>Why don't you give me a call one day? We can catch up that way. But seriously, we don't need to catch up on that whole grade nine event. It's in the past, remember? Sure, it's changed me. It made me more aware. I know what guys want. I know what they will do to get it. Might as well as admit the truth and move on with it, right?</p><p>Dawn</p><p>To: Dawn</p><p>From: Mary Anne</p><p>Sent:April 4 at 6:55 a.m.</p><p>Not all guys want to take advantage of you, Dawn. There are some really great guys out there. Just like there are some really bad ones too.</p><p>I'm really worried about you, Dawn. I think you are making some really bad choices. Please come up to NYC for a little while. I promise you it won't be boring! Ashley loves to go out to parties. She always knows where the best ones are. We'll have fun and we'll talk. We haven't seriously talked in a long time.</p><p>I think we do need to discuss the grade nine event, as you called it. We need to discuss your relationship with Cary. If he is still so into Kristy, why are you wasting your energy on him? You can do better and I don't mean some random person you picked up. Dawn, you are a beautiful girl. You could find someone to treat you right. Just because he's there doesn't mean he's Mr. Right. Come up and I'll tell you all about my relationship with Stacey McGill. I learnt my lesson about the difference between Mr/ Ms. Right and Right Now.</p><p>I promise you won't need be stoned out of your mind to relax.</p><p>Call me sometime and we'll talk about this further.</p><p>-Mary Anne</p><p>To: Mary Anne</p><p>From: Kristen Brewer</p><p>Sent:April 25 at 5:45 p.m.</p><p>I'm all moved in now. I think I already sent you my new address and phone number. I can't believe I'm dong this! I'm so excited to be attending UConn! I'm using way too many exclamation points in this email but I'm so excited.</p><p>Alan moved here early this month, as you know. I wanted some extra time with my family before moving here. It was nice to spend time, one on one, with Karen and my other siblings. Even though I know that Karen is going to grow up to be a spoiled brat.</p><p>There were also some things that I needed to take care of in Stoneybrook, such as legally changing my name to Brewer. I know Watson was so happy that I wanted to take his last name, despite the reason. Yeah, I know you think my reason was faulty, doing it to try to hide myself from Cary but I still feel freer. I feel safer. I needed that. I needed to do some things in my life to make sure I was strong enough to make this move. Like my little makeover. I cut my hair. I'll send you a picture when I unpack my camera. It's a cute chin length bob. Sort of like yours, but longer. It feels nice to have air on the back of my neck.</p><p>I know a makeover seems so silly, but it's empowering. I can do these things without worrying about how Cary, how anyone, will react. I feel stronger. I feel more like me. I don't feel as if I could be run over as easily. I am Kristy Thomas again! Or, as my school records now say, Kristen Brewer.</p><p>I am really happy today. I'm not feeling nervous or thinking about Cary much. Honestly. I know those emails from him last month really disturbed me but I know it's okay now. He can't haunt me here. I'm starting a new life. I'm going to get my Bachelor of Education. It feels like I have a new lease on life.</p><p>I know that Alan feels the same way. He felt so trapped in Stoneybrook. He may not be attending the university with me, but he's ready for a new start. He has a job at an advertising company and trying to do some stand-up at the open mikes around town.</p><p>I know we were only apart for a month, but I'm really glad that he's doing this with me. I know a lot of people think we are romantically involved or something, but he's just a really good friend. Maybe one day we'll progress to something more, but I'm not ready for another relationship and he doesn't want one either. We are good as we are.</p><p>How goes your summer in NYC? You mentioned before that Ashley may return to Vermont to be with her family for the rest of the summer. How is that going? I know it's a bit rocky at times, but whenever I went up there, you two seemed really solid.</p><p>Anyway, Alan has just put in Juno in the DVD player and he's waiting for me.</p><p>Talk to you soon!</p><p>Kristy</p><p>To: Kristen Brewer</p><p>From: Mary Anne</p><p>Sent: April 26 at 9:34 p.m.</p><p>Kristy… I have been speaking with Dawn again. I can't believe her sometimes. You know how I told you that's she's living with Cary now? Well, they have moved to Storrs. I thought it might be a different Storrs in the country, but she just confirmed that she is like 15 minutes away from the UConn. I have no idea why he- they- moved there but they are. I don't think anything will happen but be careful, okay?</p><p>Love,</p><p>Mary Anne</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
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    <p>I miss her.</p><p>I miss her. I miss her brown hair. I miss the ponytails. I miss how her hair framed her face. I miss her dark brown eyes. I miss how she used to look at me, with so much love in her eyes. I miss how she was so short and when I held her, she seemed just to fit into my perfectly.</p><p>I miss her attitude. I miss how she used to say things without thinking. I miss how she would offend people without meaning to. I miss how loud she was. I miss how she just didn't care. I miss how confident she was.</p><p>I miss how she used to care about the world. I miss how excited she'd get about her great ideas, even if they weren't anything fantastic. I miss how the whole world would evolve around her idea until she realised it wouldn't work or until it did. I miss her energy. I miss how serious she would get about things she was passionate about. I miss how involved she become, like nothing else matter but that one thing.</p><p>I miss her touch. I miss her soft skin. I miss how warm she felt. I miss her gentle caresses and her kisses. I miss her hugs.</p><p>I miss her voice. I miss how she used to tell me that she loved me.</p><p>I don't miss how she used to be so scared to tell me things. I don't miss how she had a hard time meeting my eyes. I don't miss the sadness she carried with her. I don't miss how broken she seemed. I don't miss how eager she was to please me all the time. I miss how she would act when she thought I would be upset by something. I don't miss knowing that I caused her to doubt herself and lose her self- confidence.</p><p>I don't miss looking at her bruises, wondering if I had really done that. I don't miss how she used to hide them.</p><p>I don't miss the tension between us, the way I felt around her, feeling so paranoid and worried. I don't miss the constant worrying if she had found someone better, someone she rather be with. I don't miss the constant doubting of everything she chose. I don't miss the person I became around her.</p><p>I miss her. I miss Kristy.</p><p>Nothing seems to fill that void. Nothing seems to make the mistakes of my past justified or acceptable. Nothing seems to wash away the pain I caused. Nothing seems to make life whole again. Nothing makes life right again. Nothing seems to fix this. Nothing will bring her back. Nothing will make the missing go away. Nothing will be as it was.</p><p>I know life continues. I know life won't stop, while I sit on the sidelines, remembering the past and watching her slip from my fingers. I know she has moved on. She had gone away for school. She had changed her email address, her phone number and even her name (although I have all the new information, it takes everything in my power not to contact her). She has moved on. She has new friends, new habits, new interests. She's doing things with her life and succeeding in ways that I could have never seen her achieve. Kristy is amazing. She has always been amazing. I'm not surprised at all what she has done with her life. I wish I could be there with her.</p><p>I've moved on too. Sort of. I've moved away from Stoneybrook and the memories. I've taken counselling. I've paid my debt to society. I am trying to rebuild my life. I have a job. I'm saving up for my future. I'm preparing for a life without her.</p><p>I have a new girlfriend. I'm trying to love her the way that I should have loved Kristy.</p><p>I have a new girlfriend. I don't want a new girlfriend. I don't want this hollow fake relationship. I know we are just using each other to fulfill our needs. I don't love her. I know she doesn't love me. Sometimes, when we are having sex, I pretend she's Kristy. It feels wrong and dirty but for those moments, my world almost feels right again. It almost feels how it ought to be.</p><p>Sometimes I wonder if there is anyway I can fix my mistakes, if I can prove that I'm a changed man. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get her back and that we can have the life we should have had. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever make things right again. Sometimes I consider contacting her, telling her how I feel, telling her how I've changed.</p><p>Sometimes I picture our life if this never happened. Would we have been married by now? Would she be pregnant? Would we be preparing for our new family? Would we have both gone to school? Would she start that company she always wanted? Or would she become a teacher, like she's doing now? Would we have stayed together forever? Would we have eventually divorced? Were we destined to fall apart?</p><p>Sometimes I wonder if this is entirely my fault. Did I cause us to break up for good? Was it really my actions? Or is it partly her fault? Should she have tried harder? Was she, in any way, responsible for my actions?</p><p>Sometimes I wonder if my fears were right. Was she always with him? Did she ever love me? Was what we had a farce? If it wasn't, how could she give up on me so easily? Why isn't she giving me another chance? Doesn't she understand how much I love her? Doesn't she know? Doesn't that mean anything to her?</p><p>I love her. I love her so much. It hurts if I think about it too much.</p><p>She's moved on. She's happy now. All the scars of our past seem to have faded. She's forgotten about me.</p><p>I haven't forgotten about her. I watch occasionally. I watch to see if she is okay. I watch to see if he is treating her right. I watch to see if she is happy. I watch to keep tabs on her life, so she's never really truly gone.</p><p>I've moved on too but I'm not ready yet to let go completely.</p>
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